Talking to a child about THEIR parent being adopted

[shalalala]

Hiya. I'm not sure if this is the right place, but wasn't sure where to post.

I have two DC who are 7 and 5, and want to tell them that I was adopted - me not them (I had them naturally). It obviously isn't as big a subject than if they were adopted, but I still feel it is important for them to know their family make up.

I was adopted as a newborn baby and it was 100% positive and I have brilliant parents. My younger sister was also adopted a few years later (different birth parents).

I feel it is important the children know about it, understand that their Nana didn't give birth to me etc - as it often comes up in conversation and I don't want to lie to them.

Any advice on how to talk about this/explain would be very appreciated. Thank you

Thank you. It's always been important to me to not lie and tell them when the time is right - and it just came up!

What is important to me, is to not put about blame/negative questions around their Nana - like why couldn't I grow in her tummy etc, why she couldn't have children. These answers are what I'm worried about the most.

I don't even remember being told tbh, have always just 'known'. I remember being told about my sister when I was 4 - just that a baby had been born and would I like to visit them, which I did.

We have had a brief conversation about it over lunch as it came up, but I am expecting to have the conversation again and more questions.
They asked why Nana couldn't have baby and I answered that some people can and some people have children in different ways. But now I'm doubting if that was the right kind of answer

Exactly what I'm thinking - thanks

I was in this very situation; adopted as a tiny baby and had the most fabulous parents I could wish for. I had two birth children of my own and simply told them that Nan and Grandad couldn’t have a baby, that sometimes that just happens, so they adopted me. I told them the story about being collected from the nursing home and how happy Nan and Grandad were - all the nice things they’d told me when I was little. My kids never questioned any more about why Nan couldn’t have a baby, but they liked to hear the happy stories. I never said ‘Nan couldn’t have her own baby’ … I WAS their own baby. I always referred to adoption in a matter of fact way, it was not a big deal - that’s just how it was. Now I’m the grandmother of an adopted child, so we have come full circle, which is rather lovely! xx

@MrsMatty This is lovely - just perfect. Thank you for sharing! I will use that very wording

*why did nana not have her own children

because nana wanted to have a baby who’s own mummy couldn’t look after them *

I’d be saying nana did have her own children, through adoption, and I’d move away from why your birth mum couldn’t care for you - that’s more than they need to know at that age.

The Family Book by Todd Parr is a great book for showing that there are many different ways to become a family.
You might want to use an example like Happy in Hey Duggee to say "Happy is adopted like I was by nana" You can drop examples like this into conversation when they come up naturally, then answer more specific questions as they come up. Just keep it factual and age appropriate.

Im an adoptee and just started really young, often when showing photos. ‘And here’s your lovely gran, she and grandpa adopted Mummy when mummy was a baby’. As my ds grew (dd still small), he had lots of questions that I tried to answer in an age appropriate way eg. “Why didn’t your mum want you?” “I think she did want me but she had lots of difficult things going on. Looking after a baby means getting up at night and spending most of the day cuddling them and talking to them and changing nappies or giving them milk. I think the things going on meant she felt that would be too much for her, which was sad for both of us - but I got to live with Gran and Grandpa, which was also lovely.”

I found it really important because it’s part of his identity too, so I think it’s brilliant you’re starting these conversations. I’ve also talked to mine about what I know regarding the parts of the uk they came from etc. We hope to adopt in the future when bc are older, so we’ve talked a bit about what adoption means and how the process works and ds wanted to know why we wanted to wait until he’s older, so we’ve just tried to be open and honest (but age appropriate) about the whole process, why it’s there (and historic reasons for adoptions) and how it works. My ds is pretty curious though, so I imagine some children might be a bit less probing!

Also for the questions about fertility, I’m different to some posters here. I don’t think it’s inappropriate to explain early because it’s just a part of the story. At 7yo, I think that’s a normal question for them to ask if they know how babies are made. I just say “Gran and Grandpa were unable to have birth children. They knew they wanted to be parents, so they looked into adoption and that’s how we found each other and became a family.” At some point, the question of why adoption and not birth children is bound to come up, so it’s fair to want to think through how to explain it as a mum. It was explained to me by my parents as a child as being part of the reason why my parents chose to adopt, so it’s really just passing on that story.

I'd second the conversation about infertility being an important one. We have an Osborne book on diversity & neurodiversity. It talks about all the things that make people different and it celebrates difference. I always edit in a bit about different bodies being able to do different things - keep it really factual & simple. Something like; not everyone can see - some people have guide dogs, some people's lungs need support breathing, some people's hearts need support to beat, not all women's bodies can grow babies. They may choose to adopt. That's what I did. Thats how we became a family.

For me, it's important to move away from the narrative that all women can make babies.

x

This is really useful thank you @EG88 @ChaosAndCrumbs

I agree it's important to me - and for them - to know reality in an age appropriate way.

Thank you for sharing

I never thought to tell my children I was adopted it just didn’t occur to me. One year we were on holiday with my best friend all sitting on the beach and my husband randomly mentioned it. My kids were surprised and shocked and exclaimed loudly and at length about it and were asking lots of questions. Basically the whole busy beach in North Wales heard about my adoption because they couldn’t help firing questions at me at full volume!! 😆😆😆😆

I’ll never forget it, that’s how they found out 🙈

I didn't talk about my adoption from the absolute get-go with my children but I can see why some might. I discussed it when they got to an age (oldest was I think about six or seven) when they were asking me questions about 'when grandma had [me]' that I wanted to answer honestly. My mum struggled with it but under no circumstances was I prepared to lie - and it's not exactly that she wanted me to lie, I think she was just hoping the whole thing could be avoided somehow.

I didn't get into details about fertility etc. When they asked more about that later, I just said it's the sort of thing that can be very private (not secret but private) and I don't know all the ins and outs (true.)

My kids were interested but don't really connect with it as something fundamental to their identity.