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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Anyone matched outside their age range?

12 replies

Cranberriesandtea · 22/07/2023 22:08

We were approved in April after a 9 month assessment. Approved for 2 children ages 0-2.

We were made aware throughout assessment that sibling groups with one sibling older than 2 is most common.

We have been matched with a 3 and 2 year old. We have their profile and waiting for their CPR. Their profile describes cannabis use in pregnancy, no alcohol or other drugs (that were detected by ante natal or disclosed by BM)

By all accounts they are two very thriving and healthy little ones. Both born full term. Hitting all milestones and have a fantastic routine at FC. The 3 year old was 18 months when removed and 2 year old was 4 months. Both removed into FC at the same time.

Can anyone who adopted the same age please tell me your experience? We are really anxious about such a massive change for them for ages that are able to understand more than say a 12 month old. We are anxious we are causing trauma which I guess every big move like this in a child's life is traumatic in some way, but it's how we help them heal when home with us.

We are first time parents and have no idea what our life will be like going from 2 nerdy home bodies in a nearly silent house 24/7 to a family of 4 with 2 kids under 4!!

OP posts:
Noimaginationforaun · 22/07/2023 22:51

We adopted our son when he was 23 months old. He was 5 months old when he was removed from BM. Oh, it was by far the best decision we’ve ever made. Originally, I was all saying I only wanted an under 1 and this wonderful boy popped into our lives.

In the beginning, there was a lot of peaks and troughs regarding behaviour. Originally, he came home not having a nap but quickly went back to a solid 2 hour nap in the afternoon. He would swing from being very anxious and teary (like, I couldn’t get him through automatic doors for about 6 months without me carrying him) to him biting and hitting. But then, slowly slowly, things just started to settle. We had his routine. He really thrived with the whole up at 7 - breakfast - dressed - play routine. It honestly all lasted about 6 months and then we just noticed that he was settled. Routines could change and he’d be fine. He was ready to start potty training by 2.5 and was dry within about 2 weeks. He went from 1 or 2 words to putting 3/4 words together.

We have just passed the 2 year mark and have a thriving 4 year old. He is meeting all his milestones, has lots of little friends, is starting school in September, loves holidays, is very happy to share his opinion with you, loves to play and have big cuddles and kisses. He’s just pure magic. I wish I could rewind time and do it all again!

Patchyman1 · 22/07/2023 23:27

We adopted an 18 month old and 28 month old sibling pair 9 years ago. They were in foster together from when youngest was 9 months old. Older one could talk, younger one couldn't. The older one was hugely anxious about younger one at first. We did loads of stuff as a 4 to start with but also lots of short trips out just one of us and one of them to get them used us on their own and then all coming back together to make them less dependent on each other if you see what I mean. Won't lie it was bloody exhausting at the start! They shared a room to begin with as they had in foster, but when they both moved in to beds we put them in separate rooms as they kept climbing on each other when one was asleep! Hardest thing was things like moving into beds, potty training, all the stuff like that was delayed as we needed to get them settled with us before making big changes to their routine. So they were slightly older at being out of cots/nappies etc but all worked out fine.
They are now 10 and 11. Life is still crazy but don't regret having 2 at once.
If you want any more info do let me know.

Whatthechicken · 23/07/2023 09:02

We adopted two siblings at 2.5 and 3.5. They had been in FC for over 12 months. It was really hard work, but such lovely ages. There was a lot of worry about my two, in terms of health for the youngest and trauma related behaviour for the oldest. The introductions and how it was handled was crucial. I don’t think they remembered anything from before they were taken into FC as such, but there were triggers that resulted in certain behaviours - such as car journeys.

We are incredibly honest with our two and we often have to reiterate their histories to them. We sometimes still get ‘when I was a baby did I do this…’ because they do try to fill in the blanks or reshape history. We got good life story books though which helped.

It was a massive adjustment to suddenly have two at home for us, but we got through it.

My two are doing really well, we are very proud of them. Only occasionally now, we see something in their behaviour that we can directly relate back to their adoption status - that being said we are vigilant and we know the triggers - it may resurface as they get older.

Drop me a PM if there is anything else you’d like to ask.

Northernblue · 23/07/2023 13:23

Our little one came home at just shy of four. Very recently. One of our biggest concerns was the attachments to foster carers after being there for three years. But as SW let telling us. This was the best plan for them, the FC’s couldn’t adopt her. And adoption is a better option than long term foster care. We had incredible long intros. Nearly 10 weeks with 2 weeks intense at the end which was exhausting for everyone. Particularly little one! But I think they were needed. We got to know LO pretty well and they got to know us. However the grief for FC’s is very apparent and hard to see. We felt like child snatchers when we did final
Pick up to come home. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel though and I wouldn’t change anything. They are amazing and our lives have been flipped upside down, we’re exhausted
But super happy! I think the main thing is to ensure that the right support is there for you and them. We have a therapist working with us pre adoption and post adoptions support for further therapy for the little one. Good luck for the future!

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 23/07/2023 13:28

We adopted out of age range. We were approved for 1 or 2 age 0-7 and came home with a 2.5 and a very nearly 8.

What I would do is think very hard why you wanted the age range you did and whether there are good reasons for going outside of this.

Cranberriesandtea · 23/07/2023 14:27

@Noimaginationforaun @Patchyman1 @Whatthechicken

Love these experiences thankyou! We have been reading a lot on transitions and how to build attachments from day one. all our friends and families are jealous, saying that they went back to work (after maternity or paternity leave) just as the "fun" age began so to think my wife has a full year of the "fun" age makes people a bit jealous! It's a positive feeling. I know it also a very emotional age as the frontal lobe has some massive growth between 2 and 4 but I guess if we stay positive we can negotiate that expect it to be a bit tumultuous!

Can't wait to have two little people to dote on, get out and about with. Their profile describes them as adventurous, loves change and spontaneity and love dare devil things (I think that's a common theme for traumatised kids isn't it?) I'm an outdoors person so I'm really looking forward to bonding in nature and seeing new things with them. (I've already bought two Liverpool kits as they said they both love footy and that's a wee dream come true for me)

I guess my fear was because they are older they will really feel the change and transition and I was worried that the move to ours would actually be like watching trauma happen in real time. Worried I wouldn't be able to make them feel safe and secure because their FC bond is so strong. Especially the 2 year old. She has health needs not too complex but cause distress and I'm scared I won't give her the same level of comfort no matter how hard I try as FC can as she has been there with these health needs from diagnosis.

I wonder if these little babies know that even before we have met them we are already losing sleep over them!

OP posts:
Whatthechicken · 23/07/2023 14:40

We did a really good intro book for our two which helped,pictures of house, pets, their bedrooms, the park, our car - we also put the teddy we were giving them both (a dog that looked like our dog) in each of the pictures. We filmed ourselves reading the Gruffalo too with the different animal masks (we moved the masks though so they could see our faces). The kids FCs did an amazing job preparing them. On our first day of intros the kids were banging on the window shouting mummy and daddy.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself though, it’s hard, tiring and worrying. In the beginning you may just be in survival mode. Our dog got so many walks around the block in those early days, so I could get 5 mins to myself. There will be big emotions to contend with. Just get everyone through the days, the love, fun and everything else will follow in good time.

Whatthechicken · 23/07/2023 14:49

Love the Liverpool kits! As my kids have grown they love hearing about the detail and thought we put into the toys or things we bought. Enjoy the excitement and preparing!

Torvy · 26/07/2023 06:45

I can't speak too much to adopting outside your chosen age range, but we did the same age ranges and siblings. It's been great, but also exhausting. Loads of stuff that I would have said is covered above, but just few random bits below from our experience for you to ponder on:

Your friends are right, you do get them at a good stage. A chunk of time off work to bond with them before obligatory school means you can get the sweet spot of doing cool stuff with them whilst they also kind of remember it. We do loads of stuff with ours that we couldn't if they were a bit older or a bit younger. That being said, we do it alone because all our friends are back at work. It is an unusual position to be saying you are on maternity when they are older, and it obviously comes up a lot when you attend stay and plays or groups or whatever. Either that or your kids are the oldest at events. Which leads me to the next thing...

Having adventurous and bold kids is bloody hard work. We have two of them, and by God it is knackering. Climbing, running, jumping on the sofa, throwing stuff to see how high they can get it, licking snails to see how they taste, etc. It can be a sign of sensory processing disorder (in the process of being asssessed), which can be tricky to manage because it is a need that seems to never be truly met in ours. What that means in practicality is that they NEED exercise come rain or shine, and long long walks, more so than other kids. They also barrel into places with zero fear and 100% noise and energy, which can be hard socially because you feel like you are continually gasping and saying PLEASE STOP CLIMBING ON THE CLIFF NO NO THATS NOT FOR JUMPI- NOT THE ROCKS AGAIN FOR THE LOVE OF.... etc. Thats hard because you are often the onlynone saying it. With adoption it also comes with something we didn't consider, which is that every time ours get injured doing whatever they were doing, we have to have a social worker visit. The FC had them in buggies all the time partly we think because they were worried about their behaviour, and the riskiness of it. One fell face first onto a rock whilst carrying a log he didnt want to put down, bruising his face, the other rolled down a hill too hard, etc. We self report anything significant to the MASH team as we are pre AO, and so the kids social worker knows us and the kids, but it is a stress because at under a certain age they can't self report so they have to be seen in person, which means an on the day visit from a SW to verify the kids are OK, which means changing all your plans. At 2 and 3 they are also mobile enough to be practicing their independence but also clumsy enough to need your support, which can be hard if you are still bonding with them. Adventurous kids are never dull, but it can be hard especially if you let them take risks. It's a much finer balancing act than I thought it would be! My 3 nearly 4 year old climbs things designed for 10 and 12 year old, but still sometimes runs like a toddler and thinks like a toddler.

The age range is also something people want to talk about a lot. It comes up all the time, in the supermarket, at school gates, on the street. If I had a pound for an unhelpful "ooh, you've got your hands full! 2 under 2 were they?" Comment I wouldn't have to end my adoption leave.

Going from 2 to 4 is huge. There are so many more dynamics to consider, their sibling one as well. Ours tag team with each other to outsiders, so if one gets in an argument the other barrels in too, yet they tell tales like nobody's business if it suits them. You have an immediate family, but also need to think that if you are the stay at home parent you will be the one dealing with the two of them, and then they outnumber you. What happens when you need to leave the park and one refuses? For example, when I go out of our local area I take a buggy so that I can keep one in one place and chase the other wherever they are going. In our local area I have a continual supply of chocolate waffles that I threaten to eat if they don't come and that works. A 2 year can put on a surprising burst of speed when they want to! It's the same at doctors appointments- you have to take both, but by God it is tricky to manage, and some of the appointments can be long and require delicate conversations as you get to know the services involved or transfer them to your providers. It's hard with two toddlers who will only watch one episode max of Chuggington on a phone before deciding that the scalpel tray and sharps box is way more interesting just as the GP is telling you about how much medication to give and why.

Other things to consider are nursery options. Ours will be in the same class for a term, so that's worth thinking about.

Their neurodevelopmental needs may not be obvious, so we have spent a lot of time at medical appointments trying to work out whether they can't hear us or are ignoring us, whether the waking up at night is coughing or nightmares or trauma etc.

We also found that becoming parents to toddlers required a very steep learning curve about developmental milestones and what is and isn't normal, health visitors, red books, all that stuff, but usually with two very noisy toddlers in tow. Also getting people to take stuff seriously is hard because they are young, but we keep reiterating the importance of early intervention.

We had to get two bins because both of ours were still in nappies, which was a whole load more admin from the council.

Regression meant our youngest language was delayed, which wasn't necessarily a problem intellectually but meant he couldn't communicate his needs with us beyond crying and screaming, but he needed much more nuance than that. Add to that we were (are!) Inexperienced parents who had a child we really didn't know much about and those first months were incredibly hard. He can now, but we hadn't factored in how much this would impact his emotional wellbeing.

We changed so many nappies, rocked to sleep so many times and fed so many bottles that we didn't feel we had missed out too much on the baby stage.

However, there are loads of benefits. Hand-me-downs make way more sense for two close in age, they are absolutely hilarious together, they eat the same food, they love the same TV. We have snail pets everywhere, sing songs all the time, we have had the opportunity to make some great memories. It's been the most ridiculous and busy time of our lives, but it hasn't been a traditional maternity leave, so if that is important to you I would think about that.

It is honestly a wonderful time, and I wouldn't change our two for the world. Watching them bond is great, they are just developing their own quirky sense of humour, they can speak so can start to explain what is going on in their little minds, respond to us when we speak.

Hope these things add to your ponderings as things to consider!

Patchyman1 · 26/07/2023 12:13

@Torvy the keeping one in a buggy so you can chase the other brings back memories! We had a double buggy which was exhausting to push when they were both in it. Your doctors appointments sound like ours did too!
I took them both out with the dog this morning. They are now 10 and 11 and I still had to bribe them to come back and get in the car. The dog was no help either he totally joins in the arsing around!

Cranberriesandtea · 26/07/2023 17:09

@Torvy

Thankyou! I love this message, my wife and I read both aghast and laughing at the same time. You mentioned things we hadn't comprehended and things we looked at with rose tinted glasses are being looked at with a bit more realism now...I.e attending appointments with two toddlers and trying to concentrate. And the tag teaming. These two's competitive behaviour made it onto their profile "not the best at sharing and continually wanting what the other one is playing with" had its own paragraph so it must be full on. The CPR mentioned numerous times how "on the go" they are so whilst we haven't seen that personally, I'm sure there could be an element of sensory seeking in there too!

Thankyou for this comment, such a great insight. I'll come back to it in 6 months when they are home and see how many similarities I can tick off lol. 🙈

Very interesting about pre-AO having SW check injuries, of course that would happen! Didn't even cross my mind. But it's very understandable if not takes the magic away that your everyday parenting could be under so much scrutiny. Fair enough!

OP posts:
HPFA · 29/07/2023 14:41

I wish I could rewind time and do it all again!

Ah,* *@Noimaginationforaun this made me go all snivelly.

Mine's 18 though - you hopefully have lots of fun to come!

I know why people are so keen to be grandparents now.......

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