My sisters were adopted, but I wasn't. I need some advice.

[Hshru]

Hi everyone 👋

I'm looking for advice. When I was 15, my two half-sisters (on my dad's side) were put into the care system and adopted. I had moved to live with my mum several years before this happened. When I lived with my dad, I cared for the eldest sister (I did everything - from nappy changes to shopping for baby food) until I begged my mum to let me move in with her.

I have created a life for myself, and I'm in a really good place. Now the oldest sister is trying to reach out to me. However, I just don’t think it’s good for me mentally to rebuild this relationship at the moment. I feel terrible for not wanting to write a letter at the moment, but I can’t help my feelings. I cut off my father's side of the family years ago; I didn’t even attend my grandma's funeral. Mentally, this whole topic triggers me. I wouldn’t know what to write, I don’t know how she would feel, and I feel guilty.

My mum said I should reply and I’m being horrible. I don’t know what to do - I don’t want to lie to her and say I want to hear from her. That’s me being untruthful straightaway. I just don’t think my mum understands their adoption's impact on me or why I feel not replying is the best option. I was severely depressed and cried myself to sleep for months.

I did write when they were first adopted and found it very difficult. I promised myself I wouldn’t put myself through that again. I just wondered if anyone has ever faced a similar situation or if you could share some insight as a parent who has adopted.

I hope this all makes sense. I don’t want people to think I’m just being nasty because I’m not. I feel awful about this.

When they were adopted, they were 3 and 7.

I am now 24.

I'm happy to give more info if anyone has any questions. I hope I wrote this in the right place.

Hi @Hshru Hopefully someone more experienced than me will be along with more detailed thoughts shortly. But I didn't want to read and run.

The main thing I wanted to say is you are absolutely not horrible for not feeling up to this. And I don't think anyone with first hand of experience of adoption would think that. I also totally understand why your Mum might feel it doesn't sound like too much just to write. I'm a pretty new adoptive Mum and I would definitely have thought that a few years ago. But experience is everything...

If you feel able to say, how has your half sister reached out to you? Is it via official letterbox contact or social workers? Or has she reached out over social media?

It was in an incredibly difficult situation that was traumatic for you. You were left to parent your sibling, which should have never happened. You say you feel guilty, but clearly none of it was your fault, even though you left. She was your sister, not your child.

If I were you, I would write back and tell her what you have told us. Tell her, their adoption was a huge loss for you, that you still struggle with the emotional impact the experiences during that time have had on you and that these eventually resulted in you cutting off your father's side of your family. Let her know that it took you years to get to the place you are at right now and that you are worried contact at this moment in time might destabilise you.

Make sure, you phrase it in an impersonal way, so it doesn't come across as a personal rejection. This is about your emotional well being. Tell her, you are not ready, but that might change in future. You do not want to start contact and then either be disappointed and destabilised, or be forced to disappoint your sister due to the emotional impact it has on you. This has to be right for both of you. I would tell her that you care about her, that you hope she is happy and that you love her. It sounds as if that is the truth.

You could contact Adoption UK, they might be able to advise you.

Alternatively, you might be able to talk to a social worker who could explain to your sister.

This is along the lines of what I was thinking. Either speaking or writing to her social worker or perhaps her adoptive parents. But that may be tricky if she's making direct contact via social media.

Speaking with Adoption UK is a very good suggestion also.

If they were 3 and 7 when they were adopted it means the older sister is about 16 now? That’s pretty young to be finding their family without support. Was contact made directly or via social work or another agency?

I don’t think you’re horrible for not wanting contact just now, it can be very destabilising and you’re still young yourself. Your sibling may not understand that though so I’d be thinking of how you could explain that through a third party who can help her process your response.

I assumed that you had received a letter via social services. I agree with the others that if your sister has made direct contact, it would be best to make sure she gets support to process your response and hopefully you can get some support too.