Adoption questions

[Nebbyboo]

Hello me and my hubby both 31 have been talking about adopting we been trying for 6 years to have our own kids but unsuccessfully I’m worried even before we start the process it’s not going to go anywhere I have a chronic illness and my husband was in a rtc and is now classed as disabled also we both smoke which reading online they like you to stop smoking ( I get why and the dangers but my sister in law smoked all the way though her pregnancy with her 5 kids and the doctors didn’t give a flying fig) I have a very stressful job I work in the nhs under trauma

1. Adopted children would be your own children, it's just a different way to become family.
2. You will have a medical, and will have to prove you are fit enough to parent a child to the age of 18-25. If you would struggle with running after a toddler, you could consider older children.
3. You will have to quit smoking.
4. Adoptive parenting is advanced parenting. They're picky for good reason.
5. I suggest you read the recent threads about work and adoption, consider how much leave you can take, etc. Stressful work might be harder when home is stressful, too.

Good luck.

Hi @Nebbyboo

Assessment for adoption is about risk mitigation.
Social workers want to be able to place children in families with the best possible chance of it being successful.
This includes the expectation that the parents will have a normal healthy lifespan. They also do not want children exposed to things that may harm their health.
Smoking is a clear health risk to you and any child in your care. So yes, you will have to give up smoking, SWs like you to be clear for a minimum of a year ( some might request 6 months). It's irrelevant what your SiL did or didn't do though I would be surprised if she went through 5 pregnancies and no one expressed concerns about smoking.
This is also a time to be brutally honest with yourself. I'm not asking you to disclose personal information , but have you really sat down and talked about the practicalities of being a parent, let alone a parent to a child with additional needs - which the vast majority of adopted children have, when one of you has a chronic illness and the other is disabled?

Who will be the primary carer? Have you considered what would happen if either of you could not fulfil that role because of the illness/disability.

SWs would avoid a situation where its likely a child could become a carer to their parent.
You say you have a stressful job, how will you manage that? There is a thread running at the moment about why people don't return to work- please read that.
What about your finances - can you afford a child? Have you thought about managing school runs, covering school holidays etc etc - a lot to think about.

:) we have my nieces quite a bit recently my health condition is a werid one I am neutropenic (immune system) which gose up and down find it hard to fight infection but still work a full time job with days off when needed and have treatment when need which are injections my husband stufferd a bad accident which has affected his ankle and back he’s mobile and can walk and play with our nieces but dose struggle some days I have worked in child care where children with different needs attended and have family children under sen

@Nebbyboo

This is where you need to be very honest with yourself.
Having nieces round, presumably on days when you are both well enough, or working with children with additional needs is very different to being the parent of one.
Stating the obvious, you don't get the day off from parenting when you don't feel well.
I've been very lucky with my health since I adopted but I have had two episodes - one where I was poorly for about 9months waiting to have my gall bladder out, the other was about a month when I had a chest infection/bronchitis.
I struggled massively to keep things going- fortunately my son was in his teens, could do his own washing, get his own food, took himself to school etc. I would have been in real difficulty with a primary age child. And importantly he also struggled with his anxiety.
Lots of people with chronic conditions and disabilities do adopt, its not an outright no from SWs. But you do need to be honest with them and yourself.

In addition to the very good points posed by @Ted27 I’d think too about your job. I too work with trauma and in the early days, months, year I had to really take a step back. Working with other people’s trauma is very demanding, when you also have children with a trauma history you can’t just leave it at work.

Think about how you cope with work just now, the supports and strategies you have - they may need to change if you have children and can’t get out to the gym as easily, or you come home to your child having a crisis.

The only thing that’s an absolute no is smoking, you will both need to stop smoking and or vaping. The other bits aren’t insurmountable but you will need to carefully think through how you’ll manage each aspect because it will be well explored in assessment - insisting it’ll all be fine without careful, practical consideration of how you’ll manage won’t serve you well. Think about you and your DH on your worst day, with a child also having their worst day (cos that’s often what happens), what can you put in place to resource you and your DH to parent well in those circumstances.

Thinking through worst case scenarios now will stand you in good stead for the assessment process and parenting.

@Nebbyboo Join an information evening with your local adoption agency which will give you a head start on knowing what the assessment process entails and you'll probably get the opportunity to ask questions.
Similar to others have said we had to go through a lot of potential situations and plan for how we'd deal with them, cope, recover.

@Catleveltired I wish every other parent understood point 4! Sometimes I feel so judged.

@Jellycatspyjamas I love your point about what it’ll be like when everyone is having their worst day. I’m going to use this when people thinking about adopting ask me what it’s like.