Contact with foster carers

[mummyBop]

I would like some advice on this as their seems to be two schools of thought and I feel quite uncomfortable with it and I'm not sure whether its a genuine problem with our foster carers or my problem.

The kids seem to have settled really well, given that its only four days. The youngest has said she is missing her fc a few times, but the others haven't really mentioned them.

Tonight the kids called their fc - the youngest enjoyed talking to them, as did the oldest, but the middle one said very little before passing the phone on. Afterwards we got some very tricky behaviour for a while. The eldest evetually shared that she thought she shouldn't mention them as that would put back when they could see them. I think the middle one (a boy) had a tricky relationship with them as he can get quite frustrated and they found that difficult to handle, whereas we seem to have a found a way that works for us, so I am not surprised that he is more settled (or perhaps he just not sharing).

So how long before they call them again? and how long before they see them again? Days, weeks or months?

I feel uncomfotable about two things and I don't know if I am being unreasonable or not.

• some of the things they say - the told the kids tonight they love them, they have told the kids they will be special grandparents and see them forever. I even got an email saying they look forward to being at the children's university graduations.
• presents - after some of the stuff that they came with I really don't want them to buy any presents, as the kids need attentions and time, not more "things." With other people I might be able to put gifts aside, but that would be more difficult with them. They have already given us Easter eggs to give the kids at Easter - I want to return these, but don't want to insult them and damage the relationship we have with them, for the sake of the kids. I suspect if I said no presents they would still get things, whereas with our family we have agreed no presents for now, and later on we will advise them of things which are small and needed, but I couldn't do that with these fc and this will be respected. Should we say no presents and if so, how?

Thanks
Bop

mummy bop think back to your training, the children will have built attachments with the foster carers and it is important for these attachments to transfer to you, all of the children will have different needs and different experiences. I think it is positive the foster carers have given you something to give the children at a time of year that may be stressful for them and I think you should accept these this time perhaps this is when the children could 'phone next. The most important thing here is the children and what they need to help them you need to consider what is in the best interest for each child, if the children feel you are anti them seeing the carers then this could cause problems later reassure them the carers are there but you are here for them as well, perhaps you should seek support from your link worker. Put yourself in the place of the child you have experienced some form of abuse you have lived with someone they have gone and now you are somewhere else if the children have life books perhaps spend time looking at these with them and ask about the foster carers so you can share their memories of things they did with the carers

I don't think it's possible to advise how many days/weeks etc it should be before the kids see the FC again. I think it's really important the children feel safe to talk about them to you, to mention them freely, to discuss how they feel even if it's "I really want to talk to my FC now". The safer they feel to do that, the more they will settle with you, IMO.

Make sure they know they can do all that and treat each one as an individual on it - as you know already they will all have had differing bonds with the FC

I'd give the easter eggs - of course! How lovely for them to get a little something at a special time like that from their previous carers.

If you don't want other presents for now, you should feel quite free to say that to the carers I think.

Thanks gothicmum

I am trying to really positive about the foster carers in front of the children and am trying to think what is best for them. That's why I aam posting here looking for other perspectives and advice.

I think I am concerned that the relationship the fc are trying to build currently is unhealthy and in the long term that may be damaging to the kids, but not seeing them is also damaging. I have had concerns for a while, but my link worker told me on Monday that there were problems when their previous child left and contact was delayed until three months because of this. I think they struggle to let go and that puts additional pressures on the kids, as they seek loyalty to them, rather than supporting them to move on (there have been lots of examples but its probably not appropriate to share here). Its a very tricky one - I had anticipated two weeks, but some of their more recent actions have left me wondering if that is right, but I am also wondering if my feelings for the kids now they are with us permanently are also influencing my perceptions.

Thanks again
Bop

hi mummybop

you wrote

I would like some advice on this ..................I feel quite uncomfortable with it and I'm not sure whether its a genuine problem with our foster carers or my problem.

sorry to be so direct, but i think its a bit of both.

i think you are struggling a bit with your own issues. you have waited so long to be parents and now you want to claim these children. this is normal and right. i would be worried if it was otherwise

problem is.............these children are yours in your heart . but you don't have parental rights and their main bond is with the FC right now. as others have said, its a very good thing - that bond needs to be transferred to you & your DH.I woudl be really REALLY worried about 3 young children who left a foster placement after ?? 18 months without looking back. their attachment to the carers is A GOOD THING. for them if not for you

I think your need to limit or break the kids bond with the carers is about your need to be their mummy, and not what is in teh best interest of the children. Sorry if thsi sounds harsh its not meant to be

I can understand why you are uncomfortable with teh comment about graduation - i woudl feel teh same if anyone said thsi to my children. But you should just ignore it...they are just struggling to express their feeling appropriately. Its not like it will actually be an issue

yes you should give the kids the easter eggs.and let the kids make an easter card for them. i think its reasonable to say that the eggs are lovely but please don't buy a gift as well.

the bit of your post that worries me most is this....

"The eldest eventually shared that she thought she shouldn't mention them as that would put back when they could see them. "

that tells me that the children have already picked up your jealousy of the Fc relationship with the children and they are trying to hide their feelings from you. they have worked out that if you know how attached they are and how much they miss them, then they wont get to see them.

i forgot to say that IMHO your link worker is remarkably indiscrete and her commenst are not at all helpful

teh comment about delaying contact for 3 months sounds more about punishing the Fc for not meeting SS expectations than meeting the child's needs. Its very system centered rather than child centered.

i feel extremely about these little children really missing people they love but having to hide it from their new parenst in case they are punished for their feelings

so to summarise...i don't think you are wrong for feeling the way you do, but i think you would be wrong to ACT on your feelings if they conflict with what is in the best interests of your children

I'm surprised that this has not been sorted out by your social worker - I would definitely take advice, particularly as the foster carers have been slightly unpredictable. There really needs to be a set plan about ongoing contact.

We have managed to maintain a very positive relationship with our daughter's foster family and that was, partly, I think because it was mapped out before she came to live with us so we were all clear.

Ask the children - openly! What do they think would work best. These people have been their proxy parents for a prolonged period of time - it is horrific that they might feel ashamed of the fact they are missing them, or want to cover up how they feel.

They are old enough to have a say in this! Communicate!!!!

Isn't it a good thing that they loved the foster parents? The more love the better I would have thought. Contact with the foster parents won't change that you are their parents for ever or their adopted parents. Sorry, I don't the preferred terminology.

I wouldn't return the Easter eggs. Imagine if the children ever heard that you had done that.

Bop, I think Kristina's post is very wise. Don't make things hard for your new family. The children have (presumably) had enough loss in their lives already.

As a foster carer who will have to cope with a child moving to an adoptive family within a couple of weeks I am saddened by your post.

Foster carers can't just turn their feelings on and off, oh if only I could.

Be grateful for the love and stability they have given your children.

Every time a little one leaves us a piece of me goes with them and letting go is so difficult.

Did the carers help you during introductions, did they open their homes to you and put their own lives on hold?

I often think social services would prefer to use robots rather than people as foster carers then they wouldn't have these awful clingy carers to deal with.

Flower3554 - I have huge admiration for foster carers and I know our daughter is happy and stable because of the love her foster family gave her. It's precisely because it IS such a huge wrench for the child(ren) and the foster carers that I'm surprised there isn't a clear plan about ongoing contact. If you just rely on everyone's emotions to guide it isn't it a minefield?

When your dealing with peoples emotions a hard and fast plan wouldn't work IMHO.

I have found, over many adoptions, that what gets me through is helping the adopters all I can.

I make lists, routines etc, I loan them equipment, anything to keep me busy and focused.

Then, when the child leaves I fall apart and to some extent its a relief to be able to let that emotion out, but what keeps me going is the contact from the adopters.

A phone call to let me know they're home safe and the little one is fine is little enough to ask.

A few snaps of them, an occasional visit all helps.

I have never in 21 years been asked not to send a gift and I would be horrified if I was.

Can I add that this will end, I still have contact with recent (last couple of years) adopters but none with people or children from any earlier.
Also remember that the carer will have knowledge no-one else has and you may need one day, I had a call only a couple of weeks ago from an adopter who needed the date of a medical the child had undergone some 2 years previously. For some reason no-one else knew this.

Thanks everyone for helping me see this from other perspectives.

Our situation was different from "normal" as we have been respite foster carers for these kids for 18 months, so there were no introductions as such. Much of the planning was left to us and contact with foster carers has never been discussed - which is probably why I am left feeling so confused about it all.

We have talked openly about their foster carers, even writing them thank you letters, and I was surprised and upset by the comments of the eldest yesterday but at least it is out in the open now. I reassured her that her misssing them would mean they had contact quicker not the other way around and that I had thought they were not missing them as they hadn't mentioned them.

I feel I need to post more (its helping me get things sorted in my own head), but just realised it nursery pick up time, so will be back later.

mBop

Continued...

I terms of contact, I am erring towards another phonecall next week and then a meeting over Easter weekend - perhaps at a neutral venue, rather than here. I also bought Easter cards yesterday for the kids to send their fc, so we can do those this weekend.

All the comments have been useful - although I found some quite hard. The fact I am posting here seeking advice does mean I am trying to do the best for our kids, and I was already concerned that my feelings were affecting my judgement on this, hence the post. Thanks your all your perspectives; they are helping me to make a better decision.

mBop

starlight - i think the extra issue for mummybop's children is that they have already experinced a lot of loss and trauma in their lives, so they are at much more risk of attachment difficulties that " average" kids.

also they don't have much idea of what a " normal" family life is like. so you need to be exttra extra vigilant about possible problems

thats why adoptive parents can seem to be worrying over nothing.

I found the foster carer for my little grandson very manipulative and controlling. I found it very difficult when dealing with her as she had become very attached. After our assessment to be kinship carers became positive we were able to move baby in with us. She rang me all the time and bought xmas presents etc. She visited also. Our s.w. arranged for her family to have time with baby to say goodbyes. She wasn't supposed to contact us after but she did. having said this when she was caring for him I found her very insensitive to our feelings. She would talk about things that she had planned, what she had bought him, parties that he was going to etc. I am really happy he was cared for so well. But he was our little grandson and we couldn't do these things so it made us feel sad. I found it very difficult and in the end I had to kind of be blunt and say that we were busy when she wanted to call. I just felt overpowered and undermimed. The time was difficult enough and it kind of made a very happy time miserable. Maybe this will fade out with your foster carers eventually. I can understand completely how you feel. It is difficult to explain.

sorry to thread crash mummybop - lijaco good to hear from you[waves]. I was thinking about you and your family and wondering how things are going? how are your son and GS? And how is your own LO coping with it all?

starlight - sorry if i was abrupt - didn't mean to offend . i thought your comments on the other thread from your friend's experience were very helpful

KrstinaM - no worries about the crash! Its interesting to hear other people's experiences. Thanks foir all your advice - you are very wise onthis.

After all our toing and froing on this we saw the kids SW yesterday and she told us she thinks we should leave it 8 weeks before they see their fcs. I feel this is too long, although I have told the kids this as I feel it is easier to bring it forward than put it back. We are going to call them weekly (at a set time) and I have helped them to make cards and pictures to send them and we are now talking about what is the same and what is differnt about living here, which will hopeflly help them through the change. Although we are trying to keep things as similar as possible there are undoubtedly some differences for instance we don't insist that the older two have the same thing for lunch at school so today one is having school dinner and the other a packed lunch.

Thanks
Bop

I think it's a great plan to have a set time for phoning the FCs - clear to everyone. Sounds like you're doing well!

hows it going mummybop?

My aunt used to foster children and she found it very hard to say goodbye. Although they always had other children pretty soon after the last ones moved out