When will if get better

[GracieHC]

We are a month into placement with a LO who is doing pretty terrific all things considered.
It’s my partner and I who are struggling really.
Whilst things have gotten easier over the last few weeks they have not gotten ‘better’.
I think we are both pinning our hopes on that happening when the love comes.
So I guess I am asking when will that happen?
I’m starting to get really scared that it won’t as shouldn’t it have happened by now?
We like her but really that is all right now.

Hey, congrats on your LO! Pleased she's settling!

Not an adopter but a very close pal is and she called me 3 weeks into her DS being placed with her, "he is beautiful, he is loving, he doesn't feel like mine".
Well, he was then, as your LO is now, essentially a stranger.
You've not got to love her right now, it's only been a month!
And your world must feel so chaotic with changes etc, you're probably scraping by each day without realising you are falling in love.
Please don't put all this on yourself, 4 weeks is nothing.
You are doing incredible and learning to parent a LO who has been through so much already, it must be a whole new world to navigate.
Take each day as it comes, Rome wasn't built in a day!
My friend now has the most beautiful relationship with her DS, he's the absolute love of her life, (honestly he's the love of mine, I think I like him more than at least 2 of my kids!) And those early days are just survival.
You don't go on a date with someone and expect 4 weeks later you'll be getting engaged, treat this the same way.
I know it's easy for me as a birth mum to say, but I can tell you as someone who's fostered, has had DC and supported friends through adoption, that what you're saying is normal.
I've read every single post on this thread and there are adopters who will be here shortly to tell you they felt exactly as you do.
But 4 weeks in, liking her is magnificent.
4 weeks from now, you'll like her more.
One day, you'll pop the shop and miss her.
One day, you'll realise you and you other half, you'd feel empty without her there.

Please take pressure of yourself, advise yourself as you would a friend with this, with logic and kindness.

The adopters who've got this experience will definitely give you insight to their feelings but I didn't want to read and run, especially after my pal felt so similar.

Enjoy getting to know her slowly and just lots of cuddles!
And congratulations again 💐💗

Hi OP.

The early days are so weird! And a month is nothing really. However much reading and training you do, I don't think it's possible to be prepared for how your life has changed.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not feeling like you love her yet. It is so early days for you all! Please don't worry about that - there's no need to put pressure on yourself to love your LO, it will happen when it does.

Congratulations on your LO! 💐

Yep as pp said a month is nothing,your love will come later that's totally normal and it will all take time to build,doing a million things together over the months will build that attachment.you really are just in the survival time like you would be with a newborn it's an insane life adjustment and just do as your doing repeat repeat repeat and in time the love will grow.
Adoption UK has an early days meet up on zoom you could try so you can chat to others going through it.its so so so hard but worth it in the end.good luck!

It took at least 3 months for me, and tbh more like a year with our eldest.
The first time they are ill might help.

Can you take your little one to the pool yet? Swimming(well walking in water holding baby/child) skin to skin may help.

Take lots of photos. Looking at photos is a good way to help I think, cement the bonding.

I am sure the love will come.

Hang on in there.

Yes lots of skin to skin,I bathed with DD for maybe her first 6 months here,go swimming routinely as soon as your coming out of cocooning,but cocoon as much as you can.lots of watch cebebbies snuggled on the sofa,bluey is great!

A month is no time at all, I'd not even finished unpacking by then.

I think you probably need to lower your expectations a bit and take some pressure off yourself.
You are all still in shock mode, finding your new 'normal" takes time. I'd say liking her is a good start.
But have you tried telling her you love her?
My son told me he loved me on day 2 of intros, I said it back. Of course we didn't mean it, we'd spent about three hours together. But he thought it was what I wanted to hear, I knew he needed to hear it back.
So we both said it, a lot, particularly at bedtime- I love you more than I did yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow.
And one day we meant it, not even sure when. But something will happen, they do something cute or fall over and graze a knee and howl their head off, and you will feel that emotion.
Just enjoy building your family and it will come.

What the others said! Some little things that might help along the way:

• tell them the things they do / have that you like / love. Be very specific even if they’re too little to understand - the words are for you as much as them, such as ‘I love your brown eyes’ or ‘I love how you coloured this picture’. Try and do this before bedtime as it’s surprisingly calming for some children (and grounding for adults after a long day)
• find the most adorable photo of them, print it and stick it up wherever you go for your 5 minutes’ peace, so it reminds you of their most appealing moments
• swimming, bathing or rubbing in lotion very slowly - gentle skin contact, if they can tolerate it. If they aren’t ready, Caro Archer “parenting the child who hurts” has other ideas

Try and keep your expectations small - it’s exhausting but it’s still so, so early.

Whilst things have gotten easier over the last few weeks they have not gotten ‘better’.

Other people have answered the question about love, so I’m going to ask what you mean by “better”, can you quantify that in some way or say what you’d like to be better? Some things do become easier or better with love, some things need a bit of strategy or planning, it’s worth knowing what “better” means for you.

Oh the love comes! For me it happened after a few months. Especially after LAC reviews and needing to advocate for him. I was in this position of needing to speak up for him against some pretty shit stuff that was happening with his BM and former FC. Before hand, we felt like we liked him and we knew we had to look after him, but then LAC review and court problems really pushed the whole ‘wow, I love this boy, I will fight tooth and nail to make sure he is safe, thriving and gets what he needs.’ Now we are 2 years on and it’s hard to even really remember ever why we questioned it! It will come!

Thank you for all your kind replies. It has been mentioned by my nearest and dearest that I am perhaps putting too much pressure on myself and I think there is a chance I have a tad of post adoption depression. I’m also struggling to sleep a little which doesn’t help either.
@Jellycatspyjamas by better I think I meant when am I going to find some joy in it. I don’t expect to love every second but just to not go to bed feeling like I have another day at a job I don’t like where I don’t even have the weekends off.

Have you got a routine yet? It really helps to take the pressure off. During the holidays we did meal, park, meal, park, meal, bed every day, which meant everyone knew the plan, the children developed a sense of safety and there was "entertainment". Try to create structures and routines as much as possible, so you have enough energy for the things that actually need it and so you get some rest.

Like @Ted27, we often told each other that we loved each other and also had a special saying at night that mentioned how much we love each other. You could also have a look at Nancy Tillman's books (if your child is old enough).

There is a book called "Post-Adoption Blues", which has good reviews. Maybe that's helpful?

Ah I think joy can be a hard one. Everyone expects you to be thrilled to finally have your child, they tell you to enjoy them etc. And then you have a very scared child for whom everything has changed, a stranger to you that you quickly need to attune to while everything in your world has changed too. And there’s so much drudgery, the basic feeding, cleaning and laundry (literally never ending in my case).

That move from being and independent, career focussed woman to needing to plan the smallest thing round children was a hard adjustment for me. Joyful isn’t how I would describe it.

What helped me was planning in downtime for me and the kids, time to rest even if that meant watching Frozen every day for a month. I would also watch them sleeping - they were still and quiet and vulnerable which helped remind me that they needed me to be their mum. I’d find things I knew they would love - watching them have pleasure helped me find pleasure in them, it also gave a counterpoint to the drudgery.

I remember being in the kitchen making dinner while they played a game with their dad laughing and giggling and realised I was happy. Give yourself time, you’re going through a huge adjustment.

When my son came home he was obsessed with the game Frustration. We played it for hours, every single day.
My first moment of joy was when he went to school- and I missed him.
To be fair I think every parent finds it all a bit of a grind at times, you are allmaking a huge adjustment in your lives.
I agree getting into a routine quickly will help.
Also don't worry too much about housework, the important thing is focusing on building your relationship.

I have always gone by the philosophy that as long as there isn't anything growing in the bathroom and kitchen it's OK.
We were having a conversation in work a few months ago about the random things people collected. I said dust.
Dusting can always wait. Feeding the ducks is far more important.

Yep,don't put pressure on yourself,no new mum finds it easy,you have to let it all go and just focus on the most important thing, snuggles I'd say?give up all expectations of a clean house,rest when they rest,dance together,enjoy cebebbies (bluey) and know this is hard.do see your GP of would like antidepressants, do prioritise your own rest and excersise,I know it's impossible but even getting a bath together and doing excersise together (kitchen dancing,cosmic yoga,Andy's workouts,buggy running etc) will be good for you both.yes get some Nancy tilman books,it's time to sleep my love is my favourite!