Birth mum on the scene and causing issues

[shapedlikeapear]

Sorry if this is a long one !

Social media has a lot to answer for! When we adopted AD13 7 years ago there was talk of looking out for facebook when they're older. That seems like quaint advice now.

Our AD13 has an older brother ( with an unusual name) in long term fc so it was very easy for her to make contact. He has irregular direct contact with BM but there's a lot of online contact. I've now found out that our daughter has been having regular messages from BM.

There has been a huge change in her behaviour recently so I'm sure it is unsettling her. She has self harmed, stolen and drunk alcohol and been caught vaping 3 times. She doesn't want to live with us anymore as her BM has told her she would let her vape and there's nothing wrong with it. BM has drug & alcohol issues.

AD has been so sad the last couple of days and I've been trying to gently chat to her about it. I thought BM might have disappeared and she was feeling sad about it but when I asked her about it last night she said no, she chats to her all the time and she tells her everything. I didn't react and said it was really good she has someone to confide in. Inside I'm devastated.
The BM who didn't keep her safe is now her refuge and confidante
Who tells her it is fine to vape and is open about drug use. She doesn't even live that far away from us. 20 minute train journey.

Post ad support have asked if I want her to be spoken to and told to stay away. I've said no to that as she would tell my daughter that she has been prevented from contact and I think that would cause more issues.

I'm worried about the influence on an already impressionable girl who wants to push boundaries and I'm even more worried about what will happen when she's a bit older and is able to be more independent.

I'm trying really hard to not make this about me and my feelings of rejection which are there in the background. I need to work out how to protect my increasingly secretive, independent 13 year old.

Any advice?

This situation is a dammed if you do or dammed if you dont. Of course you are going to feel devastated and dont suppress it, why should you. You are not the babysitter you are her mother. Personally i would tell her how you feel, be open and honest with her.. How have youhandled the vaping/alcohol situation. The trouble with her at the mo she just think if she was with birth mother she,d have an easy life where she could do as she pleases, they never see the flip side or the safety aspect.

Has she had life story work? What has post ad support offered? Clearly this is a safeguarding issue.

I would be honest with her and let her know that you are worried. I would try to find a balance between saying her mum could have been a great person had her life gone differently, but that her birth mother is traumatised and not able to put her needs before her own. What is your daughter hoping to get from contact? Does she know? Does she talk about feelings of rejection, belonging, identity, independence?

I would let the vaping go. You cannot stop her and it will only cause conflict. We told our kids to use 0% to not get addicted and they only vaped for a short amount of time. I would also encourage her to think about why she does it. Does she want to fit in? Does she need something to fumble with? Are there alternatives?

Thank you both for your responses, I really appreciate it.

In terms of the vaping and alcohol, I've tried to be understanding as I think it's a combination of pushing boundaries and coping mechanism.

She had a large gin with a splash of tonic and downed it as she has no idea how she's meant to drink it and ended up tipsy. I've also found a lager bottle that she had shared with a friend but I don't think she liked that. I've removed spirits from the house. Her BD died from alcohol abuse and we've talked about the health issues and dangers of addiction. We do have a drink in the house, but she's never seen us tipsy so we don't abstain and I think we model healthy behaviours.

We've talked about healthy coping options and she has a pony so I encourage her to ride a lot so she gets outside and exercises. I think we'd be in a worse position if she didn't have that opportunity.

I like your suggestion about talking to her about how I feel. She's not great with empathy but I think it sinks in eventually.

She remembers her BM as being kind to her and doesn't blame her for not keeping her safe. She idolises the BFam a bit and I think she is very conflicted. She's being pretty cold towards us just now as I think she is just seeing us as babysitters who are keeping her from her real family.

She wouldn't know what she wants from Bm contact but she does like things that are new and novelty so this might just be a bit of that. When she first had contact with younger brother it was very intense and then she just lost interest a bit.

Re the vaping, she said it is a coping mechanism and she is trying to stop. I think if school let her chew gum it would be a way for her to cope with her anxiety, but they wont.

ASF is soooo long winded. We've gone through months of assessments and applications delayed by them moving us to a different authority and now I've got loads more forms to fill out. We first applied in 2021 and are about 3 months away from any actual therapy.

Tbf id not worry about her idolising her birth family, shes a teen and they all like novelties. They imagine in their heads their birth family are like the waltons and everyone else ripped them away. I think its good that you are channelling her into her hobbies, all kids want to do at this age is be an adult they think they will be free to do as they want but have no grasp of accountability or safety. Once they see or experince the reality of their birth parents that urgancy to be with them wears off. Not that you dont want her to have a relationship with her bm but she needs to see the reaity of the stuation.
Is birth mother asking to meet?
Id do some secret research etc so you can give your daughter as much info on her mother. For some its just the curiosity.
Plus id be monitoring what they are saying on the computer. I know it seems like invasion of privacy but you dont want to be in a situation that she runs away.

Its a massively hard time for her and i think the true reality of their adoption hits home when they are teens. The rejection, the unfairness that they are not in the same situation as other kids.

Might sound corney but do some mother and daughter bonding days, shopping, spa days start treating her like you would your adult daughter but showing her there is more to life than drinking or vaping. Im not sure what your views are about makeup but maybe a makeover. It gives you that shared experience and she sees you as not the authority figure all the time. This way she will feel grown up and you can monitor and supervise plus no one wants to be at war with their kids all the time. The constant battle creates a wedge.

Ive a boy and he has started saying about contact with birth family. Ive shown him tv programs about drug abuse and users and the reality of addiction. It has changed his thinking and he is more appreciating of us as parents. I over emphasize the safety aspect and the reasons why bf couldnt keep him safe.

I think we should tell them how you feel because again we are in this and are not guardians, robots or babysitters our feelings matter too. Its a relationship and its not all 1 sided. Obv you dont guilt trip but add points of how it makes you feel like your worries etc. Plus i role play with my boy to make him see outside the box, make him put himself in others shoes or how others would view the situation so its not always coming from you and you are seen as the baddie.

As for outside help i dont find its forthcoming, you sound clued up, so id do my own research online and find tips to help.
Sorry for the long post.

It sounds like you are doing a great job. We let our children try our alcoholic drinks from about age 14/15 to reduce temptation. I used to be extremely strict with coffee, tea and coke though, so they focused on that :-). The pony sounds great.

One of my daughters can be torn and, during fights, has said she wants to leave the family. I respond with "We love you and you are stuck with us. It is legally impossible for you to leave our family." It sounds weird, but it has strengthened both my children's feelings of safety and belonging.

I stress that my children have two real families and that that is nothing unusual (I have two dads) and that they weren't rejected. They were removed because their birth family could not care for them, even though they wanted to. I think that makes it easier in the long run, because it hasn't changed. The birth family still wants them, but still cannot keep them safe.

Have you come across this book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Life-Story-Children-Fostered-Adopted/dp/184905343X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2ZBZ80BNBY9C3&keywords=creative+fostered+adopted&qid=1685101647&sprefix=creative+fostered+adopted%2Caps%2C99&sr=8-1 Do you think she might engage in the activities?

Do you know why ASF takes such a long time? For us it has always been quick. It sounds like your LA/RAA is not on top of things. Could you file a complaint?

@Kite1

I have reported your last post.
You are becoming increasingly abusive

I am truly sorry that you had such difficult experiences but this level of vitriol helps no one

I can’t see where any data protection laws have been broken? Perhaps you should report posts you think have because that would put mumsnet in a tricky position.

I don’t think I’m a saint, but I also know I’m not the devil incarnate either - just a mum trying to parent my kids as best I can. Not looking for praise or glory, also not prepared to be vilified purely for the act of adopting children who needed a new family.

I wonder what you’re getting from posting here @Kite1 because your posts seem to generate more heat than light, and I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve.

@Kite1 I am sorry you are having such a difficult time and I agree with you in some points.

I am very lucky and I do have it all. My children's birth family on the other hand have a very difficult life. That's not my doing though. Life is unfair and I don't judge them.

We all agree here that the best place for children is with their birth families. In some cases that is not save though. And in some of those cases, adoption is the best option. There is evidence for that (outcomes).

My children wanted to be adopted. They are in a save loving family with many opportunities. They weren't brain washed into thinking this, they have memories and scars of the life with their birth family. Their siblings, care leavers, feel cheated out of the better option. They see things differently from you. We are all influenced by our personal experiences.

Please forgive me if this sounds patronising, it is not my intention. I don't think you will be able to resolve anything by posting here. We are adopters and nothing will change that. You can try to make us feel bad, but what will that achieve? Your history is yours alone and you will have to come to terms with it. I hope you find find ways to do that. I wish you all the best.

@Kite1
I have said several times I am sorry for your experienced but I'm afraid you are losing my sympathy with your constant accusations they adopters are grooming and abusing children and making money from them
I will continue to report these posts.

And I disagree with outcomes 1 in 4 adoptees commit suicide many are harmed life long

Do you have a source for this please? I can find figures that say adoptees are more likely to end their own lives but not at a rate of 25%, with the presence of other factors which contribute to suicidality eg early childhood trauma.

strangely one of the criteria for a child to be eligible for adoption is that they have never been married or in a civil partnership why would that be ?

Because marriage or civil partnership is emancipatory, ie it removes duty for parents (birth or adopted) to provide financial and social support for their children and gives the individual legal status as an adult. There’s no great mystery about it.

I guess some people with it all could choose to help the family financially or otherwise so they could improve thier circumstances and remain together

If only poor childcare was just about lack of money.

We do not live in a society where people have equal chances. Many of those who do well, work hard and feel they deserve what they've got. Often they think they are more intelligent, harder working or what have you than others. I disagree with that. Many hard-working people are getting nowhere. To me that is only a small aspect of adoption though. No amount of money would have enabled my children's birth family to parent their children. They suffered so much trauma, that they are unable to put childrens' needs before their own.

You are right that young children aren't mature enough to make important choices. My children's views, now teeangers, have not changed though. I accept that your experience was awful, but my children's isn't. They regularly see birth family members and other people from the past. That is part of my job: holding on tight to the past so there is continuity for my children.

You put the high percentage of mental health problems of adoptees entirely down to their adoption. I would argue a lot of it is down to the abuse and neglect they suffered.

I am very sorry you don't feel you belong to your adoptive family and that you have been cut off from what - in your view - would have felt good and right to you. That is your personal experience though. Some adoptees share your experience. But there also lots of adoptees who don't, who are happy in their adoptive families and who feel they do belong.

I think you are aiming your energy towards the wrong goal. You will not end adoption in this country. It has always existed. Maybe it makes it easier for you to think that all adoptees are suffering like you, but I don't think this believe will help you to resolve your pain. Wishing you all the best.

@Kite1 I am getting increasingly worried and concerned for you.

Up and down the country are support groups for Adoptees, there are Facebook pages. There is Counselling available.

You are getting nowhere by continuously posting on this board and as I suspect under different user names. All you are doing is causing more trauma for yourself. You need someone to give you support in real life.

Us Adopters in the UK are going to the ends of the earth parenting our children. Dealing with huge frustrations at school, getting therapeutic interventions. Many of us suffer child to parent violence every day. We have spent often years going through the process of Assessment, Matching to the child coming to us. Our whole lives revolve around our incredibly traumatised and often very complex needs children. We tell them all.about birth family and do everything we can to maintain Contact with the birth family - where it is safe to do so.

I am again so sorry for what has happened to you. All this negative energy and constant criticisms of us is not healthy.

I am going to contact Mumsnet HQ and ask them to contact you for a welfare check.

Can we ask for peace and love on this thread - we understand it's an emotive topic but we'd ask everyone to remain civil.

@FlissMumsnet

I think the adopters and prospective adopters here have been extremely sympathetic and have tried to be supportive towards this person

Not a single one of us has been even the slightest uncivil in the face of a barrage of accusations that we are steal children, abuse them, groom them, deny them their civil rights, and make money off them.

We do not deserve this and people posting here should not have their requests for information and support constantly derailed by one individual.

Quite frankly your request for peace and love needs to be directed to one person only.
Having said that, like chocapple and I'm sure other posters here, I am concerned for this person and agree that a welfare check would be a good idea.
You cannot allow them to continue to post in the way they have been.

I fully agree with @Ted27, peace and love have been offered in abundance, despite near constant derailing of threads with allegations of stealing children, denying their rights, etc etc. I can’t see where any adopter has been uncivil, instead going out of our way to offer acceptance and understanding to someone determined to vilify all adopters, regardless of the circumstances surrounding adoption.

I can empathise with @Kite1 but it’s honestly wearing pretty thin given they won’t actually engage in discussion beyond calling everyone a liar. I’m not sure what more is expected of us.

Onlytherain like yourself we have always been in touch but with only a couple of birth family members who our child was particular bonded with growing up and during their difficult period with birth mother. Ds is now almost an adult and is seeing her once again. They go out here and there. I can’t say it hasn’t made me nervous but we can only hope he has made a bond with us that he knows he can always trust and and we’ll always be his parents no matter what