I am struggling

[Rainallnight]

I’ll come back and write this properly when I’m less tired and upset. But I just need to get out that I’m struggling. We have tried to parent therapeutically, using lots of empathy and validation of feelings. I feel right now that it’s meant we’ve wound up with two kids who treat me like shit and threaten to ‘scream in your face again if you don’t give me my milk’.

FML. It’s been a pretty dark evening. I love them so much and sometimes it’s great but I am really struggling right now.

Thinking of you. I don’t know what to say, but I have been there and I know how hard it is when you question whether you’ve got the strength to keep going. I’ve no advice but you are not alone

@Rainallnight

you sound very tired. We all struggle at times, it can be so very hard, particularly when there is more than one of them.

how old are they ?

Thank you @Ted27 I am very tired. I think I might have coped better/differently another day. Though this morning they were fighting and I shouted so loudly I hurt my throat. I feel dreadful about it.

We have two DC - nearly 7 and nearly 5. The older one has always been challenging - I’ve posted about her before. Now the five year old is copying her in terms of oppositional behaviour.

DD keeps it together for everyone else and takes it all out on me. I cope pretty well most of the time - and we do have good times too, of course - but sometimes I just hit a wall and become very affected by it.

She’s been quite violent towards me in the past and I think I get very ‘triggered’ around that, as the young people say.

I think maybe I should do some some counselling so that I can work all of this through with someone. I wonder if there are any counsellors that specialise in parents of adoptive children?

I think you know what to do. I think you need to work on your own regulation and how you deal with stress. It’s completely healthy to be triggered if you have been subject to violence in the past. It can lead to your own trauma. I think you need a safe space to process that. I think you need to become more self aware of when things are becoming too much and have a plan in place. Can a partner or friend take over for a bit? Do you have time to yourself? When you become overwhelmed, is there a place you can go to to take control again? I think you really need to think about these now you have identified them. When I was in that place, I took time off work. Can you do the same? If you are already off, can you employ a cleaner or something else to share the load? It sounds like you are burnt out and need some strategies.

i know this sounds so overwhelming but you’ve got this. Take some time to think about what you need and the rest will follow. You are the strength holding it all together, how do you get your strength?

I have two with the same age gap, it’s hard work and you do sound exhausted. I’ll have a think and write more when I have time but

Though this morning they were fighting and I shouted so loudly I hurt my throat. I feel dreadful about it.

Try to give yourself a break, you reached your limit - so now you know what that limit looks like (and so do your kids). Think about rupture and repair and how you can repair your side of things. And how you talk to your kids about how they repair their relationships.

Therapeutic parenting isn’t about not setting boundaries, or never communicating to a child their behaviour is unacceptable, it’s about maintaining and building connection while setting boundaries, because boundaries are important in life. It’s a tricky balance to strike and tiring but empathy and validation will only get you so far.

Try to get some rest, and revisit things when you’re less worn out - if there is such a time.

Could you make a conscious effort to praise them whenever you can, even for the smallest things, to get more positivity in? My children responded really well to rewards charts. We wrote down 8 or 9 things, 3 or 4 of which they always got right anyway. So there were always positives mentioned and they knew what was important for us and worked towards that. It helped a lot. I am aware that lots of adopted children struggle with rewards charts, but for us they worked really well.

In tought situations, could you take turns with your husband, as in you deal with it for 10 minutes and then your husband takes over when you are both around?

Have you contacted post-adoption support? You can get therapy not just for the kids but also for you as parents funded via the ASF.

No advice but just wanted to say I hear you. It’s bloody tough and I’m struggling too. You’re doing your best and it’s okay to be human.