So bored of tantrums how to regulate.

[Offensiveapprently]

My little boy is six, very active and busy, bright and funny buy just can't regulate his temper. School have said he is great in structured lessons but he can let it all out when he is at home. I won't tolerate being spoken to like shit he is constantly irritable and annoyed and can fly off he handle at next to nothing. Therapeutic SW says that it's imortant to valiate his feelings and co regulate with him but to be honest I'm not going to sit there validating his feelings while he is coming at me all teeth, fists and feet. Similarly I am supposed to leave him sat in his room and sit outside he door letting him know I'm there but I'm not willing to do this when he is trashing him room and breaking things. We read social stories and talk about feelings afterwards. I don't shout but am very firm in saying what is acceptable and what isn't.
Anyone got any tips, he has a tantrum over anything, it's just tedious and I'm losing sympathy 😔. I offer him comfort but just want the situation to stop.

Hiya
I could have written this word for word about my little boy last year and he is now 7.
He has play therapy which works very well in learning how to control feelings and anger as his default option is anger.
We do alot of work on feelings so each colour represents a feeling. Going through with him the right feeling to match the scenario is another thing we do.
Maybe find a sport ie boxing karate where he can channel his anger in a controlled environment with also learning discipline.
We have also taught techniques when he's angry like taking breaths correctly, using fists and fingers to control it, doing something high energy immediately ie star jumps.
It's very hard as we have to put our feelings to the side and I have thought that at times if he was not our child but a grown man I was in a relationship with I would never let it happen or be spoken to like you said.
I found ways of also dealing with my feelings trying not to let it get the better of me as my child feeds off this and the situation is much worse.
I'm not sure how he is at school? But if you can find out if they do Lego therapy it's very good at the emotional and feeling too.
I would also ask SW to look at post adoption and getting some therapy through them too.
It's important to validate his feelings but explain that the way he reacts is not the right way.
I think with us we have just reiterated the same words / techniques over and over and over so it sinks in really.
The therapist has helped the most though.

Best of luck.

I recently got my daughter a mood wristband which she can use to show clearly how she is feeling, just from amazon, might help? just as a link to work through when they want to engage and when they are not in the mood to engage? We also have emotions boards again from amazon, to help them show visually their emotions, maybe useful? We also worked together on finding books on anger etc from the library, this helped as looking for a resolution together, and reading them together snuggled in bed, theres a lot of kids books on the science of anger, why we rage etc. I also did NVR training recently, really useful may be worth doing, we did it online. My youngest daughter does yoga with me, thats been amazing for helping her know that using your breath to calm yourself down is good, thats been really helpful for regulation, so you could try yoga together, maybe cosmic yoga on youtube is a good place? When starting to disregulate I hold her and I say take your breaths and its quite normalised for her now and does help even when shes in that wild place, so I dont think it would be a quick fix but a slow thing that has its benefits long term. Also find some of Sarah Naish books useful like William Wobbly especially.
I dont know if any of this would help, it sounds so hard and hope it might help. Trying to think of anything that might help but kind of imagine youve tired it all! humm, Having a complete routine so they know whats happening, giving them a choice of two options when its small things, like tshirt choice or socks, so they get the feeling they have control, doing play therapy together to keep on with that attachment, doing things you both enjoy together for fun whatever that might be to keep that attachment, having a definite list of family rules very clear , maybe even visual rather that written, making sure they never get hanger such as always having high value snack like crisps or chocolate on school pick up, watch movies together, oo good one is inside out, have you watched that? all about emotions?
Sorry, just throwing ideas in that we do apologies if no help. If not, try NVR? I think its a huge help to know your not alone so adoption support groups or adoption uk meet ups may be good for your own wellbeing?

O that Bing episode of putting your anger in a cloud was helpful for us, the tea party one, shows how the feeling is fine but you need to act on it in an ok way.

It sounds like your little boy is masking in school and just doesn't have the energy anymore at home. He is exhausted and frightened and feels overwhelmed and out of control. Have you tried hugging him when he is furious and told him you love him? Sometimes that works.

His behaviour of course is communication. I would read a lot of books about different feelings with him, so he can identify his feelings. Anger is a secondary emotion, so there is something underneath, most likely fear. De-escalate and distract whenever possible. Go to a park after school or let him bounce on a trampoline, so he can reduce his cortisol levels. I tried techniques with my daughter like ripping paper, popping a balloon, punching a cushion; some people find that helpful.

Sarah Naish's "The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting" is an excellent book when it comes to understanding behaviours and how to react. Is he in therapy? His level of aggression is not age appropriate. Play therapy or a creative therapy might help. I would push for support now, because things might become very difficult once he gets older.

We made another phone call to his SW today. To be honest I don't feel much like hugging when he is hurting me. Always happy to hug before or after, I tell him I love him aaaaaalllllll the time and he is very loving back which is good.
His SW has mentioned therapy which I've agreed to. He is just an angry little cloud at the moment!

I never felt like hugging when my daughter was aggressive either (I think nobody does). But it helped her. She felt horrible about herself in those moments. Hugging helped her to feel contained, and hearing that I loved her helped her to feel better about herself and to feel safe. Separating the child from the behaviour helped too ("I still love you, I just don't like your behaviour").

I sometimes call my daughter "dark little cloud" when she is angry :-).

Many children struggle due to trauma they have suffered and in reality this could go on for years and probably not what you want to here. Sometimes adopters have to change their mindset that this may happen for a long time. It is not easy when our children continue to lash out and hurt us.it is hard to continually be a therapeutic parent.
Maybe some life story work would help. Ask for course on NVR ( non violent resistant ) which cover strategies to use when a child is angry.
Remember it is not their fault , ( difficult when you are being hurt)you ( hopefully)know your child's back story and they are hurting inside.
Good luck

@Offensiveapprently I could have written this word for word. It is exhausting, we are finding home so challenging right now, little things seem to set him off but mainly linked to transitions. It's not difficult being therapeutic the first time but gosh by the end of the day it is hard to still be therapeutic when things are thrown at you, your spat at etc. starts to erode your self esteem just like in an unhealthy adult relationship. Some days we have nothing, but some days are a real challenge. Not sure it helps but know you're not alone.

We have been there (still am!). Transition at school are particularly challenging so we have had a huge increase in trauma behaviour. I’m exhausted too. As the years pass, my window of tolerance is narrowing. I think it feels more link the progress we made all year is eroded back in a few short days and it’s so disheartening.

things that I found help are:
let the little things go eg if it’s not dangerous, completely disrespectful (to the point it’s harming relationships) now isn’t the time to deal with it.
lots of regulation activities eg repetitive physical activities such as cycling, walking, swimming, calming activities eg music, water play, messy play.
reduce social situations eg play dates days out, after school clubs
forget a clean house, it can wait
self care
working on my own regulation
when having a hard day, having someone on hand to take ever to give me a break. I have a partner so we build on one to one time with child and time to ourselves throughout the day as much as possible.
taking time off work to focus on child, I cant burn the candle at both ends and I know work will always be there.
get support from everyone

I hope some of this helps. It might not be relevant but I try and do it. It helps a little when things are so overwhelming.