DC’s sibling has been born

[Rainallnight]

We have two DCs, adopted, who are birth siblings. They are children 6 and 7 of BM. Today we got a dead casual email out of the blue to say a sibling has been born and would we like to consider adopting?

I’m so cross it wasn’t even a phone call, though I know I’m focusing on the wrong issue.

I really don’t want to adopt him/her. We are old. We have our hands full. I’m enjoying being past the potty and buggy stage. A few other big things in life have happened in recent years that I need to process (I think I need therapy), and our relationship is ok but has its fair share of cracks after the past few years. And we know zero about this baby so far but from what we know, things have gone from
Bad to worse with BM and in utero experiences are likely to be negative.

DP is leaning towards it. Thinks we can afford it, has always wanted a third, and worries how we’d explain to existing DC that we passed their little sibling up. I think being able to focus on our current DC is the best thing we can do for them.

DP wants to keep the news private for now hence my pouring my heart out here!

all thoughts welcome.

You don’t have to explain it to your dc. When the time is right they can find out they have another sibling or siblings. You don’t need to apologise or explain why you didn’t adopt, you just say you didn’t and that’s all there is to it.

There could be more siblings in future… at what point would you stop adopting?

I would definitely say stick with your two, it’s fairer on all the kids in the long term

Thank you so much. I agree with you. And I think the kids would be fine with not having the sibling in our family.

I like the thought about being fair to all the kids in the long run.

I'm hoping this is just a thought process DP needs to go through before she comes to the natural conclusion that it’s a bad idea!

We have one adopted D.C. and when another came along we said no. It was definitely the right decision for us but I would say that it’s really hard explaining to my D.C. why we didn’t take their sibling. I think it’s probably easier to do if you already have two though, not a single child who says they want a sibling….
Best of luck with your decision.

How old is the BM? Will you take another if she has one next year?
Don't be hard on yourself.

I think many of us are put in this position. I was asked to take a two year old half sibling a couple of years ago. There would have been 15 years age difference with my son.
It was a resounding no for many reasons.
There will be a family out there for this one.
And of course birth mum may not be done with babies yet, you can’t take them all.
The biggest reason to say no though is that you are not on the same page on this.

This is the second time we got ‘the call’. The first seemed more straightforward because we’d always thought we’d have two DC. Three was never the plan plus all of the reasons in the OP.

BM is in her early forties. It’s just so tragic this keeps happening.

DP is coming round to my way of thinking, I think.

I think you have every right to say no, for whatever reason. As you say you have passed that point and are wanting to start on a different part of your journey together.

Have you reached out for post adoption support in regards to the counselling? Our SW does keep pushing it to me ( difficult parent relationships for me growing up)