Does it get easier? 2 years on...

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I'm not sure what I am looking for from this post, not even sure if I'm posting this in the most appropriate area? Maybe some helpful coping strategies from anyone who has experienced similar feelings might help?

DH and I adopted siblings who have been with us now for almost 2 years, they have settled really well at home, appear to have coped very well with transition from nursery to school earlier this year. I can imagine to most people we look like we're enjoying family life. However, I feel like I have lost my identity, my confidence, my friends, I don't feel comfortable in social settings and have not made any mum friends. Most of our 'support network' that we identified during the adoption process are now long gone, or dismissive of any challenges we face. We have had to support our AS with some challenging behaviour (we are in the process of being assessed for post adoption support with this).

I feel like I'm failing our children. They have a birthday shortly after Christmas and we have booked a party (venue and entertainment) but I feel anxious about the whole thing, I've not given out invites yet and I'm already worried about the day due to my own insecurities.

I feel awful even writing this, I know how lucky I am to have lovely children with us, we're healthy and have (most of the time) a nice family life, but I feel like I'm fake. I have seen so many posts, articles attached advising adoptive parents to fake it til you make it...but does it ever get better/easier?

Thank you for reading

Hi
Being parents of adopted children in my opinion will always face challenges but they can be easy and hard and always up and down so answer to your question yes it does get easier then you take 2 steps back but you go forward again.
2 years is still relatively early days and Christmas is always a fraught time for everyone! My child birthday is December and with all the extra activities it's overwhelming and they struggle to regulate, we also have a party and I have the same worries too.
I think the best advice is don't be too hard on yourself, do some self care, get strategies in place for the party too.
I think everyone not just adopted families all look like on the surface we are doing ok but everyone struggles. Social media plays into that but if we put on Facebook screaming frantic children parents pets , meltdowns and tantrums I don't think people would be as interested 😂
It takes a village to raise children so we need to find our villagers!

Sending hugs and Best Wishes.

I feel like I have lost my identity, my confidence, my friends, I don't feel comfortable in social settings and have not made any mum friends.

This really stood out to me, I remember that feeling very well. My closest supporters aren’t the people I identified in the adoption process, they drifted away pretty early on. I don’t have a big circle of support but the people I do have are absolutely solid - quality rather than quantity. In terms of your identity, what has changed post adoption in terms of your daily life? Were you working and have stopped, what did you do for fun or leisure? Has that stopped now?

Adoption is pretty intense in the early years, it’s easy to focus on your children (because they need every second of your time and emotional energy) and wake up one day and realise there’s nothing of “you” left. What helped me was carving out bits of time, an evening here a weekend there and making sure I saw friends etc away from the kids. I appreciate not everyone has that luxury. It’s important to try and identify what’s missing first which will help you make some changes if needed.

I do hear you, I’ve so been there.

Do you know other adopters in real life? Are you part of any post-adoption meet-up groups, either as a family or the kind that are just for the parents? I find being able to chat to people in a similar position who just 'get it' really valuable.

It’s common for the planned support network to turn tumbleweed I’m afraid.

I also never felt comfy with the mum crowd, their experience was 100 miles away from the things I was worrying about. Locally our LA ran a buddy scheme for adopters and that was a lifeline. Our prep group also stayed in touch (although the problem with that is that you’re all at a similar very hard stage, so nobody’s really got any spare energy to help) which was good for empathy at least.

By chance I met another adopter at nursery and we clicked - I would say get yourself to an adoption meet up, or online chat, and find a space where you can go sometimes where don’t have to fake it. I live for my weekly phone call with a faraway friend - we go out for a walk while we phone-chat, and it really helps me head.

Are there tiny things you could do to help you feel more like you? Wear your old perfume / use an oil diffuser / light a candle? Squeeze in some exercise like going for a walk on your own, or a swim if you have time?

Re the party, I get how overwhelming it is. Is DC already expecting it so you have to follow through, or could you scale down? Either way, the first thing to do is book in something for yourself afterwards, so you can look forward to that (a massage, meeting an old friend, an afternoon out, or something). Take it one step at a time. First, invitations. Don’t think about the next step until you’ve done the last one 💐

Thank you all so much for your support. I know I should try to factor in some self care and I will try.

We are, as a family, involved with a local adoption support group, and try to get to meet ups when possible. I know this is going to sound terrible, and somewhat judgemental but I've noticed following recent meet ups I feel worse. They are all about support, I get that and I am more than willing to listen, support and share ideas, but I often feel it's the same few people who dominate these outings. I don't mean that I feel resentful of that, but it makes me question my own concerns (because everyone else's seem greater). We are awaiting a buddy to be matched to us following a recent meeting, and hope this will encourage me to be a bit more open. I know it's not helpful to compare to others as every family's needs are different (with or without adoption).

You have all definitely given me some points to consider, in particular thinking about what has changed for me! I definitely found going back to work, after a year off, a challenge. That alone has probably resulted in a dent in my confidence, I guess I could work on this.

The suggestion of thinking about the party in small individual tasks has made it feel a bit more manageable and I definitely like the idea of planning something for me to look forward to after 😀

Thank you all!

Firstly, you are not failing your children! You are here seeking advice and support for you and your emotions, you are seeking appropriate support for your children, you have guided them through a transition from nursery and into school and you have planned ahead and organised a birthday party for them. Those all sound like successful parenting to me.

I also recognise those feelings of a loss of identity and no longer feeling I fitted in anywhere.

In my experience, it does improve. For me, it took probably 5 years - but I always was a slow learner! I think it started to improve when I accepted that I wasn't ever going to fit in with the school gate crowd (and also sadly, that some of my family would never 'get it').

That acceptance took a while, and took a supportive, understanding therapist to help me reach it. I almost had to grieve; grieve for the 'easy' children I didn't have because of their level of trauma, grieve for the easy friendships that didn't happen because I had to focus on my children when they tumbled stressed and tired out of the school doors - no playing in the park while I chatted with other parents. I had to grieve the friendships I lost because I could no longer give them the time they needed - or even if I did I was parenting/living on a different planet somehow and there was a huge disconnect. I had to grieve for the family members who became critical, divisive or just not interested. I also grieved for my children - because my grief made me connect with all their losses and truly see how much they had lost. That was painful - but ultimately helped to strengthen my bond with them.

Once I had accepted our reality, I started to find a new identity for myself and that gave me a confidence I hadn't felt for years. Yes, that identity was initially mainly as a harried, stressed Mum constantly pushing for support of one kind or another - but it gave me a sense of purpose and that's what I needed at that time. Perhaps that may be a starting point for you, accepting 'where you are'?

From that point, I started to make new friends - not all adopters, not all even parents and some who I met in the strangest situations! Not many admittedly - but they are true friends who understand my children, me and our situation.

I also agree with trying to carve out little bits of time for you - a regular meal out with a friend, a weekly trip to the library, a short daily walk; whatever works to relax you. My children still regularly moan about how long I take in the shower. It's one of my favourite things; I stand in the shower every morning and somehow that pulsing water helps enliven me for the day ahead - so I make the most of it!

I hope you can feel reassured that many of us have felt similarly to you and I hope you start to find your identity and confidence again.

(As an aside, what is is with so many adopted children having birthdays in December and January? Talk about adding in stress and pressure!)

Thank you! Yes it is indeed reassuring to see others have had similar feelings and helpful to see kind strangers here have offered kind words of support.
I totally understand your comments on grief, I hadn't really considered the significance of this.

I'm pleased to see that you were able to make new friends.

I too enjoy the peace and quiet in the shower and wonder if I might get away with extending my shower by a few minutes every day and hope noone notices 😄

Good luck with the party. Remember this phase of parties is quite short and as they get older it changes.

Try and do some stuff just for you. An art class or writing class or play a sport or swim, just now and again. Just make some time for you.