Guidance

[adoptionissues]

Hi all,

So a little background.
Me and my ex partner were together for some time.
I found out that they had a criminal conviction of independent images of children (disgusting) and to my utter horror, their conviction ended up on my DBs (as a 3rd party disclosure). Some time later, the relationship ended (due to other issues as well. (I was young and naive and didn't see any evidence of them looking at pictures of children)).

I'm now happily married, and me and my partner are now looking into adoption. I have been assured that my DBs will be cleared of any information relating to my ex. My partner doesn't know about my ex's conviction as we havent spoke about it and I really don't want to have that conversation. And I'm pretty sure that would be a confidentiality breach too to discuss my ex's conviction.

My question is, do I have to have that conversation with a social worker about my ex? We live a long distance away from each other, like 300 miles and we have no contact. I haven't spoken to the ex in years and I am worried this will hinder my adoption process Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance!

Hmmm unsure. They will want to discuss and pull apart any serious relationships you've had. If you lived together then social services will want to explore it. It's best to tell your husband, why keep it a secret? The process is long and honestly it's difficult to keep secrets from social workers.

They do usually want to speak to your ex's so I think you'd need to be completely honest with them as a starting point,the assessment does go in to your past relationships etc.i would think you also should tell your husband.

If you do not disclose and social workers find out, your adoption journey will be over for good. Why do you not want to discuss this with your husband? Based on this secrecy, social workers might question your ability to have difficult conversations with your future child.

Hi All,

Thanks for the advice so far.

I don't want to tell my husband purely for the fact I don't have contact with my ex, he lives 300 miles away from me, and it's their conviction, not mine.

I am not involved anymore with any information about my ex, not do I want to be. It was a mentally abusive relationship and I don't want to revisit the past or have my husband know the knowledge of my ex. I simply want to move on with my life and have a family with my husband.

Unfortunately, I can't have children of my own, so adoption is really the only way to go to for us.

Thank you all

To be honest, the whole process involves revisiting the past. Social workers will want to know that you have processed all of those events in your life both together and as a couple.

They will pull at any loose threads and this is a big loose thread.

They would want to know why you felt you owed your ex confidentiality over total honesty in your current relationship, especially given that it was official and has a direct impact on your relationship now. You owe him nothing at all. There is no such thing as confidentiality in this process really!

They also need to know whether you have really been able to process that time in your life. For example, would you know the signs of another abusive relationship? What tools or strategies would you have to escape it? Being a new parent absolutely kicks you in the gonads mental health wise, and you can be incredibly vulnerable, so having a robustly set of strategies to prevent your own isolation would be important. I would say it is a strengrh- you have clearly done it before, so you could talk about this as a positive aspect.

I would also say that having a kid can be very triggering, and adopted kids can be incredibly astute about working out your triggers. For example, if you like a tidy house because your mum/ex/uni flatmate was messy, or insisted on it or mentioned it once when you were feeling vulnerable, the sound of a million tiny lego pieces tumbling to the floor as your child gleefully empties a box with nary a care in the world about them going everywhere for the tenth time that day might well be the last straw. I would say that you need to have processed everything that happened with your ex with your new partner so that they can know why you reacted that way and can support you. It also means you can name your own feelings.

Finally, there is also a lot of life story work involved for adoptedchildren. You tell them stories, retell them, play them out, help them to make sense of it. The breach of trust between you and your ex when you found out about those images must have been really hard. Your children may have gone through similar experiences, or been victims of similar circumstances. You will possibly be reliving your own trauma everything you do this, and without the support of your intimate partner that is hard.

I would say you have a really good opportunity to discuss this with your partner, and get some good learning from it that will be seen as really beneficial in your application.

I totally get not wanting to even think about an ex. Unfortunately there just isn't a way round it unless you tell a big lie. As others have said, if they then find out you will be stopped from adopting. They speak to various references for you both, all it needs is for a friend or family member to mention an ex and that will be it.

It's shit but it's how it is. I'm sure if you talk to them about the relationship and it being abusive they will not contact your ex. So I wouldn't worry about that side of things.

A lot of the process is about gritting your teeth and keeping in mind the end goal.

Have you had counselling for your past relationship and the abuse? If not, book a few sessions whether you feel you need them or not. They made us stop the process until my husband had three sessions. He didn't need it but we did it to tick the box. They then requested the counsellor confirm he had those sessions and that was that.

Hope that helps!

That’s a pretty big thing to try and keep from social work - I’d want to explore a number of things with you as part of the assessment ie why you continued a relationship with someone who had a conviction for sex offences, the abuse you experienced in the relationship, how the relationship came to an end, the supports you had in place, what’s changed in you now particularly in terms of your judgement.

You can’t be help responsible for someone else’s offence, but remaining in the relationship after finding out about the abuse, and his abuse of you would need to be explored in the context of you being able to protect yourself and any child placed, being able to set and maintain safe boundaries in the home and any potential trauma you may still be carrying. I’d certainly want to see you having had therapeutic support for all of that.

I know it feels unfair that you can’t just wipe out the past and move on, but adoption is hard on everyone- better to do the hard work of reflection now than be dealing with the fall out post placement.

Hi All!

Its been 2 years since I posted originally!

An update, I told my husband and he understands and is really supportive.
I spoke to the SW about my ex...you were all right, they really did go deep into my past. To be honest, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.

We are now heading into panel and im nervous that they are going to pick at this even moreso.

Any advice?

Thanksyou

Your social worker should prepare you for panel, and have a good idea of any questions or possible sticking points in your report. What have they said? The panel isn’t about re-examining things you’ve gone through in the adoption assessment, they might ask a few questions if something is unclear but it’s not the place for in depth questioning. Have you read your assessment report?

Hi jellycatspyjamas,

Yes, I read the PAR and its exactly what me and my SW spoke about. Haven't had my prep day yet, so im just nervous about it.
The big day for panel is nerve wracking.

It is very nerve wracking, and it’s natural to be anxious but remember this is what you’ve been preparing for. Your social worker should highlight any areas they might ask about. You’ve stuck with a long, intrusive process and they decide whether you can finally become parents - it’s a big deal but try not to worry. Panels generally want to approve adopters, and in my experience are very respectful and try to be kind while also checking everything is as it should be. Good luck!

Just to reiterate PP, we had a medical issue that they really had to dig in to and that was brought up at panel.
Panel really want to approve you. I’m pretty sure the questions they asked me were around how to spot the issue if it was to happen again/what support I’d have to deal with it with a dc at home but it was asked in such a way that it felt they wanted to check I was prepared rather than that they were tripping me up IYSWIM.

It’s normal to be nervous. Just be calm, take a breathe before you answer any questions. Good luck

Hi All,

So i noticed something on the PAR.
Regarding my ex, when I ended the relationship, it was done. Unfortunately, I stayed in the same house for a few years afterwards (in seperate bedrooms and so on), due to his manipulationand controlling behaviour. I noticed this on the PAR, spoke to my SW and since its with the panel clerk, they are saying because of the "timeline gap" they might have to postpone my panel date!

Im so worried that we are going to get delayed. We have spoke about everything with our SW and she's been lovely. I have felt supported and encouraged and now, to have it potentially pulled from us, at the last minute, feels like a kick in the teeth.

Thanks everyone

What’s the timeline gap? A gap in your address history or work history? As long as it’s accounted for. What’s your social worker saying? She could submit an addendum explaining the gap.

Hi,

Technically there is no gap. I shared a house with my ex, we were in seperate bedrooms, due to the nature of his abuse and so on.

They have said that since I was living under the same roof as my ex for 5 years, after i ended the relationship emotionally, then they want to verify that.

In my par it says in ended the relationship immediately then in a different area it says in left in 2020.

They want to know the arrangements of this from a reference. I have ended all contact with my ex, his family and his friends. I was very isolated when I was with him so not really sure what else to do. The par has been checked 3 different times and no one spotted it, except for me. When I bring it up, suddenly my panel date has been postponed. Apparently, they will do a addendum explaining the chronology of events and reflective piece. Any advice would be really appreciated.

We had to submit an addendum (I’d actually forgotten until your most recent posts). Unfortunately PARs aren’t as stringently read as they should be because the people who proof read them already know your history so they know what they should say.

We had to submit an addendum clarifying DHs family as both parents have been married more than once, there was an abusive step parent in the mix and the par mentioned a brother, a sister, half sister and various step siblings and there was a question about abusive step parent having contact with us/being a risk.

I think the addendum clarified his family tree as the prefixes (step/half were muddled and he actually has just 2 siblings) and we added a timeline to show the abusive step parent was a marriage ago and we’ve had no contact with him for almost 20 years.
It delayed our panel by a week or so which was devastating at the time (but honestly came in handy as experience for the matching panel delays that came later) but it all worked out ok.

Push your SW to write a clear timeline and if you have any evidence to show the relationship ended in X year but you moved in Y year, add that. And push to get it done asap as delays are stressful and panels get full quickly.

This is our second delay as our sw was off unavailable for a number of weeks! We had a panel date and that got postponed and now this.
Today the manager said they aren't sure when the next available date will be for panel. I dont want to wait another month like I have already had to. Its exhausting.

As I mentioned earlier, I have cut contact from everyone during that period of my life. So when they want dates and such, I know know the years and thats it. Also a reflective piece with headings apparently. It just seems a total mess now.

Thanks for letting me rant.

It’s really not uncommon for there to be additions or addendums to reports for panel. People’s lives are complex and no one sets out thinking “I’d better get dates, paperwork, evidence for this in case I want to adopt in 10 years time”. You’ll also find that local authorities are being really sticky about reports being accurate due to recent reports around safeguarding and adoption after some horrific cases.

I get that it’s frustrating and delays are really discouraging - I had delays in the process for a whole variety of reasons out with my control. In the end, had everything gone smoothly my DC wouldn’t have been freed for adoption when I was approved and they’re the perfect children for me. I try to be quite philosophical about everything happening in its own time. I know that’s doesn’t help when you’re stressed and anxious, but hang in there.