Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Help

1 reply

Adoptionfrombirth · 08/10/2023 21:05

Adoptionfrombirth · Today 20:47

In context i was 20 now i am 31.
one dusty night at a pub nonetheless I met thiss women I was drunk with my beer goggles on when my friend said to me "she's pregnant" I thought that's the beer talking that's when I woke up thinking I must of dreamt thiss when I opened my eyes she was next to me in my bed 7 months pregnant.
I then thoght to myself how long was I asleep for then my sense of felling kicked in and I thoght to myself "not my child" but we still exchanged numbers then I felt a duty of care to check on her I rang her after 2 weeks with still no sign of the father.
I took it amongst myself to rise the child as mine even put myself on the birth certificate (yes this is a crime in the uk) but every child needs a dad.
Years went by in fact 8 and I had my own 1 boy and a girl so I have 2 boys and a girl. We broke up 3 years ago the child is nearly 11 which I have no contact with the children. I am going through family court proceedings (expensive might I add) she has admitted in a court setting (cafcass) the child is not mine I couldn't admit to it to the courts.
My questions are what shall I do? Shall I tell the child?shall I claim dna tests? Shall I just focus on my biological children? I promised him il take it to the grave am I being selfish in thinking thiss.

OP posts:
Torvy · 09/10/2023 06:45

There's a lot to unpick here!

I would suggest that the first thing to do is to sit down with the mother and have a genuine conversation about what is the best thing for the child. If the child has been raised knowing you as a father, it could be quite tricky to learn you aren't biologically related and this was deliberately kept from them. However, this forum would be an excellent place to find advice about telling children difficult things and how to manage it!

The situation seems quite complicated. If you know the child isn't biologically yours for sure, i dont know what good a dna test would be other than to allow you to be "surprised" at the outcome.

There are a lot of factors at play, but I'm usually a fan of telling the truth where possible, and building relationships based on that. Continuing as is seems impossible if the situation has escalated to the courts, but would it not be possible for you to keep playing some form of fatherly figure in the childs life regardless of your dna? Thats if you want it. If you decide not to see the child in question, thats a big loss tor you. In addition your biological children may feel that they have lost a sibling ( i dont know how close they are). You also want to consider that the child may wish to know their birth father, because of many reasons- curiosity, health conditions, desire to know about any other siblings etc.

It is hard to comment much further as we don't know much about why the birth mother is initiating court proceedings, or the details, but I would be asking yourself what you want the relationship with the child would ideally look like in the future and what steps you can take towards this. If it is as named father, because you want custody, what would you need to do to secure that? If you are deep down secretly hoping to relieve yourself of responsibility for a child you took on several years ago in less than typical circumstances ( not saying you are, just that it might be one layer of emotion) how can you do this without causing too much emotional damage? If you are not going to be legally the father, and are ok with that, what role would you want to play in the child's life, if any? That will form the basis of what you "should" do I would imagine.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page