Thinking about adoption

[Adoptionmaybe]

Hi,

I have been thinking about adoption ever since I decided I wanted a child/raise a child, it’s a mixture of wanting a child and wanting the experience of raising a child.

Im late twenties. I do live at home as I struggle to manage everything to do with a home, but I’m so much better than I used to be. I will probably live at home forever, but in my own annexe. My dad is planning a house that will have a 2 bed annexe for me, and then a larger house for my dad and step mum (my mum died when I was 13).

I had a mental breakdown/autistic burnout 5 years ago now, developed psychosis but have not had psychosis is nearly 2 years now and I’m coming off my anti psychotics. I am autistic/adhd.

I need to lose quite a bit of weight to get under 40 bmi, this is for ivf as that was/is my plan. I’m single and do not want a partner, hence the ivf or adoption. I put on the weight because of the anti psychotics I was on, not because I eat all the wrong things, I do eat as healthily as possible, (I have some sensory issues).

I know adoption is not about me, it’s totally about the child. I don’t have much experience with children tbh, none of my family have children. Do I need to get child experience? I was thinking about Barnardo’s or my local council, and it doesn’t say you need child experience but I have read on here you need child experience.

I don’t work but I have plenty money. I know that sounds weird but I have 20k£ saved up already, probably won’t be able to save much more though. I have income. I get adp (Scotland’s pip) and esa new style. I understand if I do I have a child I probably wouldn’t get as much which would reduce my income but I have separate income to this which is enough live off. I know I’m
being vague, so sorry for that.

id love to provide a secure home for a child. Ideally an older child.

i know you guys can’t say for sure obviously but in your experience would you say I could potentially adopt. I definitely have the capacity for a child. I’d love to go the adoption route, it would be my preferred route.

thank you for reading if you got this far.

i am doing my own research, I just thought I’d ask here as I know this board is great.

that adoptees have no access to their birth certificates and current family medical history

My DC have copies of their birth certificates in their life story books.
We also receive relevant medical info in contact letters.

I genuinely believe that given they couldn't live with their birth family, that giving my DC a 'forever' home and family was better for them than an SGO which could have left them wondering 'will I get rejected / turfed out at 18'. My commitment is until I die, so 40 years or so, not just 10-16 years.

SGOs were very new when I adopted and not being billed as a replacement for adoption, so it's somewhat moot anyway.

@Glenlivet

No I don't think I 'saved' my son. I have however given him stability and opportunities.
He is an amazing young man- he has taken every opportunity put in front of him. He has worked hard and created his own future. If anyone has saved him, it is himself.
Its pointless you banging on about if we really cared about the child/children we would have chosen SGO rather than adoption because its not a choice given to us as prospective adopters.

@Glenlivet Are you a name changer by any chance. You seem familiar.

@Glenlivet you have completely derailed this thread. This is utterly unfair to the OP.

If you wanted to start discussing SGO's versus Adoption you should have started your own thread in the appropriate place.

I am pretty sure that I know who you are. And that you are the person who regularly comes on this board under different names.

My son's future was decided by a Judge who had very carefully explored all options. Adoption was the best outcome for him.

My son has his original birth certificate, absolutely shed loads of medical information about himself and numerous members of his birth family.

My son fully knows his life story (age appropriately) and fully knows about his birth parents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc.

My son has been adopted but he very much has two families. I celebrate this. There is no secrecy. Despite what things birth family did he is being and will continue to be fully supported with any questions and Contact. If he wants to contact them/see them when he is older I will be right behind him.

I like many Adopters have not adopted to claim ownership... far from it. We can not own people. We have adopted because we want to give a child the safety and security they need.

My son's life would be a million times worse than it is if he was under SGO. He needed and needs to be SAFE from birth family.

Ooh the irony…… Perhaps more than one person can think legal guardianship is a better outcome for the child.

It’s more your style of writing rather than the content. Just curious.

Sorry, but as an adoptee I find this offensive. I am still me. I still have my identity. My family adopted me so I was a permanent member of the family with the same legal rights as if I’d been born to them. Some children are put at direct risk and continued trauma being left in contact with their birth families. It is not about a stripping of identity, it’s about being part of a secure child-centered family where safety is priority. When we get older and seek the truth we are (generally) supported in that and it’s the people involved who make the difference, not the legal name of the parenthood. In todays world, many adopted children have been through severe abuse and neglect. It’s not a cut and dry issue and a stripping of identity is just the wrong way of looking at it (though identity is a key thing to support as an adoptive parent).

OP, if this is something you truly want, I would work on learning to manage a house independently and think about how the day to day of children would affect this. How would your neurodiversity be impacted by having children around (and then move onto children who’ve experienced trauma)?
I would give yourself as long a period as possible between psychosis and when you apply and make sure you are as stable and capable as possible if you do decide it’s something you’re able to manage.
The whole process is hard, even before the children arrive, and I think previous posters have already given really good advice.
I also went through psychosis and may be neurodiverse. I’ve got myself into a stable place where I’m capable of being very independent and caring for others, have birth children first and once they are older my dh and I plan to apply for adoption. I don’t know yet if we’ll be successful, but we’ve put in lots of work beforehand to increase our chances. If we do get through, it’ll be years of work in the making, but it’s something we both really want to do.
Will you be a single adopter? If you will, I would also consider how hard the constant need of the children would be. Lots of single people do adopt, but you need a good support network.
If I’m overwhelmed (even with a birth child), I can ask my husband to take them out for a time or go for a walk alone. If my husband wasn’t there, I’m sure I’d find other ways to cope, but I do think it would be harder.

I am back. I was quite down after reading the responses, although I am aware they are very truthful, so I thank you for being honest with me.

I have thought long and hard over the past few months and I still wish to go down the adoption route at this time.

I am doing better than I was even a few months ago.

my parents are supportive, my step mum in particular. And they are going to help me to work to live more independently. And I am working on myself too during the next few years.

I am still volunteering in a shop 5 hours a week now, and there is a potential job there, which the manager is going to ask her boss if it’s possible for me to have.

the main problem with my old job (I left 4 years ago) was the manager, he basically forced the whole office to do overtime. So I was contracted 30 hours and every week I was doing an extra 15 minimum. It was a very physical job, I was 22 and had had one job when I was 19 for three months. It was a horrible environment with an extremely high turnover.

my plan for the next two years is to work hard on myself, lose 40 kg and get myself organised and in a position where I can work some hours a week properly.

I am a very good advocate for myself, remarkably so. I run an online group for nearly 500 autistic adults, I make myself useful by helping them out, helping them advocate for themselves.

i would love for adoption to be my path. So I am working hard on myself.

thank you for all your advice and honest truth.

@Adoptionmaybe
You go for it.
It's wonderful to have ambition, but I think it will be very tough for you given the information you've shared on this thread.
But you can try and if you aren't accepted onto the process in 2 years you are still very young and life might look very different for you in the future, you can always try again and again.

I've just had my child placed with me. The intros were the hardest part by far. I wouldn't say I have a natural or good rapport with their FC's and it's been tough so ending so much time with them and having to 'be my best self' at all times (I'm ND).
Being a parent is a very 'public' role.
I've previously hidden away a bit in my life. I'm very social and outgoing when I'm 'on' but that is followed by double the amount of time being 'off' - staying home, not talking to anyone unless I need to, working (I WFH and live alone) walking my dog, gardening, listen to music, my creative hobbies, chatting on the phone to 1 or 2 close family/friends.
This lovely safe life has been blown apart since becoming an adoptive parent. Yes before I travelled lots, been to Uni the other side of the country, worked abroad, socialised, had lots of fun and adventures, but it was always on my terms with a small amount of people I loved and trusted.
Now I have to talk and make the effort with every Tom, Dick, Harriet down the playground/soft play. Go to the local swimming pool, which I bloody hate (love swimming, hate all the other stuff and the fact there's loads of other people there!) I have to chat and be fun, engaged and interested in my child 90% of the time they are awake (pre-school and not in nursery yet). It's exhausting! I am enjoying it, it's early days, but I love looking after them, and the fact I have 'my own' family (NOT that I own them!) and discovering as much as I can about them. But they don't like the same food as me, or music, they are loud and their sleep pattern is entirely different to mine, I hate having the TV on, let alone kids TV (FC liked the TV so I'm stuck with it) I struggle with the fact they don't trust me yet and are guarded (understandably) honestly there's some many micro challenges every single moment of every single day and there are zero big issues so far.

So yes, apply when you are ready or when you want to, but it's not going to be easy if you are ND because it forces you to mask most of the time when they are young in my experience.

Should say the 10% of the time I'm not engaged with my child it's because I'm driving or emptying the dishwasher or making Drs appointments - although I never managed to have time to zone out - the child is always involved somehow (inc all showers/loo trips) I'm basically never ever alone and that's the hardest thing I'm dealing with because I used to love being alone!

As I said, I am ND (but I guess would be considered high-functioning, I'm totally independent and always have been since teenage hood, and I have a 'professional' job, mortgage etc.

Hi @Adoptionmaybe it's good to see you have come back.

You are still very very young and have a lot of things to sort out before an Agency could potentially take you on for Assessment.

I would suggest that you take at least 5 years to make changes and then see how things are then.

I spent 10 years preparing for Adoption before I applied. I made sure I was both mentally and physically the very best I could be.

There is no rush to be a mum. You have years to prepare. Many people are in their 40's when they apply to Adopt.

Good luck @Adoptionmaybe .