At the beginning of Stage 1 - were others still unsure?

[cluecu]

Hi 😊I have posted occasionally on this board over the years as Adoption has been something DH and I have considered for a long time but for various reasons, we now feel it's time to explore it as a reality.

We are at the beginning of Stage 1 and in fact have a virtual 1st session with our social worker this afternoon. We're in the process of completing the medical and DBA checks and blocked the weekend out to tackle the more lengthy and intense forms/family tree documents.

I've also started reading a Sally Donovan book (No Matter What) as I've heard her mentioned a lot on here and one of the things that strikes me is how sure she was about adoption at this stage, compared to me. Is this quite a common feeling? We've been unsure for so long and know that the only way to try to reach clarity is to explore it but I wondering if this is something that others also felt at this point?

For context, we do not have any children and after many years of infertility and failed ICSI treatments, we know it won't happen now (we're both into our 40s). We do, however, have a very happy marriage and 'nice' life, but of course, we wanted children and still do.

Just really interested to see where other people's heads were at, at this point and where it either changed or didn't change.

I think it's very usual to have second, third and forth thoughts about adoption throughout the process. It's a time of acknowledging you won't create/add to your family biologically, there's mourning what might have been, uncertainty about what's to come. I don't think anyone is really, fully settled on adoption until they start going through the process and thinking about the little people at the other end, and even then that can feel quite anxiety provoking.

Just take one step at a time, check in regularly to see how you both feel, don't worry too much about cold feet unless it's a persistent, enduring feeling. It's a long road, your feelings are going to change throughout.

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you so, so much for your reply. It's really helped me. I think the quite quick target timescales for stage 1 are making it worse as well, I understand why it needs to be this way but just feels extra stressful!

Hi @cluecu
To be honest I think I was still having doubts until the day I met my son!

It's the start of a long journey, leading potentially to huge life changes. Its also a huge responsibility to be entrusted with the lives of our most vulnerable children.
Who wouldn't have doubts and worries? All perfectly reasonable and natural.
As jellycats says - take it one step at a time and allow yourself to have those feelings
Good luck

Thank you @Ted27 yes exactly, at the moment it feels overwhelming and although it sounds terrible I almost feel resentful. However i know it's partly because it doesn't feel real yet and more pain with no gain at this stage

Would be grateful for some comments. We are applying to adopt but my step daughter who lives at home (24) doesn’t want to give us a reference and my partner seems reluctant to push the issue and she is not really saying why. So we cannot adopt now. Not sure where to go from here.

@CocoMitzie

You might be better starting your own thread.
However, you don't have to have a reference from your step daughter, you choose your referees
Having said that, you won't get far if there is another adult in the house who is not supportive.
If your situation was different and you were planning a birth child, if she objected would that stop you?
I don't think I'd be too happy about an adult child who is likely to leave home soon stopping me like this, but I can appreciate that it's a delicate situation and you don't want to damage relationships.
To be honest I'd be expecting your partner to push her on this, give reasons so you can address her concerns. I would imagine she is concerned about being pushed out. Your partner can reassure her if that's the case. She may also have heard lots of things about adoption and is worried for you.
But ultimately she needs to stop being selfish and not get in the way of your plans.

Thank you so much. Yes she is at home