INDISCRIMINATE BEHAVIOUR, ANY TOP TIPS, REALLY STRESSED.

[hifi]

apparently its a common problem with adopted children, no stranger danger. dd will go up to anyone, take their hand, sit next to them, asked to be picked up. just been to soft play area and she did it a few times to the other parents there, one woman was v uncomfortable with my dd practically sitting on her. any advice on how to handle it? had a little chat with her, shes 3.9, but im getting really stressed trying to manage her. if it carries on i dont know if i can take her to those sort of places.

Hi HiFi, I wonder how you are doing with this issue? My heart went out to you as I have suffered exactly the same experiences with 2 of my 3 adopted children. I say suffered, because I know well the mixture of feelings this type of behaviour can create, which include fear, hurt and rejection and others. I really liked your helper's suggestion as I also experienced that friends could be remarkebly insensitive to the problem - did it work?

i agree runningmum. i think that biological parents are generally very keen to dismiss the concerns of adoptive parenst by rubbishing their feelings with

"oh don't you understand - all kids do that !"

which feels like - if you were a REAL NATURAL mother you would not be over reacting like this. you would instinctively know what is normal or not, like i do. I have listened to your worries for..oh..about 5 mins so now i feel totally qualified to dismiss them.

no wonder its so hard for adoptive parenst to confide and seek support from biological parenst! At least when you child has a visible disabilty, people are slightly less likely to give you the benefit of their wisdom

Have experience of one very indisriminately friendly child and my worries were frequently dismissed with the but she's just delightful what are you worrying about kind of comment. Far easier to discuss with other adoptive parents who had some awareness of the issues. I did try some of the techniques commonly suggested and she seemed to respond. I think I found it surprising that I felt she had formed attachments with us when small but when able to walk and able to run around with confidence in social gatherings it became apparent that this was something unusual.
FWIW she's now a teenager and still very sociable and absolutely delightful (so far so good ) and I don't have any concerns about attachment issues.

Hope things are a little easier now HiFi

ouch, Kristina! Surely it's more a wish to offer reassurance (misguidedly or not) rather than an attempt to 'pull rank' on an adoptive parent.

Having said that, I do agree with what Kristina and Kewcumber have said about you needing to intervene firmly to guide your daughter on this issue.

Please try not to get stressed about what strangers may think. A friendly smile and 'I'm sorry' as you take your daughter will be fine. Most children have quirks which can embarrass their parents, whether adopted or biological. I have both so can tell you this from experience!!

I'm sure you are right janni - thats why i said it can feel like a criticism and a dismissal of your worries. I didn't say that it was meant as such

IME its friends and family who can be more difficult to deal with, as we don't want to hurt or offend then and we often NEED their understanding and support

not the raised eyebrows and looks that mean

" isnt she over reacting..she needs to chill out"

anyway, I'm glad this hasnt been your experience

Well it's early days for me, Kristina, in this adoption business, so I'll probably have more battle scars in years to come

I was in a taxi with my adopted DD this morning, on the way to a hospital appointment. The London cabbies always go a bit teary at the thought of sick children and this one went out of his way to say how pretty DD was and how she obviously took after her mum.

It felt very weird to just smile and say 'thanks'

hi everyone,and thanks for your concern running mum. well, shes come on leaps and bounds, so have the other children in the group. i dont have to have a little chat with her anymore before we go out and over the last 3 weeks she hasnt done it once,she has a look over, has a think then comes to me. what a relief.

Really interesting to read all this. I have 2 adopted children, my daughter is exactly like hifi's dd (don't know what that means, can't work out most short cuts!!). Had to tell her that it isn't right to ask for a kiss goodbye from her nursery teacher!