Adoption with an older biological child

[Mustgetorganised]

Hi
My husband and I are considering adopting a child. It won't be for a few years, because our biological DS is only young and we think if we adopted it would be better to wait until he was old enough to be involved in the process (probably at primary school). Our other option is to try for a second biological child, which we may or may not be able to have, but we will have a greater chance of having a biological child if we try now rather than later due to my age.

I had always liked the idea of adoption anyway and we had a number of pregnancy losses prior to having our DS, which makes me more apprehensive about another pregnancy. I do realise that some people may have tried really hard to have a biological DC, so I don't want to sound callous about this, I am just trying to explain my thinking about adoption in our case.

We have many concerns about adoption, the intrusive process, possible health issues with the child, attachment issues and emotional health, and not wishing to imapct our son's life negatively, which is of course a major concern. However, another issue that really worries me is whether extended family members will accept a non-biological child in the same way as they have my son. My son is so loved by our extended family and some have expressed that they don't know if they would feel the same about an adopted child. Not that I think they would not be accepting and kind to them, but I would feel awful if our adopted child grew up feeling like he was not loved by our extended family as much as his siblings and cousins. Does anyone have any positive stories about this or advice?

Thank you in advance

Speaking as an adoptive grandmother, I can honestly say that in our family, our adopted grandchild is loved every bit as much as the birth grandchildren. I know this is the case on both sides of the family. I think that before the little one arrived, we all wondered how things would turn out and whether our new grandchild would seem different in some way because of not being a blood relative. We need not have worried! Little One fits in very well with all the cousins and they all get on great. We are a family and the ‘blood relatives’ thing is never an issue.

I do think it helped that my daughter talked to us in advance about the adoption process and issues around parenting and so on (which are different in many ways to how the birth grandchildren are parented). So to a certain extent, we knew how to be supportive in the early days without getting too ‘hands on’. For us as grandparents, it’s been an experience and several years on now, I can say hand on heart, we really adore our grandchildren. All of them. I hope this helps xx

I have both a birth child and adopted child and there is no difference to us in terms of how much they are loved by us or it her relatives. They are of course parented differently because they have different needs (because they are different people) but when it comes to love, there is no difference. If you have any questions, happy for you to private message me.

@MrsMatty and @121Sarah121 thank you both so much for your replies. That is really helpful and reassuring. I am so glad that things have worked out well in this way for your families. Our families are really lovely and love children, so I think I was worrying about nothing, I doubt it will be an issue. We just need to ensure we take them on any adoption journey with us and keep them informed as you say @MrsMatty

@121Sarah121 thank you so much for the offer to PM you, that is really kind of you and I do appreciate it a lot. We are very early in our journey in considering adoption at the moment, just exploring it generally, but thank you for your kindness.

Hope you both have wonderful Easter Bank Holiday weekends.

My parents felt the same concerns... My in laws were downright unpleasant (cross we'd not asked their permission and vile about where the baby might be from)
In the end they all melted instantly.
That said, even with a big age gap my birth child has suffered from physical attacks, and our lives being affected by our adopted DD because of her issues.
If you can have a biological child I would do that.

T@PicaK thank you for your advice. I am glad to hear that your family all came round. Sorry to hear your adopted DD has some issues and hope things improve for you all around this.

@PicaK hope you have good support from your adoption team too. Really concerns about how it my impact our birth son are my main cause of hesitation around adoption, but I do hope with time everything works our really well for your family. I think we have a second birth child they could also have health issues ect sadly, so there is always a risk with a second child of the first being disrupted.

My family accepted all my adopted children .

However I would be cautious adopting when you already have a birth child. Adopted children can come with a lot trauma impacting on their behaviour which impacts on everyone in the household.
It is not the same as introducing a birth sibling.
I had to fight for everything for my adopted children which consumed a lot of time. My birth child came after adoption and he missed out massively. Although he is brilliant and very tuned into those with additional needs but he was loved from the offset and born into chaos so that was his life. He has not suffered like his siblings.
Research ACES adverse childhood experiences. SW can play down children's experiences or the child may appear they are coping but sometimes the reality is it may hit them as they develop eg puberty and behaviours may deteriorate. These behaviours can be extreme and relentless and bring parents to their knees.
Remember adoption is about the child and you may have to parent therapeutically and that does not always work. I have made some wonderful friends along the way but it has been hard.
Research and go into with your eyes wide open as it is often an extremely hard ,rocky road and impact your and you son's life in a negative way .
Good luck with whatever you decide.

@Trainham thank you for your advice, really appreciate it. I hope all your children are doing well. I didn't mean to trivialise the challenges that come with adoption at all and I am sorry if my post came across like that. I am really worried about any negative impact having an adoptive sibling could have on our DS and we may choose not to adopt for this reason. I have read a bit about ACES and therapeutic parenting, but will have to learn a lot more if we do go further with adoption. We want to give our son a sibling if possible, but it may be we decide he will have to remain an only child, which I know has advantages too.

Thank you for giving me this insight.