Adopt and "old" child and traumas

[sugarfeather]

Hello, we are a couple considering the adoption of an "old" child (5-9 years old), potentially having a difficult history.

We are looking for resources and testimonials on the consequences of abuse, neglect and sexual abuse in adoption, and their management.

Thanks in advance.

Adoption UK have great resources so well worth checking out.

By now, there is a lot of information out there. You might find these resources helpful:
Dan Hughes: Building the Bonds of Attachment
Sally Donovan: The Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting
Sarah Naish: The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting
Karen Purvys: The Connected Child
Celia Foster: Big Steps for Little People
The adoption themed podcasts of CreatingaFamily.org
I second AUK. Their forum has unfortunately gone very quiet, but they have local and virtual meet ups etc. Def worth it.

There is a lot of information out there, and some good reading suggestions. What I would say is it’s pretty unusual for a child over the age of 6 to be placed for adoption - many local authorities look at permanent fostering instead for various reasons.

With an older child there’s often better awareness of how they’re doing, any additional support needs etc because they’re in school and developmental issues have become clearer, as they often do with age. Given that I’d pay close attention to their paediatrician’s report, school reports etc because they’ll give you a good idea of what to expect.

In addition to trauma you’ll want to consider the possibility of FASD and neurodivergence. My DD was 6 when I adopted her and while she has her challenges, she’s an absolute sweetheart and, all things considered, not difficult to parent.

While I agree that children it is not common, I know several people who have adopted children over the age of 6. The oldest one I know was 10 (this was a stranger adoption, not a relative or foster carer). So if that is what you want to do, it should be possible.

@Jellycatspyjamas @onlytherain
I'm a bit confused ; so, is our project unrealistic ? We are not open to fasd or mental handicap, but we truly want to adopt a child over 5 in England. We were thinking that because there wasn't so much prospective adopters for "big" childrens, especially blacks ( i'm from Nigeria] we could get chances

Must we consider to foster instead ? I'm truly lost.

It’s not unrealistic, but in my experience (C&F social worker) it’s unusual to have older children placed for adoption because of the complexities of their needs.

It would be worth speaking to your local authority adoption team to discuss older children because each area will have their own usual practice with regard to children aged 7+, and they can tell you if they have older children coming through the permanency process. Once you’ve been approved for 3 months you’ll have access to the national adoption register where local practice will matter less (because other areas may have older children waiting for placement).

I’d think carefully about your use of language - while adoption can feel like a bit of a slog, we wouldn’t usually think of it as a project, or issues such as abuse as things to be “managed”. We’re talking about the most vulnerable population of children and young people when adopting older children.

A good understanding of trauma, and child development will stand you in good stead particularly in terms of trauma related behaviours and acceptance of a child’s unmet needs. The reality is most children who are placed for adoption will have been exposed to alcohol (and possibly drugs) in the womb and developmental trauma often presents as cognitive, emotional or processing difficulties. “Mentally handicapped” isn’t language we would use for children with those kind of additional support needs.

There are many good reasons for seeking to adopt older children (I was very clear I wanted two older children ie 4+), but older children generally have experienced trauma over a longer period of time and may have had multiple foster placements which mean they need more child centred, attuned care with particular work on attachment style. You need to think about how able you are to meet those differing needs. The adoption assessment process will really help you gain clarity about what you can or can’t accommodate.

@sugarfeather

Ive just gonr back to your other thread.

I think you need to decide what route you want to take, international or adopt here in England.
A lot of your questions will be answered in your training and assessment.
A couple of things, and mindful that your first language is not English, ‘handicap’ is a very outdated term which is not used anymore.
But what do you mean by that? - mental health conditions? learning difficulties? FASD - thats a difficult one - whilst FASD itself may not an issue, alcohol consumption may still have an impact on a child. My son does not not have FASD, but I’m fairly sure alcohol, drugs and smoking have had an impact on him.
My son was nearly 8 when I adopted him, I know several people who adopted over 5s. Its a complex issue but most children if they are going to be adopted have more chance if they are under 5.

@Jellycatspyjamas First, truly sorry if I offended you ; @Ted27 , you're partly right ; to be honest, I grew up between French and English, and spent years in France and Belgium, so sometimes, I can get confused between two languages.
I didn't want to look ableist.

I wanted to say that we're open to learning difficulties (dyslexia, dyspraxia, dyscalculia], but not to Intellectual disability.

Thanks you very much for your quick answers, and reading suggestions.

Now, we are reading and thinking about international adoption and its' issues ; we were maybe idealizing it.

We are also looking for information meeting.

I think you need to consider why you want to adopt and why an older child? There isn’t a right or wrong way but knowing why you are doing something might lead you to more specific questions. This will happen during the adoption process

@sugarfeather I’m not offended at all, I understand you’re working with English as a second language, it’s just helpful to know current terminology- which is an ever shifting thing in my experience.

Thanks you very much

I think much of this would be explored in prep- why dyslexia but not "intellectual disability"- who do you mean by the latter? An IQ<70? And a complete no to FASD? I would suggest that all needs unpacked in terms of what you will know, even with an older child, and how and why and which children end up with a plan for adoption.

Adoption is about finding families for children- children with a wide range of needs. These needs will be greater than a securely attached child's who can be parented in their birth family. I wonder whether you're thinking too much about the child that would fit your family, than thinking about the children, and whether you could rise to meeting their needs?

If you do some reading, and attend some potential adopter evenings etc, I'm sure you'll get a better view. Lots of adopters started where you are- there's lots to learn, and reflect on, and lots to unpack here. A skilled social worker should guide you.

Good luck forming your family.

For now, it's a total no to these special needs, because we can't deal with the prospect of a not fully autonomous adult. It's hard to explain.
But, we are maybe having a misconception about FASD.

We are very careful about our limits, because we read that a lot of adoption failures happen because prospective adopters override their limits.

@ohmustyou thanks you very much for your advices and your kindness.

@sugarfeather2

You are absolutely right to consider what your limitations might be. It's not unreasonable to want a child who will be independent.
But 'independence' can look very different for individual children.

The thing you need to get your head around is the uncertainty of adoption and children's outcomes.
My son has far exceeded everyone's expectations, including mine. I know other young people who on paper had better prospects than him but aren't doing so well.
Adopted children are complex. The teenage years can be very challenging. You just never know what will happen.
So you have to be prepared for anything.

Yes, we are thinking about what we call "autonomy" or "independence".
Get a degree ? A job ? Is it really life's goal ?

The uncertainty is probably the most difficult in adoption and parenting for us. We know we need to work on it.

Similar to Ted our eldest was nearly 8 when we adopted, along with 2 year old sibling. Our 'criteria' was to be able to go to mainstream school and live an independent adult life.
Things like dyslexia often aren't identified until later anyway.