INDISCRIMINATE BEHAVIOUR, ANY TOP TIPS, REALLY STRESSED.

[hifi]

apparently its a common problem with adopted children, no stranger danger. dd will go up to anyone, take their hand, sit next to them, asked to be picked up. just been to soft play area and she did it a few times to the other parents there, one woman was v uncomfortable with my dd practically sitting on her. any advice on how to handle it? had a little chat with her, shes 3.9, but im getting really stressed trying to manage her. if it carries on i dont know if i can take her to those sort of places.

My DS1 was always like this - he's not adopted. I'm not sure why it's a problem? They get bigger, they get better at picking up on social cues, and they don't hassle people who aren't enjoying them ...

Could you just watch her closely and intervene when you think her bahaviour is inappropriate? And if she is looking for adult interaction just step in yourself?

Interesting what you say about adopted children...what age was dd when you adopted her?

she was 14 months, its because they donyt form attatchments, to one person, like a birth mum.
nqc, she doesnt pick up on any clues at all, its actually getting worse not better,its exhausting leading her away all the time and monitoring her every minute.

Kids of this age aren't very good at social cues, I don't think. She'll get better. I'm sure the other parents understand, and I'd bet some of them think it's flattering. I like it when random kids are friendly.

i think you are probably right nqc, she just went and sat inbetween 2 women who were talking and started talking to them, they looked a little shocked, i had to go over and appologise. didnt realise birth children did this, i havent come across it before.

I think she is reliant on you to teach her this stuff, and it must be hard work for you and you must need a lot of patience. If it is getting worse, perhaps she realises this is a good way to get more attention from you - and if you give her more attention in the firstplace this might be the answer?

Is your dd with you all the time, or in nursery? If she is with you when you interact with others then she will start to model your social interactions.

shes at nursery 2 days per week. i can actually be sat next to her in sand/ball pit and she will go to another parent. i have said i am your mummy ,just come to me.

maybe its just me, i do get embarassed.

I don't think it's exclusively an adopted child thing - a boy I used to childmind did this all the time and yes, I did find it really embarrassing.
They do learn social skills at vastly different rates - try not to fret about it too much. I think also at 3.9 she's old enough for a "some people don't like it when they're talking or having some peace and quiet and you interrupt"-type conversation.

My DS1 would wander off and go up to any parent. I liked that about him. Now, at 6, he's better at social cues, but he will have long involved conversations with strangers.

And yes, he'll go off with anyone, if I tell him to, but he understands he's not to leave with someone without talking to me first. It's never actually been a problem.

I guess it could be embarassing, but I like that he's so sociable and friendly.

My son is like this, is not adopted either. It's just a personality trait with some children.

Ds1 jumped onto a complete stranger's sunbathing back at the park once.

I was mortified.

oh thanks everyone, feel a little better now knowing its not just a quirk of hers.

Don't be embarrassed! Most folk are charmed by the attentions of a 3 year old, and for those few that aren't, well, so what, they used to be kids, too!

amazing what a chat on MN and a G + T can do for stress levels.

I love chatting to random 3 year olds. I am sure most people really don't mind.
Better to be friendly than painfully shy I reckon

My friend's adopted daughter used to do the same - she's now 6 and still occasionally does it, but only if she is really unsettled about something.

I'm sure she will learn and in the meantime big ((hugs)) as you help her through this.

Bop

sorry to disagree with everyone else, but i think it IS a problem and your parenting instincts are right hifi. i know that other parenst dont mind, but its not a good thing for a child with hifi's DDs background

its about attachment and i think you just need to keep on doing what you are doing. she needs to learn that she doesn't hold hands or get picked up by other mummies.

I'm not saying its a problem for other kids, but for adopted kids who are vulnerabel to attachment problems its NOT ok

sorry hifi, i dont mean to put up your stress levels again . i know its exhausting having to be on top of her all the time in a social situation. and you run the risk of other parenst thinking you are being overprotective or neurotic

but one of the hardest parts of being a parent of a child with "invisible" special needs is that you can be misunderstood or unsupported by other parents and even by friends and family.

at least i had a stress free evening KM
i have spoken to a friend who works in a special needs school and she is going to give me advice. she also says it is a problem. oh well keep ploughing on, we knew some of the problems we were taking on but more keep cropping up.
it trying to keep a balance of keeping her safe and her not becomming too wary of people.

just had a call from adoption agency, totally unrelated, and shes given me some tips.
i have to be very firm with her regarding this. i have to take her by the hand and quietly reiterate that i am her mummy and she must only come to me.every time she does this until she stops, also tell her before i go out. they are sending me a letter i can give to family and friends which outlines what they can do. obviously i cant hand this out at a soft play area but those she sees most can react appropriately .see how we get on.

Hope you can get this sorted - I am sure you can as at least you recognise there is a problem and are trying to work through it.

mBop

wow I'm impressed with your worker! A letter to give to family sounds great, especially for family members who won't really listen to you but will take it from an "expert"

sounds like you have a good support network too with your friends with Sn experience

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, but i guess you know thats its a symptom of attachment difficulties, which is why you have to deal with it so firmly

You don't need to worry about making her wary of other people. Kids with attachment issues are almost always extremely charming to other adults

one good thing to come out of it is that you can be reassured that your instincts are good. you picked up that there was something " not right" about this behaviour, even though its hard to put your finger on it and even harder to explain to someone else. i think its about the way its done or the amount of the intensity or frequency of it, or even the meaning it has for your DD.

Does that make sense??

total sense KM, thanks mbop.

I just wanted to comment too Hifi - you know that Kristina is right. Many of the problematic behaviours that adopted children have can be displayed by some non-adopted children but usually for very differnt reasons. In a well-bonded non-adopted child a lack of stranger danger awareness may well be because you just have a friendly child who's going through a phase which will wear off. Its possible that its teh same reason for an adopted chld however you can't take that risk as its more likely to be the remnants of attachment issues and won't right itself wihtout intervention. Some adopted children don't learn normal social cues without extra help.

Sometimes you do need to be overcautious and assume everything is a result of the adoption and try to resolve it becasue at least that way you will pick up on any of the problmes early rather than them deteriorating into a much more difficult problem.