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Original poster

AIBU to be suspicious of the timing of this.

10 replies

1099 · 31/03/2023 10:29

Got an email out of the blue yesterday that Letterbox have received a letter from DS(14) BM, we haven't heard from her since her goodbye letter 10 years ago, they're going to forward it on.
Coincidentally I've had a meeting at school today regards DS behaviour taking a turn for the worst over the last couple of weeks.
I'm wondering if he's traced her on SM and contacted her!
Any suggestions on how to broach this with him, he doesn't know about the letter or the meeting; but I'll tell him about the meeting when he gets home from school.

OP posts:
Ted27 · 31/03/2023 14:39

My first thought is if they are in contact over social media, why would she write via letterbox?
He could have contacted her and she wants to keep it all formal- so that could be a positive.
So it could be a co-incidence. Did school give any indication if there were issues there?
I'd just get a pizza in and sit down and be honest with him. My son always copes better when there is food involved.
So something along the lines of - school.had a chat with me because they are a bit worried about you, you don't seem like your normal self and the SW got in contact about a letter from your birth mum. I was wondering in they were connected, if you had found her on Facebook. Because its a big deal, lots of adopted kids start thinking about birth family at your age so thats all quite nornal. You're not in trouble - do you eanr talk to me about it.

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/03/2023 16:09

It could be coincidence, it could be linked. I’d separate out the behaviour stuff from the contact with birth mum. There could be a hundred things happening that’s meant a change in behaviour and if you make the link too prematurely he might feel unable to tell you what’s going on.

Maybe have a chat about the schools concerns and ask him generally what he thinks about what the school are saying, if he recognises a change. I’d also talk to him about the contact from birth mum and explain you wondered what might have prompted it eg if he’d come across her online.

It may be something has changed in her life to make her want to get in touch, might be worth seeing what her letter says before you talk to him because she might explain in it why she’s contacting now.

onlytherain · 01/04/2023 17:14

Have you noticed a change at home? Does he know everything there is to know about the birth family? Could his birthmother tell him things he does not know yet that could destabilise him? Has he seen all the pictures that are online of the birth family? I think it is best to preempt everything. If you put all the cards on the table, they see they can trust you and there are no surprises.

Original poster
1099 · 02/04/2023 07:40

Thanks for the replies; I considered the why write if he contacted her on SM scenario but my thought was maybe he messaged her and she couldn't deal with messaging him so was prompted to write. the timing for that would fit with his school issues. He has done life story work with a therapist in the last year so he knows everything there is to know really. We'll just have to wait and see what the letter says and take it from there.

OP posts:
Glenlivet · 02/04/2023 08:24

Maybe it has taken her this long to write as she has been dealing with the trauma of having her child taken away? There are so many things you don’t know you cannot make assumptions
Letterbox contact is for the benefit of the child and should never be about the adopter I understand it must be hard, but so is being separated from your biological family - for whatever reason.

Leavingtoday · 02/04/2023 16:42

Maybe it has taken her this long to write as she has been dealing with the trauma of having her child taken away? There are so many things you don’t know you cannot make assumptions
Letterbox contact is for the benefit of the child and should never be about the adopter

Why are you focusing on the BP trauma? OP has focussed on her son and concerns around his behaviour. At no point did they complain about the lack of letterbox contact or make it about them.

Ted27 · 02/04/2023 17:21

@1099

How far did the life story work go? By the time we had proper therapeutic life story work my son was very well versed in the facts.
He learnt very little in that respect from life story work. What he did get was understanding of why he ended up where he did - why his birth parents were not able to care for him, what happened in their lived that brought them all to that point.

Glenlivet · 02/04/2023 17:24

I think you'll find they said there hadn't been any contact for 10 years ........

Original poster
1099 · 02/04/2023 18:46

@Glenlivet It was a statement of fact, made to illustrate the concern that suddenly the letter arrives just as DS is having issues at school. There actually wasn't any judgement, because I happen to know a lot more about BMs circumstances than you might think.
@Ted27 The Life story work was actually really good very in depth and really sought to present the reality of what had happened to him.

Anyway the letter is here now and he's not interested in reading it at the moment, so I think that alleviates some of my concerns.

OP posts:
Leavingtoday · 02/04/2023 19:10

I think you'll find they said there hadn't been any contact for 10 years ........

So what? OP is simply giving context. OP didn't say "BP hasn't written for 10years and we are so annoyed".

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