Feeling sad and annoyed

[Honeybee45]

Our son has been with us nearly 3 years and is now 8. We found out yesterday his bp did not sign or return the letterbox agreement so the 3 letters we have written have not been read. We do take a lot of time and care with the letters so we’re disappointed but mainly I feel really sad for our son that they aren’t interested in him or his life. We didn’t expect a reply but did think they’d be reading them.
I’m not sure why I’m posting this really but I feel so sad for him, he’s amazing and we’re so proud of him after all he’s been through.

It may not be that they aren’t interested, it may be just too difficult for them to read about him thriving in someone else’s care. Letterbox is often set up when permanency has been agreed with a lot of very painful emotions, the birth family may not know they can go back and sign the paperwork later on, but weren’t able to think about it at the time.

I know that’s the case for my kids birth mum - I keep sending them and taking time and care over them, because at some point she may want to know about her children and my children may want to know that I’ve kept that link even if she hasn’t been able to at her end.

Hi @Honeybee45
Could I suggest another perspective
It may not be a lack of interest but possibly just too painful for them.
All you can do is keep to your part, they may feel differently in the future

I think it's normal to grieve on behalf of our children that their birth family aren't able to engage. Anger can be a stage of that grief.

In the longer term, acceptance and understanding will come that they, too, are grieving, and will go through all that pain, and anger, themselves.

I doubt it's that they're not interested. It's more likely that a family who couldn't parent, also can't engage for letterbox. It's unlikely they just don't care- but 'caring' looks different for different people, and if this family could care in a functional, 'normal' way, they wouldn't have lost their children.

Thanks all for your messages and deep down I know you are right. He’s not seen either of his bp since he was 18 months old when the placement order was made and he’d been in foster care for such a long time with many moves before moving to us. We will continue to write the letters until he’s old enough to decide if he still wants us to.

@Honeybee45

I know you know this, just remember that adoption is such a complicated beast, it throws up all sorts of situations to which we are expected to have the text book response. But we are all human, we all have feelings, and that's OK. We wouldn't be such fab adopters without those feelings

I think the anger, frustration etc is an important stage. It's a sign of claiming your child. You're a good parent.

Keep going. A birth family member who did not read our letters for many years recently requested them from social services. You never know. There are so many potential reasons why birth parents might not be able to read your letters or write letters themselves.