Waiting for Placement coping mechanisms

[Arnie1980]

Hi all, the BM has applied for permission for leave to revoke placement order. We have been approved at matching panel. The first hearing was done 2 weeks ago, they are now looking to book in the second hearing where statements will be reviewed and a decision made, this looks like June at some point. We are struggling with the waiting game as we are concerned that we will never meet our LO. Have any of you been through this and how did you cope with the waiting game. We don’t want to give up as we can’t imagine not having the LO with us as we are so invested.

all you can do is keep busy.
I had lots of delays throughout the whole process - I just filled my time, did stuff in the house and garden, went to the theatre, cinema, gigs, decided to run a 5k so trained for that, went on a ‘last’ holiday - several times.
Just enjoy doing all the stuff you won’t be able to do with a child in tow.
Good luck

100% agree with @Ted27 - we ummed and ahhed but booked a last minute getaway before placement and it was the best thing we did. Kept us going through some long nights of the soul.

Binge watch anything you couldn't watch with kids, see friends and family that you wouldn't normally, prep your house and garden so that it is future proof (If I
were adopting in summer I might sort out a watering system for my pots for example). You could also do some extra research into stuff available for you and LO to do- when my brain was mush in the first but of placement I was glad I had sketched out a rough weekly plan of stay and plays and soft plays prior to that because it meant I wasn't researching it when I was incredibly tired.

Could you ask for you to be sent regular photos or videos of LO by social workers or foster carers as part of concurrent planning?

I know its hard, but it means that LO is very much wanted, which is a good thing to be able to explain to them in the long run.

The time will both drag and fly by, just try to keep reminding sw that you want to be as prepared as you can and that you want things to start moving immediately after the case is resolved and what can you or they prepare for things to get going straight after it has been resolved. We kept reminding people that we had expressed x weeks ago and that we were "keen to avoid any further delays to their permanent placement" etc.

It's my first time posting but I really feel for you after my experience of a very delayed match, for us we had a seven month delay due mainly to legal issues.

I would agree with Ted27 and Torvy about doing the things now that you can't with a child, I did lots of long walks, day trips and evenings out. I would also advise getting your house as ready as possible and getting jobs done- I've just finished painting the outhouse over several evenings in the 30min window between LO going to sleep and the sun setting, why didn't I just do it before!?

I know this might not be suitable for everyone due to circumstances, mental wellbeing and what job you do but I picked up massive amounts of overtime and extra on-calls. This kept me busy and really helped financially with Adoption Leave.

I know you haven't met LO which is hard but I had two extra 'bump in-to' agreed on top of the initial one, both were all day with LO and foster carer at their house just spending the day together. On the last one foster carer went out to the supermarket and left me alone with LO which I'm sure shouldn't have happened but was lovely. This was all before matching panel. I also had foster carer's number and we frequently exchanged pics and updates which made such a difference and really aided introductions. I appreciate my case was probably unusual but it's worth raising with your and LO's SWs

As Torvy said I can confidently say to LO that they were very much wanted and I longed to be with them for the many months between the link and placement. They were quite solidly in the 'hard to place' category so I think it's important for them to know how much they were wanted and that the wait was worth it, they were never a second choice or last resort (not sure I've worded that last bit well but I hope what I mean comes across).

Thanks so much. We can’t do any contact at all or even link in with foster carer even though we are matched and approved at panel. We have been advised that the next hearing will next month so hopefully things may progress or drag on. This is the hearing where judge makes the decision on permission to appeal. If they don’t get leave we need to wait for the appeal period for high court to end. They could still appeal to high court but it will all be worth it when we meet.

We had a six month delay which I think of as the longest six months of my life! It's really tough so I feel for you.
Lots of great advice above.
I'd recommend lots of evenings out - nice meals or theatre, whatever you are into as once the match happens those become a distant memory!! Keep busy with things you enjoy and seeing supportive friends and family.
I wish I'd done more reading around things like parenting children who have experienced trauma so maybe that's something you could do if you haven't already.