Struggling to cope!

[Tad73]

Hi,

I am finally glad to have found a site that I can post on with regards to my situation.

I recently have made contact with my birth father who is in the US. He was a marine that was based in Scotland where he met my mum. In march 1973 I was born and in the may that year he had his orders and left us. My mum married in 1976, had a baby boy and my step father adopted me. He has brought me up as his own daughter. we have not always got along but who does???

Anyway my mum has never discussed the fact I had a different dad and it was only because I was an inquisitive child that I have known since I was about 10 (found adoption papers). My mothers sister and mother have always been very good at telling me things about my birth father. I have always wanted to find him and by chance I came across his email address on a website and made contact.

We have been emailing now for about 5 months and I have a half sister who is going to contact me when she is ready. My father never told anyone about me all these years but has done so now. My problem is that my mum dosen't know. It is a very close kept secret between my husband, best friend and aunty. I am struggling to know how to deal with it all. If I tell her will she ever speak to me again???

I have not had great health the past 3 years and have a 16month old son. I am also struggling with depression and have just had my first session with a councillor to help me cope with the father thing.

I am not sure how the dad thing is going to work out as he seems to be happy to have me in his life but how can you really know from email?? He is not a great communicator and I feel that I am the one constantly having to get in touch with him. It is my birthday tomorrow and I wanted so much to get a card from him but I don't think he is remembering. My husband says it's not that important but it is too me. It's not that hard to post a card!!!!!

Sorry it is so long.

Would be glad of any advice

Thanks

Tracey

Hi there, I can totally understand you wanting to know your birth father and I am sure you will get some helpful replies on here. Can't your aunty tell your mum and step dad if you don't feel able to.

I can only speak as an adoptive mother with an absent father.

It's possible that you have visualised how your birth father might be, particularly if your relationship with your adoptive father is difficult. The reality may be very different to that and counselling is a very good idea - this is why many many people recommend counselling prior to contacting borth parents as very often the reality of the contact doesn't match what you are expecting.

My father rarely sends me a birthday card and even for my 40th I heard absolutely nothing from him. It has taken me some years to accept that he is just not the kind of father I would like to have. I don;t know what to suggest to you except to persevere with the counselling.

Oh and your husband is being silly - it doesn't matter if he doesn't think its important - its how you feel that matters. However even if you think its important you can;t make your birth father feel the same way.