What do you wish you’d known about adoption?

[Showmethefood]

Hi all,

I Have always been interested and felt pulled to adoption. However, I think I have a romanticised view on it. The thought of being able to give a child a better life and to love them etc - but I’m sure it’s so so hard too.
Would you please be able to help me understand your experiences of adoption. Was there anything in particular that came as a surprise to you? Was it different from how you imagined it to be? What’s been the most difficult thing? What was your relationship like with your adopted child at the beginning - was it great from the start, or did it start off rocky?

Thank you

If you want to understand the reality of adoption look through the past posts here and on adoption uk forum.

That will give you plenty !

Also I have just read an absolutely brilliant book and it is incredibly realistic. 'The Prep Group', Eloisa Hope. It's a work of fiction but based on real life events.

People used to say this all the time in the adoption boards but it's incredibly difficult to truly take in when you're at the beginning stages of adoption and understandably need positivity in equal measure to see you through the process. And please believe me it is certainly not doom and gloom all the time - it can be quite easy to get this impression from online forums as naturally people post more so when they're in difficulties. However with all that said...

I can't emphasise enough how true it is that adopting a young child does not guarantee a smooth process or that they will not face issues at a later time. It is also very true that you are likely to go through a time when your relationship dynamic with your adopted child is tested, often several years after adoption, and not always when you most probably expect it. Almost every adopter I know has had challenges over and above typical parenting to contend with and if you are serious about adoption, that is something to bear in mind. Also bear in mind the robustness of your relationship with your spouse/partner and dig deep to think about how well it can cope with either the strain of a significant issue such as a child with behavioural, trauma or learning issues, or simply needing to prioritise your child's needs over yours or your partner's needs for a time

I adopted my little boy at 13 months from a very loving consistent foster family who had had him from birth. There were no "obvious" signs of any developmental delay, health issues or causes for concern other than what we knew of the pregnancy and birth history.

From age 3 it has been increasingly obvious that my son suffers from severe separation anxiety, was indeed affected more than we could possibly have comprehended from his in utero trauma, struggles to relate behaviour and his emotions, and has an issue with impulse control and aggression. The gap between him and his peers is becoming more pronounced as they approach school age and he is still struggling with things that are typically associated with early toddler hood. We have had battles with our nursery because of his challenges being invisible and not obvious and have already learnt a lot about how much we will need to advocate for him not to be misunderstood throughout his life. We have thankfully accessed a lot of helpful and just in time support through adoption uk but if we hadn't we would probably have reached a real breaking point by now. However, going back to the quality of your relationships and/or own resilience...I am fortunate that one advantage of having been through a difficult childhood myself is that I have developed quite good resilience through life experiences I've had. A reason why social workers are often keen to welcome people to adoption who had been through their own trials and tribulations is that they are typically the people that have the resilience to persevere when things get tough.

Please don't let this put you off. Despite the fact I have in honesty found my relationship with my son impacted by his behaviour, we have largely come through the other side with the help of professionals, being willing to adapt and change our expectations/approach and a big dollop of resilience. And a sense of humour. I would not change a thing and have zero regrets about adopting but what do I wish I knew? That there is often a "honeymoon phase" before you experience the actual reality of adoptive parenting and all that comes with it

I wish I’d known how much I would love my little boy. DH and I spent months prepping, on courses, researching. The anxiety and fear we had but ploughed on with a blind trust. I was diagnosed with post adoption anxiety pretty early on and got help but I wish I hadn’t wasted those early months so fearful.

We are now 2 years on and our boy is very nearly 4 and I can’t believe how much he has grown in just 2 years. It feels like a lifetime ago but also has flown by.

I don’t know what the future holds for him. So far, we have no signs of any difficulties or things to keep an eye on but we do know that if anything does happen that that won’t change how we feel about him.

It's early days for us - our little girl moved in nearly 6 months ago. She is 18 months old. So far there are no concerns about anything, but time will tell.

The one thing I will say is that the past few months have challenged my relationship with my partner more than I thought possible. When we disagreed previously it just wasn't a big deal, but now disagreements are about decisions we need to make about our child. It has been hard. We are fine and have a good relationship, but it has been hard at times. People often commented that the social workers really put us through it during the assessment stage, but this is why.

We adopted a baby at 6 months who had been hospitalised for 7 weeks with drug withdrawal. He is everything to me. But I was not prepared for how exhausted I would feel mentally and physically. This comes from parenting, but also advocating. School/health care providers you have to be prepared to go to bat for your child and sometimes it feels relentless. I have to do this in a way I have never had to for my biological child.

I enjoy parenting him but I’ve had to learn techniques and do parenting courses along the way and we have accessed post adoption support whenever we have hit a road bump.

Our relationship is great. My husband however has a much trickier time with our son. It stems from his work schedule not being a set routine. Our boy thrives on routine and predictability.

A lot of people have a romanticised view of us as adopters. As if we have done a selfless act, when really we wanted to have a baby and this was the route we chose.

That it’s much much tougher than you can ever prepare for and will negatively affect your birth children’s childhoods. The guilt of this is unimaginable.

No apologies for the straight talking- 10 years in and although I wouldn’t be deterred at the beginning, I often wish I had listened to other’s warnings.

At last someone being truly honest - thank you for your bravery

OP you can ask social workers about special guardianship - which will still be tough but the child retains their identity and as a result has one less trauma in later life for them to deal with

Do you go on every adoption post and mention special guardianship orders? if you want to raise awareness about them, start your own thread.

My child still retains his identity. He knows who he is, who his birth parents are. We have done age appropriate life story work.

@Glenlivet

many posters here, including myself, are very honest and do not shy away from the realities of adoption.

its not a helpful contribution to this board as a whole for you to raise SGOs on every thread you come on.

The courts decide whether the plan for a child is adoption or not. Its nothing to do with as an adopter.
I’m sure if you were to start your own thread about restructuring the care system you would get a lot of engagement.
My son knows who he is, where he comes from and exactly why he ended up where he did. He is forging his own identity which is not bogged down in the traumas of his past, because thats what I have taught him to be - his own person.

@Showmethefood

hi, I’m not sure that anything really surprised me, I’d done a lot of research, spent a couple of years on forums, listening and asking questions. So I think I was very well prepared.

That’s not to say it hasn’t been very challenging at times. But I expected it to be hard so that in itself wasnt a surprise. During a very challenging time early on my mum asked me if it was harder than I thought it would be. I said it feels like a surgeon telling you that he is going to chop your leg off with a rusty axe and its going to hurt, so prepare yourself, so getting your leg chopped off isnt a surprise but you can’t grasp the level of pain until you experience it.

I suppose I was surprised about the child I adopted. I always said I didnt think a 6 year old boy with autism would be right for me. So of course I ended up with a 7 year old boy with autism! But thats because I had a very stero typed view of autism. Once I was presented with a real child and could see what ASD meant for him, it was a lot less scary.

My son’s behaviour has at times pushed me to my limits, its been very hard at times to see him struggle so much with all that life has thrown at him. But its also been inspiring to me to see him grow and witness the emergence of a fine young man with a really great future ahead of him.

Your question about relationship is interesting. We have always got along well from day 1 of intros, but those early days it was all very superficial. We were both scared, testing each other out, learning about each other and how to live together. Over time the relationship deepened and became based on love. That carried us through the bad times, so I feel that for us, although we had some difficult times, I woudnt say our relationship was ever rocky.

@Jigglypufff I was merely stating the alternatives - sorry if that offends you I think it is relevant in a thread titled What you wish you'd known about adoption?

An adoptee does not have what other people take for granted things such as a legal birth certificate, but an adoption certificate, which is not valid in some countries should they later decide to emigrate.

Furthermore, their original medical records are sealed upon adoption and they are issued with a new NHS number and a clean slate medical record - this is described by Public Health England as unethical but has to be done due to legal reasons.

The list goes on ......

Sorry, @Ted27 I disagree - it is helpful if prospective adopters are made aware of special guardianship orders. These are not promoted by Adoption UK as they are firmly focused on selling a happy narrative of adoption.

Identity and self-confidence are two different things, and transitioning through adulthood without your true identity is fraught with problems. Imagine not having a valid birth certificate or no access to your family medical history, and weaving the tangled web of adopted and biological family in later life.

Special Guardianship provides the same legal security and safeguarding, but the child retains their name, their birth certificate, and NHS medical record, the only difference being the child doesn't need to go through a name change - which shouldn't be an issue in today's society, really the only benefit is to the adopter, but that's a different story ....

I understand @Ted27 may not want to hear this, but adoption is not a one-time event. And if I had started a thread What do you wish you’d known about adoption? - I think I would prefer to receive a range of views. If I want to start my own thread I will - thank you very much for your advice

@Glenlivet

I’m fully aware that adoption is a not a one off event. I’ve lived it with my son for the last 11 years.
And my son’s name was not changed.

He also has access to his birth family medical history.
He is managing his transition to adult very well, with help from the people who love him.

I don’t know why you can’t grasp that decisions about adoption or SGOs are not made by prospective adopters but by courts. Whatever I think about SGOs makes not a shred if difference to a courts decision.

Glenlivet I'm amazed you find adoption UK as giving a happy narrative of adoption,I actually have found them really realistic and supportive and that their support is brilliant.have you watched any of their webinars?I think anyone looking into adoption gets a huge range of support and knowledge to learn from,they can literally see from the webinar list the kind of difficulties they may face by adopting and how to move forward in things.the webinar on post adoption depression for example,defo no happy narrative,but a good lot of support there.
I think you may be thinking about the way adoption used to be?it is no longer something that hides the child's life story etc,now children being adopted will grow up knowing of their birth family,will most likely have letter writing in place and if possible actual visits with birth family and so a relationship.My DD certainly does.
and on the special guardianship,my DD s team did everything they could to find someone in the extended family who could care for her but there was no one who could or would.so like many children in care her option was long term care or adoption,and I absolutely know she's in the best place and is loved and cared for,has permanency and will know her birth family in time.
Just wanted to say special guardianship is just not an option for all children and adoption was all there was.its a far bigger systematic problem that meant her birth mum couldn't care for her but this is a problem of the system way before she came to adoption

@Glenlivet I agree with @Ted27 that there is no point in advertising SGO to prospective parents because there has to be a preexisting relationship with the child. None of the adopters I know had this and there was no one in my childrens' birth family who could have cared for them. So this is a pointless exercise.

I think your approach is too much "one size fits all". You would have prefered a SGO. That is your right and I am sure you have good reasons. However, many adoptees are fine with being adopted. My children (who have been with me for 11 years) for instance. One of them has not only a new surname, but also a new first name and is happy with that. She was asked at the time and agreed to the change. Both my children have a strong sense of belonging to our family, but also know everything we know about the birth family and have some memories. I also know adult adoptees who are at peace with being adopted and who have no interest in their birth family. Plus, it is a tiny number of children who are being placed for adoption each year.

@Glenlivet Could you let us know whether it was an LA or VA you got your SGO for an unrelated (biologically) child or children from? How you went about being approved as a special guardian for an unrelated child or children?

I am more than happy to learn about people’s advice when it is based in practical experience :) Clearly you have experience at the cutting edge here, as it is not something that was offered to me or any of the other posters here, so it would be great to here lots of details about how one goes about getting an SGO for a child who is not in your biological family network, which you clearly have had a positive experience of as you are such an advocate.

@Showmethefood Ted’s analogy about having your leg cut off is very apt. You can be prepared but you cannot know the experience until you have it!

I think that for me, I didn’t know what would trigger me. I work with young, troubled children and I have had ‘the works’ in terms of behaviour, so I thought I knew what would and wouldn’t bother me. But some stuff- mess and clutter, spitting, biting, a toddler swearing, punching a baby in the face (oh how we laughed) does light the touch paper for emotions which I find harder to manage than I thought.

That’s not to say it’s all about me and how I feel- but it is important to stay in control of your own emotions and so realising you may end up feeling some pretty strong feelings of frustration is important to recognise!

Thank you all. I appreciate all your honest feedback. I am enjoying reading previous threads and gathering information too. It’s strange because the thought of adoption has always been there but I don’t know why? I remember as far back as being a teenager telling people I didn’t want my own children and that I wanted to adopt. However, I think I did/have romanticised this - hence why I’m trying to find out more. Not sure where this will lead but thank you all again.

I’m not sure there’s anything I would have wanted to know, I came into the process with my eyes wide open, professionally I had a very good understanding of children, the child protection process and the impact of kids.

I wish I’d understood better how much my identity and sense of self would change - the move from full time working professional with a good career to adoption leave to part time worker with stagnating career has been a bit of a mind fuck tbh. I’m ok with my career taking a necessary back seat but it’s hard to be so limited by practicalities.

i also underestimated just how much of my time would be spent advocating for my kids needs in school and health/social care services, even knowing my way round the system I’m amazed at the sheer beurocractic, computer says no approach to children’s needs. It’s been a full time job in itself at times.

Our son is approaching his sixth birthday and third year of beinbg adopted. We're both very open about it and he knows his status: he is loved, safe and a key member of the family. The fact he had different birth parents is irrelevant at the moment. How he adapts to that is uncertain.

He does ask a little about his past and we're pretty straight with him, sometimes reading his life book. I ensure I never bad-mouth his parents, as they were the victims of a poor environment.

How was it different? The ease of transition from his foster parents. His first night was a little difficult, but there was little pining and, due to his rough background, he must have just accepted it. Which is a concern.

How is he now? Academically fine, he is now average height and weight, likes climbing, swimming, MMA, running and cycling as well as having a deep fascination with bacteria 😟

However, I suspect some behaviours are manifesting. He has bonded extremely closely with the husband and makes him take his shoes and socks off at night to ensure he (husband) isn't going to run away. Son does lack a little security and still asks if he is dreaming as he is so happy. He is demonstrably frightened of it being taken away.

Look at it form their point of view: you have essentially taken them away from one family against their wishes. That we cannot dispute, so it is up to you to prove to the child it was the best move. Whatever your motives are for adoption, they (probably) will not see it that way. That's fair enough.

Behaviour wise he is much better than most kids of his age. He is helpful in school and really good at making the younger kids in climbing feel settled. He is beautifully caring, with the odd outburst. We discuss this using 'together-time' and chat about feelings. I think most of stems form insecurity.

If you want to hear horror stories, I cannot give them. It is beautiful to know he is 'sleeping' 8 metres away in his room and while there are some rough days, they disappear when you see his peaceful sleeping face.

@ShubhamGautam

Fosterplus appears to be in the USA?