Insensitive comments about adoption

[EllieCharlie52]

So I'm hoping to be adopting in the near future and very possibly early permanence foster to adopt from birth. My mum made a crack in a family chat the other day saying "at least you won't have any pain or labour with adoption!" I don't have birth children though would still love to though it's looking unlikely. I know she didn't mean it to be insensitive she's just a bull in a china shop and she won't see that it's potentially hurtful. It was a couple of days ago and tbh I'm still feeling quite emotional about it. Partly because I would love to physically carry and birth a child though adoption has been a part of my plan since I was a teenager and partly because as you all know there's all sorts of emotions and pain involved in adoption and I just felt she was rather missing the point. I've also had comments like "if you get a baby they won't be damaged!" and you realise x y z insert stupid comment here. No I'd never thought about that 🙄 My mum also said once "I don't know where you get you're mothering instinct from, it's not from me!" Ummh...

I have to say most people and friends have been wonderfully supportive and I have several friends who have adopted and fostered as well as being part of a support group locally. So it's mostly very positive, understanding and supportive but this was hard and feels strange. Any wisdom or distraction would be appreciated.

I’d take 36 hours of labour and stitches over two years of pain with assessments and panels and social workers poking into evert single aspect of your life. Not to mention the oddity that is introductions and early days of placement. Followed by the LAC reviews and the SW visits and the medicals and the court dates and the appeals and more SW visits and so on and so on.
I had a friend (who I expected better of) recently show me a picture of their new born nieces dirty nappy and tell me ‘at least you didn’t have to deal with that’ - It didn’t upset me, but I was very aware it could of done. Also I’m not sure what they think my LO’s nappy looks like 🙄
I guess we all say stupid things sometimes without thinking how the other person perceives it. Gotta try where you can to let it roll of your back and gently correct.

Sorry, I have nothing to say to help except been there bought the t-shirt. My personal favourite was "someone's done all the hard work for you!" 🙄
You can choose to ignore or you can explain to them exactly how 'easy' this has been for you.
Mainly I just roll my eyes and say "sure".

@EllieCharlie52 I think most people (everyone?) on this board will have experienced those kinds of comments. I am sorry your mother was so insensitive. I would either try to forget about it or let her know that you found her comment hurtful.

I don't think the adoption process is easier or harder than pregnancy and birth, it is just different (adoptive parenting definitely is more challenging!).

I always used to enjoy the faces of the other mums at baby groups when they relayed their birth stories and I was able to say that I didn’t remember it at all because I was too busy downing a couple of wines in the pub (AD1 is a Christmas baby and the timings of her birth mean I can actually pinpoint that I was indeed in the pub!)

I find the focus on Stevie’s accent really off when it can easily be passed off. What would have happened if Desmonda had got the part? Would they have had to recast so there were 3 Indonesian dads???

Thanks, likewise! And yeah I'm not really surprised by my mum's comments as she's known for putting her foot in it and not seeing why it's upsetting etc. But a couple of comments from people who should know better have been surprising and because of that almost now hurtful.

Ugh that's definitely worthy of eye rolls, how utterly ridiculous. Thanks to you and everyone else for the understanding!

Hahaha I'm going to remember this one! 😆

Thanks, there's no point saying anything to my mum as she just won't get it. It's one of those breathe deeply moments... A friend who adopted twenty years ago warned me I might get comments like these as she'd had lots but up until the last couple of weeks I hadn't had any so I guess I was a bit taken unawares.

I've had the comments such as "so, have you met his real parents", "lucky you not giving birth", "you've done a good thing taking a kid that wasn't wanted", "I was going to buy you flowers but it's different, you haven't had a baby" I bite my tongue and politely correct them. I am his real mum and he has always been wanted. I hope my LO never has to hear people come out with these ridiculous comments.

I think everyone has had insensitive comments made to them. There are just some days where they hurt a little more than others.

Oh goodness those are awful, I'm so sorry. I think you're right, some days they do hit differently for some reason. Thank you 🙂

@EllieCharlie52 @Pawpatrol2020 I’m 15 years into my adoption journey so I now have the hide of a rhino who has spent decades smoking Gauloises and tanning all day on a sun bed ie I am pretty thick skinned. I simply don’t put up with the BS comments any more but I do cut people some slack as a lot of silly comments do tend to come from a place of ignorance rather than malice and offence. I especially hate the ‘real’ parents comment but I now consider it my civic duty to correct every comment with the replacement phrase ‘birth parents’. Yes, I can be a tiresome d* when I want to be! 😅

I probably need to learn the rhino hide thing! Meanwhile the other thing I'm beginning to find a bit hard is managing other people's expectations about possible children and timings etc. I try to say gently but firmly that I just don't know and I'll let them know when i know. Today a grandparent was convinced I was getting a baby soon, I had to say gently but firmly and clearly that at the moment it's only a possibility but they didn't quite seem to get it. Ah well!

Don’t know if this is appropriate but when of our beautiful son died someone said “well it’s not like losing one of your own”. Had to zip my mouth, unusual for me. Just ignore the nasty comments!

Agree with others who have said its a matter of time and experience, I generally have a lot more patience with people who are genuinely just ignorant but well meaning.

I find comments from professionals much harder to deal with, they're supposed to be advocating for my children and supporting us as a family; and it both upsets me and reminds me how much they are reliant on me to fight for them. A recent comment made by my youngest's sw was that she wants to adopt but is worried incase they're like my youngest, by which she means disabled!!

That’s so incredibly ignorant @mumof2many1943, I don’t know how you restrained yourself.

Goodness that's truly awful, I'm so sorry for that and for your loss. 💜

Woah... Umm does that social worker know her stuff? I'd have had to bite my tongue really hard.

Welcome to the club - very happy to have you here, I'll budge up and make some space.

I wrote a blog post nearly 10 years ago covering this (kinda) and the best way to deal with it is actually point one on my blog list - find your adoptive tribe because they understand and most people don't and you won't ever be able to stop the random weird or hurtful comments (though it is worth working on your mother in a quiet moment because that could become a long bumpy ride!).

Over 20 years after the start of my adoption journey and it did eventually lose the power to sting.

A very nice school mum about 10 years ago said to me "aren't you lucky you didn't have to deal with sleepless nights and feeding issues" I couldn't help but reply "yes dealing with a child who has no idea what happened in the first year of his life was a fair trade off". But mostly smile and nod or say "do you think so?". It was a comment that particularly caught me unawares though as DS didn't sleep through the night until he was 11.

https://surelyitshouldntbethatcomplicated.wordpress.com/2014/11/18/what-can-i-tell-prospective-adopters-about-parenting-via-adoption/

😂 to the million prospective adopters. So true.

There's one who likes to post here and tell us all how we're doing it wrong who particularly gets me riled. So many people who are going to adopt one day... But...

That's brilliant and a great blog post with timeless advice. I'm really lucky that I have several friends who I've known for years who have adopted. I had lunch with one set of friends earlier and it was really helpful to talk some stuff through.

Oh they sound, what's the word I'm looking for, delightful... Umm yeah nah as my Aussie friend says.

Morning, sorry I am late to the party. My mum who doesn’t understand the words emotional intelligence, during the whole adoption process would just tell me about all of her friends whose daughters were pregnant. I know we chose not to have IVF, but not being pregnant was quite fresh in my mind. I told her off & we had a row, but she kept doing it and in the end I just gave up.

I think some things are ingrained in society. I also think pregnant women get a lot of insensitive and intrusive comments, so it isn’t just us adoptive parents. People think they have a right to say what they want.

Instead of giving Emotional energy to being upset, I just learned to let it go and put my energy into something that gave me happiness. Seems to work so far, and we are 18 months in with our beautiful little boy.

best wishes, I know how it feels xxx

Hey,

Thanks so much for replying, lots of wisdom there and you're right pregnant women get lots of weird stuff too. I remember being with a pregnant friend in Boots and one of her patients, she was a Dr, came up to us and just hugged and stroked her bump, she was not happy!

And you are so on to something with emotional intelligence, something my mum doesn't have bless her! That must have been hard for you, I'm sorry. Sometimes I want to pull my hair out with her and sometimes I want to explain and correct but usually it's not worth it. Great idea to rechannel that energy into something good, especially into your little one! Xx