What not to say to social workers!

[Hellofriends21]

If anyone here has been through the adoption process, I’d love your advice.
hope this doesn’t sounds dodgy but…
What should one avoid saying when being assessed by the social worker for suitability to adopt?

for example, if you look online, it says that smoking doesn’t automatically exclude you, but I know a couple who were told they couldn’t adopt as one of them admitted that he smoked approx 2 cigarettes per year socially! So they would have to wait a year after his last cigarette before reapplying.

I also know of a couple who were asked if they planned to get married ever. They said “yes maybe one day” or something to that effect, thinking that’s what the social worker wanted to hear, and were then told that they would have to get married before starting the adoption process as a wedding is a big deal and apparently they wouldn’t be able to cope with it if they had a child.

Absolutely not trying to be dishonest or scam anyone, this post is to help friends who are the most wonderful couple imaginable.
just wondering if there is anything seemingly innocuous they should avoid saying!?

this is in Harrow in London.

thanks so much!!

You shouldnt avoid saying anything. Honesty is always the best policy with social workers. Nor should you try and second guess what you think the SW wants to hear.
Now Ive had my share of good SWs, and others who were on a power trip, but I do wonder sometimes about these stories about what an SW said and think maybe there was a heck of a lot of misinterpretation going on.
In your wedding example I wonder if what the SW actually said was if you are thinking about getting married, it might be better to do it before you start the adoption process because planning a wedding whilst going through the process would be a whole heap of stress you can do without. Nor would it be ideal to find yourself with a newly placed child with a prearranged wedding in the mix.
Just be yourself and be honest. SWs have heard it all and there is rarely anything thats can’t be resolved.

I was told the only thing that would give you an outright no from adopting was smoking and offences against children.
Like Ted said getting married during the process or early placement was also frowned upon but not getting married ever.
But really as Ted said the absolute best thing you can do is be open and honest, they are trained to sniff out any lies or inconsistencies and that would look a lot worse than if you were upfront or open.

I’d say to just be honest, both the examples you give could easily be resolved through discussion “yes we might get married not not for a few years yet, and obviously we’d need to think about any child’s needs when and of the time came”, yes I very occasionally smoke on social occasions but not for a long time now”.

The problem with second guessing what you think they want to hear is that it comes across as a half truth, which would prompt me to start unpicking what else they weren’t being straight about. Better to be up front and have a potentially tricky conversation than to conceal something that comes out later and casts doubt on your openness.

Just remember it’s a job interview and not a therapy session and you won’t go too far wrong. Open honest but putting your best foot forward. Good luck

@Kewcumber That was my mantra, from you- it's a job interview for the job of "adoptive parent". It helped the "smile and nod" that was needed.