I just don’t love them

[Alwaysohard]

I have changed my username for this as I am just so ashamed of myself.
We have four adopted children. The older two have been with us for almost 6 years and the younger two for 4 years.
I just don’t love them. I care deeply and do everything I possibly can for them and will always fight for them but it is definitely out of duty and not love.
We have birth children also whom I love fiercely so I am capable.
I feel in constant guilt ridden turmoil because I can’t make myself feel what I believe I should and my heart genuinely breaks for these four children that should be somebody’s everything.

to qoute a certain someone ”whatever loves means’

what do you really feel is the difference between caring deeply and fighting for them and ‘love’ ? They sound pretty much the same to me.

To be honest you sound a bit overwhelmed, four adopted children, plus birth children. That’s a lot of children, particularly if several have additional needs.

I have a friend whose daughter is going through a severe mental health crisis, she has multiple issues since birth. I know my friend loves her with every fibre of her being. I also know my friend is exhausted, unwell and doesnt know what to do anymore to help her and is pushing her away.

Try and cut yourself a bit of slack and not judge yourself so harshly. Can you try and focus on what you do feel instead of agonising about what it is you think you don’t feel?

What support do you have for the children ?

I’m presuming it’s not always been this way, since you carried on with adopting more children after a couple of years with the first. So what has changed? And what kind of help have you sought out to try and improve the relationship between you and your children? You should be able to access something like DDP through the adoption support fund.

Thank you Ted for not making me feel even worse than I already do, I was expecting to face outrage at my awful admission.
I think one of the problems with having birth children (of a very similar age) is that even though you know you shouldn’t you can’t help but compare. Even though I totally understand why the differences are so huge.
I would really love to share the dynamics of how we came to adopt all of our children but to do so would absolutely out me in real life and I just can’t face that shame.
I am as you rightly said exhausted. Emotionally and physically.
Another thing that hasn’t helped is that I recently had to take my birth children away alone as part of a hobby they have. My husband took the other children to a caravan/beach holiday so nobody felt they had missed out.
It was such a peaceful experience to only have to parent my birth children and not have to constantly have eyes everywhere managing more difficult behaviours. It cemented how truly miserable I have been feeling for such a long time.
Im just venting I guess in a safe place.
Thank you for taking the time to reply.

@Alwaysohard

there is no shame or guilt in enjoying a peaceful week. I used to live for scout camp and I only have one !

Our children are hard work, demanding, sometimes their behaviours get in the way of the relationships.
Its also beneficial for the other children to have some time with you without your attention being elsewhere.
Does your husband know how you feel?

Yes my husband is aware. He is very understanding and supportive actually. He never makes me feel bad about how I feel but then I guess I do that all by myself.

personally I think love is more than warm fuzzy feelings . You care for them.deeply and look after and fight for them. Surely that is love in action.

it Is hard - it is physically and mentally exhausting and they can drag everything from you to have their needs met, if you don’t have another section of your life other than parenting them, then that’s all you come to feel, and boy do you notice it when you have that step away moment
they are different - their needs are different and
you will love your birth children differently, and that love straight from the beginning makes things easier/different for them

Do you think it would help if you had a break more often?
I’m reading between the lines but it sounds like you are the primary carer
Does your husband understand your feelings but think it’s all ok, because you can’t keep that up unless you recharge

Oh OP, this sounds really tough. I wonder how often you are able to get away with individual children as well? We have 2, and on the days that we divide and conquer, it can create a very different atmosphere that feels almost like a holiday! 5 children all at once is a lot to contend with all at once, and they often amplify each others needs. I wonder if you were enabled to take out individual children for short period of time whether those positive feelings might increase because they are getting 1:1 attention?

Think about it this way: I bet their birth mother(s) loved them very much. I imagine almost all birth mothers of adopted children do.

Does that mean they should have stayed with their birth mothers? I doubt it.

So to echo other posters… The kind of love that matters is in our actions and in how you care for these children. It sounds like you’re doing a great job!

@Alwaysohard , I don’t have birth children so I can’t do a comparison, but I would reckon that if you have multiple children, then you - and they - simply can’t be someone’s everything, all the time? But that’s okay, isn’t it, because the ideal is ‘good enough’ rather than perfection?

I have two non-birth related adopted children and my DD1 has driven me to the verge of insanity over the past four years or so with her extreme and anti-social behaviours (she is a teenager). If I’m honest, I have an email saved in my draft box that is addressed to the head of my LA’s head of children’s services that is requesting a Section 20 - and explains in fulsome detail why I am doing so: this email is like my own personal nuclear button - I know I will only send it in extreme circumstances, when my personal line is crossed, but I’m comforted that I have it.

My DD1, as well as being an A-grade *ss, who has single-handedly aged me a good ten years, has various birth family-related disabilities and other disadvantages. Many is the day that I spend wrangling for hours with some authority or other for the help to which she is legally entitled but not given; and then she arrives home off the school bus and erupts like Mount Etna or roundly and verbally or physically abuses me (and her little sister). Parenting her is most often a very thankless task.

So, it turns out that even when you’re dealt the ultimate shitty hand in life (DD is very disabled because of her birth history) that things can get worse. I have spent the best part of the last two weeks on a paediatrics ward with DD1 who apparently has a very rare autoimmune disorder that will affect the rest of her life. I like Ted’s use of the famous Prince Charles quote that seemed so callous then but makes a lot of sense to me now. My relationship with DD1 is far from perfect and it may not withstand the next few years, but I have shown my ‘love’ for my DD by sticking by her during her very worst of times. Adoptive children bring with them the trauma legacy of their birth families but we do our very best to stand alongside them and to try not to fail them.

@EmmatheStageRat i am so sorry to hear about your daughter. Thinking of you and your family.

@Alwaysohard I think you sound exhausted. I have both birth a birth child and adopted child and I can say it’s not the same. My birth child is securely attached, not traumatised and we’ve known each other since her birth (and some could argue before). Our relationship has developed over the years and well, it’s been easy. With my adopted child, we’ve had to work through the trauma, build up attachment and get to know each other. It’s tough. It hasn’t been naturally occurring like with my birth child but as a result of hard work. Both are ongoing work in terms of relationships but the starting point is so different. Hope things feel better

Regular poster here but NC.

Many Adopters and adoptees would not agree with this statement.

How can you love your child if you say..
leave them on their own, dont give them.food, leave them.in soiled nappies for hours/days, inject drugs in front of them, physically/sexually abuse them, nearly kill them.

This is NOT love.

@ababababa that sort of my point!!!

@Alwaysohard I think it's very brave of you to recognise and admit your feelings here - you've clearly got your hands very full with 4 children who are adopted, with all that entails, and birth children.

Love comes in very many forms, the warm, fuzzy, idealistic feelings (that birth parents have for their children despite not being able to care for them), the active caring, watching for, meeting their needs kind of love, the companionship and care we have for friends, the desire we have for our partners etc etc. Duty is another kind of love, we do what we need to do because we care and made a commitment to our kids.

I'm not surprised taking your birth children away felt like a relief, even just lessening the number of people making demands on your time and attention is a relief of sorts, because you can attend to one set of needs at a time instead of trying to spread yourself too thinly. When you have multiple children, all with challenging behaviours and competing needs it can be hard to find "love" for each of them because you're so busy dealing with the present issue you can't take the headspace to find connection and connection breeds love.

Try not to feel guilty, no-one can be anyone's everything - if that's the goal you're setting yourself in terms of love, it's too high a bar. We need different things from different people at different times, and so do your children. They may need you to do what they need practically at the moment, and that is a kind of love in action, as another poster said. At other times they will need care, compassion, comfort, affection etc etc and that's another kind of love.

I wonder where you get your needs met? Where is your time to connect with family and friends without the stress of children in the mix, where is the time for you to rest and recover from the demands of caring for such a large family, where is your time to do whatever feeds your soul? Without that, how can you possibly offer love to these little people, you literally can't pour from an empty cup - and you sound physically and emotionally depleted.

On a very human level, we connect differently too, I loved my little boy from the moment I met him - he was very easy to love, cute, affectionate and easy going. With my DD it took much longer, she wasn't so easy to love, very demanding, challenging behaviour and at times a hard personality, but love did come as I grew to understand her and her way of being in relationship. But I needed lots of time for my own growth before I got there.

I hope you're doing OK, go gently with yourself, you're doing an incredibly hard thing.

OP, I don't have birth children but I have two adopted. One I feel like I love but the other I have struggled with. I don't think it's because they are adopted though, more that they have lots of issues that trigger my annoyance.

I spent a long time feeling empty and terrible. Then we had some bad news about a condition they have. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I was up the school pushing and pushing, I was pushing social services for therapy etc.

I realised then that although I don't have this happy glow of love, I DO indeed love them fiercely, otherwise I would not have become the lioness.

Love happens in different ways.

I am so sorry you are feeling so low . I am an adopter of 4 now adult children . Our second siblings were placed through an agency ,now closes down,called Parents for children .during our assessment and matching it was stressed how our children needed people to be parents to them (they had had 8 moves before becomjng part of our family) that often "parenting " was a role that meant we provided for them, ,advocated,for them, ensured they were able to access things they enjoyed eg sports/drama etc and played and enjoyed them and that love would come but might take time. With our youngest that "falling in love" came after 2/3 years. With our third it has been harder -he was older and just about to go into y3 he had not wanted to be adopted and had wanted to stay in his home town . He didnt want us a a mum and dad but needed permancy and people who would care for and support him. He left home aged 23 . And returned to his home down. Even now I am not sure if he wants our love . He can treat us a "providers,rescuers,people who he is connected to etc" . He was "easier " to parent than our older to. But harder to get close to. As Ted said make sure you have time to feed your soul. Spend time with friends. Enjoy walks . Eat heathily. I was fortunate that i am in a job that makes a difference to peoples lives and often I am thanked by those i work with 3 out of 4 acknowledge us as mum and dad and recognise and respond to our love. Maybe for our other child we have been "good enough " parents but they need to want to be loved as well as us loving them

Don’t know whether this will help, we like you have birth children and adopted 6, all separately.The fourth one I did not feel the same as the others. When he was 5 he landed up in hospital very poorly. In the early hours he needed brain surgery 3rd time in 10 days. I suddenly realised he might die and I knew I did love him so much. Fortunately he survived! Wouldn’t wish this on anyone but the fact you care is love in buckets. Good luck!

Hi OP. I just wanted to say you're not alone in your feelings, I have adopted & birth children. The adopted children being the oldest. All I knew for many years was the relationship with the adopted children, and it was very hard work. Emotionally. Fast forward to birth children and I have felt everything you describe. The time being nice when it is the birth children, just 'easier' (the maddening thing is the adopted children are so much easier on paper as they are compliant) but there is a difference. It has taken my a lot longer than I'd ever care to admit in real life for the love to grow for the adopted children and a shed load of therapy and hard work over the years. I am just now at a point where I feel I love them all 'equally' but my love for them is always different. The behaviours of my adopted children trigger me significantly more. A bit of a waffling post with no real advice at all but just to let you know your feelings are valid and I have felt them all.

I just want to thank every single one of you for taking the time to not only reply but to understand. So much of what has been written resonates with me.
I am holding on hard to the ‘love in action’ as I do believe this is me.
I am super lucky as I have an incredibly supportive husband and lots of me time when the children are at school.
School are also very helpful and always back me up with any issues that the children have.
I have organised counselling for myself privately with someone that has lots of experience with adoptive families (the wait was long through the LA).
Honestly you have all helped me feel more normalised if that is the correct way of putting it and not so hateful towards myself.
I definitely feel able to come forward again for help/advice.
thank you