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Adoption

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Original poster

Stepdaughter won’t give us a reference

17 replies

CocoMitzie · 01/12/2023 17:53

We are applying but my stepdaughter (living at home for now although plans to leave in a year or less) does want to give us a reference- she is not really saying why but is against us adopting. My partner doesn’t want to rock the boat with her. We cannot go forward now. I’m very upset

OP posts:
ElevenSeven · 01/12/2023 18:06

Does she have to write one?

Ted27 · 01/12/2023 19:29

@ElevenSeven

no they don’t have to ask the daughter to be a referee but they won’t get anywhere with a hostile adult in the house

Original poster
CocoMitzie · 01/12/2023 22:38

Yes and speak with the social worker

OP posts:
sunshineandskyscrapers · 01/12/2023 22:47

I can see why the social worker would need to meet with all adults living in the house.

You said you are applying. Have you started the process? It sounds like you just need to wait until she has moved out rather than give up completely, and just be up front with your social worker why you need to take a break. I think I can understand why the step daughter would be against it though. Less time and attention from her parent must be a factor, surely? You're going ahead with your plans to adopt even though she's said she's against it, and she's found an easy way to block you. Put adoption to the back of your mind for now. You and your partner should concentrate your efforts on helping your step-daughter with developing her independence (and ultimately moving out and getting on with her life) while maintaining/building her relationship with your partner so step daughter doesn't feel so threatened by a new child coming in. You said she plans to move out in a year or less, which is not that long in the world of trying to adopt.

Original poster
CocoMitzie · 02/12/2023 00:04

Thank you yes she’s at home at the moment but says she is leaving soon

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Original poster
CocoMitzie · 02/12/2023 00:09

Thank you - I agree with your comments. I’m just quite upset and frankly cross that she is being like this but not opening up to us. She had been moody with me since coming back from uni earlier in the year and that is before adoption was mentioned.

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Original poster
CocoMitzie · 02/12/2023 00:11

Yes because she is living at home and I do understand and agree with the reasons- they don’t want to put a child in a family where someone may be less than welcoming

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Italiangreyhound · 02/12/2023 23:46

Do you have any other children CocoMitzie?

She is being incredibly selfish and I think she is harming her relationship with and with any future sibling.

I'm really sorry.

Original poster
CocoMitzie · 03/12/2023 12:39

Another stepdaughter who lives away but is supportive and did a lovely reference. Thank you 🙏

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LeoLeo2 · 03/12/2023 12:56

Could her sister maybe talk to her and try to get to the bottom of whatever she's got against the idea of adoption?

DisquietintheRanks · 03/12/2023 15:28

Italiangreyhound · 02/12/2023 23:46

Do you have any other children CocoMitzie?

She is being incredibly selfish and I think she is harming her relationship with and with any future sibling.

I'm really sorry.

Can you really not understand why an older teen/young adult is not really keen on her father starting a new family? It might not be fair but its entirely understandable.

Original poster
CocoMitzie · 03/12/2023 15:58

Yes, my partner is also going to try and get to the bottom of it but it’s on a knife edge at the moment

OP posts:
Ted27 · 03/12/2023 17:00

@DisquietintheRanks

Yes I can think of a number of perfectly valid concerns she may have.
But she is 24, not 16, and will probably be moved out soon and tied up with her uwn life.
So yes I agree she is being selfish in not being prepared to discuss her feelings and listen to what her parents have to say and maybe those worries can be allayed.

My mum remarried when I was 22, I wasn't that chuffed about it but I was adult enough to understand it wasn't about me. It turns out he was a lot better husband to my mum than my dad ever was. She has had 35 years in a happy marriage. It really wasn't my place to stand in her way.
@CocoMitzie following on from my reply on the other thread, I really think you and your partner need to take control of this situation. Sit her down and talk to her, reassure her of her place in the family but be clear what your plans are.
Get the sister on board with that.

Original poster
CocoMitzie · 03/12/2023 17:02

We will try thank you so much

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Italiangreyhound · 03/12/2023 19:48

@DisquietintheRanks the person in question has finished her university study so an adult, not a teenager. I can quite believe a young person may want to limit her parent's choices. But I do not think it is fair or kind of her to do so. in the long run it is not going to serve her well. I can certainly understand it but we don't get to control the families our family members choose.

Catleveltired · 03/12/2023 19:56

Does she feel he's been a good dad to her?

Maybe she needs a bit of space and time to reflect. Maybe her dad needs to understand her reservations.

Original poster
CocoMitzie · 04/12/2023 09:20

Thank you - yes a good point

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