DH’s ex wife trying to stop us adopting

[Manny22]

Hi, I’m in a pretty desperate state at the moment and am hoping someone can offer reassurance, advice and clear headedness. Sorry it’s so long - this is actually very condensed version of all the nastiness that has gone on over the past few years.

My DH’s ex wife has been against us from the start, and has told lies about us to anyone who will listen, including CAHMS (who didn’t follow up). She’s sent insulting memes, tried to get between us with lies and manipulation, falsely accused my husband of all sorts of abuse and neglect when he didn’t do what she wanted, and got her friend to send us a 5-page letter deriding us.

At the same time, my SD (17) has not wanted her Dad to have another relationship. She was 11 when we met so it wasn’t an easy time, but we’ve worked through as best we can trying to talk to her and show we care and that her relationship with her Dad is solid. Nevertheless, she’s told lies and exaggerated/manipulated the truth to her own ends even editing recordings of us talking. How much is her not wanting change, or being manipulated by her mother or just having the same behaviour patterns has always been a worry.

However, over the last two years we felt we’d worked through things so that even if SD doesn’t want a close relationship with me (understandable and fine), she feels secure enough to support us adopting. I’ve supported her and done all the things a good step mum should do (including things her mother didn’t do like pay for her travel expenses and making sure she had clean school shirts). Even after reading step-parenting books and talking to my step son (19) , I feel that whilst I’m not perfect there’s nothing more I could’ve done.

We’ve been very open with SD, SS and their mother about our desire to adopt. We’ve spoken to SD and SS to say that we’re concerned that the lies their mother has told about us will be told to social workers. They knew that lies have been told as we’ve had to make it clear to them about some things being false in the past, and SS told us other lies that she’s been telling people. SS is very supportive, and SD had said she was as well. She’d even wanted to watch a film about adoption, had asked questions and said she’d like to take kids trick or treating.

Recently, SD had a review as she’s said she suffers from dissociation. This was something my husband arranged as he is usually the one sorting out medical, school etc as her mum can’t be bothered. We got a call from a social worker saying that they’d spoken to SD and to her mother. SW said that SD’s mother had said SD only stays with us (it’s 50/50) because otherwise my DH will cut her off and stop her having contact with his family. Also that we don’t take any care of SD mental health. Also that his marriage to me has damaged his relationship with SD. Dissociation wasn’t mentioned once, but apparently SD has said she ‘doesn’t get on with’ me at all, implying that it is massively damaging her mental health. She failed to mention anything positive I’ve done for her. Also, 6 weeks ago my husband has a conversation with her about how she viewed mine and her relationship and she only spoke positively. Even saying all the positive things she’d say to a social worker, like how I support her, am there for her and how we get on.

I feel like this is only the beginning. I don’t know how to be around SD any more as I know now that she’s lying/twisting the truth and is willing to say horrible things to social workers. She’s also implicitly supporting her mother’s lies.

We’re going to ask SD what she wants to do re: living arrangements. My hope is that she’ll go and live with her mother as she’s previously said she prefers it there (apparently her mum lets her do whatever she wants).

Will a SW see it as a failure on our part if she chooses to move in with her mother? Also, will a SW believe all these lies? I can’t believe what these two are willing to do just to spite my husband and I - even stopping us from taking in kids who need a loving home.

It doesn’t sound like an ideal environment to bring a child in to OP

apparently SD has said she ‘doesn’t get on with’ me at all,

well i’d say she was rather underplaying the situation there

Tricky although I have heard in the past that social workers understand that former partners can try to spite potential adopters. The trouble is your SD says one thing to her father and something different to the sw - your DH could naturally be assumed to have influenced her. On the other hand, at 17, she's not going to be a child for much longer. Are her negative views simply natural due to her resentment towards her father re-marrying? Will your stepson give an alternate version to the social worker? Is it likely your SD will be living with you at all for much longer? If she chooses to live with her mother, that is fairly easy to explain away - resentment of you, the adopted child etc.

It will boil down to what the SW feels is accurate but basically it is about your abilities as a couple to provide good parenting and a safe environment to an adopted child. Maybe you should be thinking about how you would both mitigate any harm from the ex and SD, that could affect the child placed with you, as you simply can't control what they will say. I don't think they will worry too much about the welfare of a 17 year old in this situation- it's the prospective child's needs you need to focus on to show that you have considered the ramifications of the situation.

Sorry, feel I've rambled a bit. Hope this makes sense.

The SW will put a lot of weight against the view of a 17 year old daughter of a candidate

Even if they suspect she is making stuff up to sabotage your application - the very fact that she wants to do this… will be very concerning and a red flag to SW

Gosh, it sounds like you have a lot on just now, and some tricky dynamics.

I suggest putting a hold on adoption for a couple of years, and seeing how things lie then. Your step daughter will be more mature, ex will have had time to settle, and things might look very different.

A traumatised child is not going to benefit from this placement as is. Sorry.

As others have said it’s not mostly about whether a SW believes the lies, it’s much more about the dysfunctional family dynamic. It all sounds hostile and unsupportive and, if I’m brutally honest, not an obvious environment into which to place a child who is likely to require some degree of therapeutic parenting. I am not saying adoption will be totally off the cards, but it will be a big concern, and It’s not simply a case of truth or lies.

@Manny22

The one thing that all of us here has in common is the desire to be a parent, to be a mum or a dad.
We can all empathise with that feeling.
But in seeking to be an adoptive parent you do need to be honest with yourself, brutally honest at times.
The assessment process is intense, some people would say its stressful. It is time consuming and will take a lot of emotional energy. It is very challenging. You will have to talk about things you don't really want to talk about. It may bring up issues from your past or cause you to re-evaluate things in your life.

Can you honestly say that both you and your DH are prepared and in the right place for all that.

Can you also, hand on heart, say that you can provide a calm, positive environment for a child who will more than likely have a background of trauma and additional needs, a child that you can give your whole focus to.
Take a step back and think how all of this looks to an outsider ie a social worker.
My personal view is that you need to take some time to sort out your existing family issues before attempting to add another child into the mix.

Adoption isn't going anywhere.

The adoption process is so so hard and it is true that the SW will always take testaments from ex spouses with a pinch of salt, this does sound more than your typical bad mouthing situation.

I’m really sorry but it sounds really dysfunctional and intense. As other’s have said it’s not so much what they’re saying, it’s that they are saying and the motivations behind it. An adopted child doesn’t need a family with existing family issues. Even if SD does go to live with her Mum full time, I don’t think that would help as it would just show your husband and yourself to not support SD through difficult times.

I’m really sorry. It sounds like you need to put a pin in the adoption and work through your current family issues.

@Manny22 I am so sorry, this sounds like an awful situation and one where your husband's ex and his daughter are causing a lot of unhappiness for you and your dh.

I would see if the relationship can be salvaged and if in the future your step daughter does spend less time with your husband she may decide she is not so bothered about his extending his family with you.

Just out of interest, what is it about adoption that appeals to you? would having a baby together naturally be a possibility?

If your SD experiences dissociation that suggests a significant level of trauma in her background - dissociation is a fairly well established trauma response. Given everything you have going on with a hostile ex and two teenage step children, I too would be really considering whether now is the right time to bring any child into this. It's not about believing the ex, or the step children, it's about the level of disruption, conflict and deregulation you'd be bringing a child into - particularly one who needs consistent, predictable, supportive, focussed relationships.

I really understand your desire to have a child, I've been there. It's important that you and your partner are in as settled, solid a place as possible before bringing in a traumatised child who will need all your focus and energy for many years. It's not unusual to need to delay or take a break in the process - it took me 3 years to complete the assessment because life just kept getting in the way - it may be worth taking a step back, letting your step children become independent and seeing where you stand then.

I've read this a few times before writing a response.

Honestly... I don't think an Agency will even consider an application at this time. Your situation seems incredibly chaotic and hostile.

Children who need to be adopted have (the vast majority) come from incredibly chaotic birth families. Any adoptive family needs to be calm, stable and be able to focus 100% on the incredibly intensive and stressful assessment. Then the Matching process. All that is an absolute walk in the park compared to actually parenting an adopted child.

My son 8 spends lots of his time screaming, shouting.. generally being very chaotic as that's what he came from. I will not allow anyone who is chaotic, nasty, unsupportive any where near him. That includes family members who are judging my parenting and saying he needs a good telling off.

I would say spend a few years getting to a calm family situation.

SW's atm would run a mile.

This is not written to upset you. I am just being realistic.

Having read your post again, I agree that this is not a good situation to bring an adopted child into. You see it as ex and SD trying to spite you, but for SD in particular, she has every reason to, since she resents your relationship, has mental health issues and is still far from being a mature adult. I think what your efforts to be conciliatory might have done is to give them a big stick to beat you with. They will likely see how much you want this and use it against you.

In a few years, things may well have moved on. SD will be a grown up and perhaps have less to do with you as a couple or be more stable in pursuing her own life.

It's all very frustrating for you but at least adoption isn't time limit to the extent conception is. I don't know your age but you can adopt older, or take on an older child.

Thanks for the kind and compassionate responses, and for your honesty. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve always had a question over whether SD would be a suitable sibling for an adopted child and how we’d protect them from the outside influence of ExW. I’ve worked with adolescents for over 20 years, including care experienced children as well as those navigating highly dysfunctional households, so I have some understanding of the needs of young people in those circumstances.

I’m not sure if I made it clear in my first message (though @Chocapple seems to have understood this, I think - thank you for your insight and kindness) how shocking the accusations are when compared to what our day to day life looks like, even with SD. The events forming ExW and SS’s narratives are so distanced from lived experience - SD herself has admitted that the events or depictions of SS and SD’s experiences are not true or are twisted versions of what’s really happened.

I agree that no matter what DH and I say, or the examples of how we’ve worked to create a healthy blended family (using lots of self help books as well as years of professional advice) it will all be twisted. We feel like two sane people in Bedlam saying ‘I’m not mad! I’m not mad!’

The motives for all this are power and money. ExW has said that she doesn’t agree with his remarriage and adoption because it means less inheritance for her children. She has a history of using shocking accusations and bullying behaviour to get what she wants and exert control. She told DH she would ‘disappear’ if he didn’t marry her, for example, and has made similar accusations and threats to her parents, siblings and friends (she harassed a friend on FB and cut all contact because she came to our house for a meal - friend’s husband is a close friend of DH).

She is also very bitter and upset that he has someone new and is no longer under her control, and doesn’t want her children to have a relationship with me. SS is absolutely fine with me and we have an amazing relationship, but apparently step daughter/step mother relationships are the hardest and without her mother’s support I believe it would be near-impossible for SD to develop any kind of healthy relationship with me.

It’s all very sad. But I absolutely agree that even though we are in ourselves stable, committed, loving, listening, learning people there are disruptions here that would make it impossible to proceed.

Thanks again, I will take your advice and look for other paths and continue to explore ways of salvaging the relationships with SD.