Did you have experience adopting as single woman?

[ouaui]

I have always been thinking about it and spoke to someone who adopted twins in the US. Did you have experience with it in the UK? What's the process, how long it takes?
Also.. how is it really with 'choosing' the child? I would like to adopt a 5yo+, I know it's less popular but have my reasons. How do you get to know the child and how do they get to know you?

Hi @ouaui

I’m a single adopter, I was approved under a previous system but in England its a now a 2 stage process. The first is a lot of paperwork - your finances, taking up referees, medicals etc. The second is your assessment with your social worker. You will also do a prep course - usually run over three/four evenings or days. I think the timescale is about 9 months but this is guidelines. Its not uncommon for there to be delays. Matching with a child is a separate process - some people are matched quickly, for others it can take a several months or longer.
As part of the process every adopter is asked to think about their parameters or matching criteria. So its perfectly fine to prefer an older child. I adopted an older child - I don’t much like babies and given the huge costs of childcare it made sense to have a child at school. In my head I was probably thinking 5 but the child I ended up with was 8. He was the right child for me so in the end his age didnt really matter to me.
Most adopted children have some level of additional needs, some will be very complex and challenging so its important to have a good idea of what you can handle. Having said that, the younger the child, the more uncertainty as many needs don’t become apparent until a child starts nursery or school.
Things you should be thinking about include

• finances, how will you fund adoption leave? What happens if your child’s needs mean you can’t return to work full time.
• how flexible is your job - could you go part time if you had to, do you have flexible hours
• childcare - you will have to cover 13 weeks school holidays, plus inset days, random days like snow days, strikes, plus if your child is ill
• support network, think about different scenarios where you might need help or support. Its important to have both practical and emotional support
• your home -do you have room for a child? is your home situation stable and secure

You should also research the reasons why children are in care in the UK, and conditions such as ASD, ADHD, FAS, attachment disorders, PTSD, trauma, development delay and developmental trauma.

that should get you started !

I am a single adopter. My child was also over 5 years old, for much the same reasons as Ted.

During the assessment process, you work through with your social worker all your parameters; the age range you feel most comfortable with and why, the life experiences you have had and how they might fit with certain types of need presented by a child - for example, I was fairly confident I would cope with a child with hearing or speech difficulties, but had no experience of children with sight problems. All that information goes forward to help you, your social worker and matching panel agree on a placement - but you need to accept that it is about finding the right family for a child, not the other way round.

My child arrived many years ago and things may have changed since then but for us, introductions were just over a week long (originally planned for longer but it was changed mid way). I spent time with the child at their Foster Carers, then slowly the Foster Carer 'backed off'. Things then moved to my house with the Foster Carer bringing the child initially and the time then building up so the child and I practised all parts of the daily routine before the final move was made.

My list of things to think about would be:

• consider the possibility you may never be able to return to work
• be clear with your boundaries/expectations because even with an older child at placement whilst many of their needs may be known, there is no guarantee any of those needs will have been met
• education often seems to be an area where children can fall through the net; educate yourself on the system and the rights for children with Special Educational Needs
• as you follow your journey towards adoption, educate those around you so they are more in step with you when you reach placement and need their support

Being a single adopter can be a lonely journey at times; many people don't understand the difference between being a 'single' parent and being a 'lone' parent. There are many adoption support groups nowadays. Build relationships in those while you can. I set a lot of store by the old adage, 'it takes a village to raise a child'.

thank you! I love the 'about finding the right family for a child, not the other way round'. I will come back with questions in the future, thank you for sharing this