Questions to ask at first information session (and some other questions!)

[ParticlesDisbanded]

I've posted here before and found the MN adoption community to be very helpful. My partner and I are considering adoption and we have our first information evening next week. I'm getting so nervous that my partner will go to the session and then decide that adoption is not for him (we are considering Foster to Adopt). I'm also nervous that we won't ask the right questions or will do something that will mean that they won't approve us in the end. Are all these feelings normal? Or do they mean that we're not ready for this? Are there any questions that I should be asking?

I'm also really nervous about the agencies asking about our support network. My family lives in Australia, and my partner isn't close to his family so we don't see them often. We have close friends but most are busy with their own families and lives as we're in that stage of life (late 30s, early 40s) so I'm not sure how much of a 'support network' they would be considered. What do they look for with this?

I also have a few more questions:

• We currently don't have a car. Should we get a car before applying to be considered? I'm guessing it would be looked on favourably when being considered for F2A?
• We have been together for 11 years but aren't married. Is this something that would be considered? I know they say it doesn't matter, but I'm wondering if it would be a consideration in our case as the house is in DP's name and if the worst happened to him it wouldn't automatically go to me if you see what I mean? so would it be a red flag for potential instability in housing? Should we get married before beginning the journey?
• How much do they look into your accounts and financials? My partner is very financially secure, pays the mortgage, runs a very successful business, there are no questions around his financials. I'm self employed, however, and had a period last year when I couldn't work and am still sorting out my personal finances. I currently am paying off some debt that I've consolidated on a 0% balance transfer card and will pay this off over the next 19 months or so.

Sorry for all the questions, and that this is so long. Any advice or help would be hugely appreciated. Thank you

Hi particles disbanded
not sure how much help I can be as I’m not fully through my process just yet lol I have literally just started stage two so have now been allocated a social worker and am waiting for arrangements to start our home visits and interviews etc lol
From what I have been asked in our initial Interview and stage one paperwork the biggest ‘issue’ I see from what you have said may be the debt. This could be something that they will more than likely want to see you have paid off before proceeding as this is something they query from the get go. I didn’t have any so I’m not sure if there is maybe a limit to what they will accept debt wise though, perhaps someone else might know. I would say if it’s significant enough though it would be a no until paid.
you don’t need to be married and I can’t see your home being an issue, I don’t remember them asking who was on the mortgage etc.
how your feeling is normal I was the same and everything went through my head when I first spoke with them incase I said something to go against me lol I still feel like that more than ever now they’re calling out to ‘grill me’ more soon lol! Try to relax over it and just go get some more info, that’s what those evenings are about x

@newbsie Thanks so much for replying. If the credit card debt were an issue I could ask my partner to pay it and then pay him back I guess? I'm just so nervous about the whole thing.

Hopefully someone else can help with better advice 🙈 I just remember that being something they were interested in. When I said I didn’t have any they said that’s ok it’s just we would want any debts cleared before proceeding.
Im sure you’ll get the answers you need at the info evening and probably more answers to questions you didn’t realise you had as well lol!

We live in London and did foster to adopt and they didn't ask about whether we had a car at all. We did wonder and so once we got to stage 2, we asked the SW outright if not having a car was a problem and she said it was totally fine when public transport is so good. As it was we managed to do our contact sessions with birth parents on public transport just fine. According to our SW plenty of London adopters doing mainstream adoption hire a car if they end up doing a week or 10 days of transitions far from home.

Thank you so much for your insights @newbsie & @Parksitting - I really appreciate you taking the time to reply! I always get public transport everywhere (I would actually hate to have to drive in London and enjoy walking) but am just second guessing myself on everything at the moment!

I guess my question around my credit card payments is will they look at our finances together and a couple (in which case I would have no concerns) or would they look at us individually as we're not married?

For an info session they will be mainly telling you what kind of children they have, what the process is etc. There may well be forms for you to fill out to formally apply.

Support network. You will need emotional and practical support. I am often shocked on MN when people say they have 'no one they can ask for help' when their y1 child is ill and y3 needs walking to school. The ability to ask for help is an important skill for adopters. Your support network may well change a lot once placed, but the ability to form connections and ask for help is important.

I'd ask them how much / what type of childcare experience they want you to have. It will be to your benefit to have experience of the age you are thinking you want to adopt.

@ParticlesDisbanded The thing that sticks out for me here is your housing situation.
Regardless of whether or not you adopt, for your own protection and security you should resolve this.
If something happened to your partner or you split up where would you live? Why would you not inherit the house if he died.
Presumably you are paying towards the costs? Where is your protection?
Without wishing to be all doom and gloom, the divorce rate amongst adopters is high.

You really should sort that out.

Just be yourself. That’s all they are looking for. I too was a paranoid mess but looking back as long as you are honest, engaged and open to making changes the rest can be worked through.
I think re money all they are looking to know is that you are solvent and can afford to take a year off work.
Regarding support network we were mostly ask about who we would lean on for emotional support (they do not need to be local) and who we would lean on for practical support.

Hi we finished our stage two a few months ago so I'll try help

• I've already read that no car is fine in areas with excellent public transport. We live rurally so car is a must.
• I would personally get civil partnered, we did and it cost us £300 all up. We want to get married in the future but we were saving our money for kids and house so civil partnered was safer and a better option. Now that we have been matched we can start planning a wedding that involves the kids. - getting civil partnered and the house deeds placed in your name is a major green flag for them as the cost of Living and housing crisis are questioned quite a lot during stage 1 & 2.
• if I'm being honest...given how rigorously they went through our finance with a fine tooth comb and we still 9 months later are sending screen shots of our bank account and savings account to prove we have money and it keeps growing... they will most likely ask you to pay off your debt, secure your housing and then come back and apply.

Cost of living is dominating assessments right now (well it is in our agency in the north west) and I have seen people with excellent jobs and stable houses be turned away and told to come back due to credit card debt.

Some homework often focuses on planning a budget pretending you are placed with a 3 and 2 year old who attend nursery full time or a 6 year old who plays football, goes swimming at the local baths and does scouts (those were our examples we had to budget for) maybe try a pretend budget now and see how you fair? I can send you the template they had us use if you want it.

Hiya

Every situation is different and every social worker seems to assess slightly differently.

I'm not married, the house/mortgage is in my name, my family don't live nearby and our social worker just had a look at our bank balances of our online banking. We were asked to get a will so I would ensure my partner inherited the house. We do have a good network of support through our work places and friends who live in neighbouring streets. We get on fine with family but they're just some distance away. We explained that we would like to get married but this will not change our relationship and will just cost us a lot of money which could currently be spent elsewhere.

My friend who has no concerns around their finances had to have 6 months of bank statements printed so they could go through and look at what was spent where. There's was very thorough and we were with the same agency.

All social workers are different but they may question why your partner hasn't paid off your debt. I'd imagine they would expect the debt paid off first. Don't worry about the car, my friend didn't have one. They did FFA and the social Worker collected the baby for contact. Someone else has already used the example of many people living in London not having cars.

I would say that it seems a bit like you have kind of separate finances going on, and if I were a social worker I would find that interesting to unpick. Most couple fight over housework and money, and when you are on adoption leave and one of you isn't earning any it can bring up some very complex and emotional issues about feeling adequate and deciding what is and isn't reasonable expenses and being beholden to someone else.

If I'm brutally honest, it shouldnt matter but the marriage/civil partnership gives legal protections that I think might help to support your position, and unless you are ideologically opposed to it (which I do understand) adds that extra level of perceived stability to the relationship from the point of view of an external agency.

We live in an area with good public transport, but even so most stuff is much quicker by car. Think about dragging round a buggy, all their stuff, them having a meltdown... its nice to have the car as an option if you can afford it. We were also asked about how quickly we could get a child to hospital, and it seemed be a massive boon that we could drive to one in 9 minutes according to the speed limits and, as I noted, I reckoned about 3.5 if I had a choking child and disregarded any speed limits or other safety factors!

Support networks are vital, but they don't have to be family. You just have to be able to make them and sustain them, and show that. We found ours invaluable for both practical and emotional support- for example we have one friend who helped us go through blood work results over the phone, a relative who delivered food when we needed it, friends who let our two very energetic sons go on playdates with their children when random school friends might not turn up etc. Even a neighbor who dashes out for milk or takes the bins out for you can be helpful, someone at the allotment who can give you a coffee as the kids play will save the day, a mum at a playgroup who will get you a biscuit and walk home with you can be a godsend, so don't forget to think about them as well.