Thinking about adoption

[Adoptionmaybe]

Hi,

I have been thinking about adoption ever since I decided I wanted a child/raise a child, it’s a mixture of wanting a child and wanting the experience of raising a child.

Im late twenties. I do live at home as I struggle to manage everything to do with a home, but I’m so much better than I used to be. I will probably live at home forever, but in my own annexe. My dad is planning a house that will have a 2 bed annexe for me, and then a larger house for my dad and step mum (my mum died when I was 13).

I had a mental breakdown/autistic burnout 5 years ago now, developed psychosis but have not had psychosis is nearly 2 years now and I’m coming off my anti psychotics. I am autistic/adhd.

I need to lose quite a bit of weight to get under 40 bmi, this is for ivf as that was/is my plan. I’m single and do not want a partner, hence the ivf or adoption. I put on the weight because of the anti psychotics I was on, not because I eat all the wrong things, I do eat as healthily as possible, (I have some sensory issues).

I know adoption is not about me, it’s totally about the child. I don’t have much experience with children tbh, none of my family have children. Do I need to get child experience? I was thinking about Barnardo’s or my local council, and it doesn’t say you need child experience but I have read on here you need child experience.

I don’t work but I have plenty money. I know that sounds weird but I have 20k£ saved up already, probably won’t be able to save much more though. I have income. I get adp (Scotland’s pip) and esa new style. I understand if I do I have a child I probably wouldn’t get as much which would reduce my income but I have separate income to this which is enough live off. I know I’m
being vague, so sorry for that.

id love to provide a secure home for a child. Ideally an older child.

i know you guys can’t say for sure obviously but in your experience would you say I could potentially adopt. I definitely have the capacity for a child. I’d love to go the adoption route, it would be my preferred route.

thank you for reading if you got this far.

i am doing my own research, I just thought I’d ask here as I know this board is great.

I know I’m very naive about this but that’s why I’m doing my research, at least 2 years till I start the process.

As you say you have autism I am going to try to be clear about my concerns rather than too much waffle.

If you can't live independently by yourself, how realistic do you think it is for you to fully look after a child, especially one who will have the additional trauma of needing to be adopted?

If you are being really honest with yourself, would you be able to met their needs?

I am concerned that maybe you are underestimating how demanding children can be, and the impact that might have on yourself.

As you say you have suffered from autistic burnout in the past, would you cope with a full on child wanting attention all the time, or even one just wanting lots of hugs?

I think if you volunteered somewhere suitable you could test yourself and also then be able to show social workers you would cope.

Your post has made me think of some very important things @Adoptionmaybe

Will you be able to deal with the very very intensive Assessment and matching process ? It can take anywhere from 9 months to 3+ years from starting the process to getting a child. It will involve hours and hours every week of homework, reading, emails, phonecalls, training. That is the easy part.

Once you have a child will you be able to deal with potentially having to write lots of emails, make lots of phonecalls and the school or social Workers not listening to you. And being out in public with your child hitting you, swearing, running away. Or your child crying a lot, hurting themselves, hitting other children.

How will you be able to look after and manage everything to do with a very traumatised child ? Things can range from constantly needing cuddles, hitting/kicking/biting you, screaming for hours. Not sleeping. Drawing on the walls, breaking things. You barely getting any sleep. These are just some issues.

Will you be able to look after yourself as well ? Especially because it is only two years after your last psychotic experience. I think Social Workers will be very concerned about your mental health issues being so recent.

Your weight will likely to be a significant issue. Adopters need to be fit and healthy and to be able to have the energy to run around/play with the kids. Many Adopters put on a lot of weight after Adoption. There are lots of us who were within normal weight range before Adoption who within 2/3 years became obese.

Many many Adopters have had mental health issues, weight issues, financial issues etc. They have started the adoption process after addressing everything and being in a very stable place for some time.

At the moment it sounds like you are a very long way away from being able to start the process.

You need to be able to live independently and deal with all of the very very very stressful aspects of adoption.

I knew I wanted to adopt. I am single. I spent 10 years getting myself in a position to apply.

If you are very determined to Adopt then perhaps you will be able to. But first you will need to do a lot of things.

I am trying to show you what adoption is. It is the hardest thing that many Adopters have ever done. I am not trying to be unkind.

Xx

Even if your child is 'well behaved' (and even if they are in FC they may well not be when placed, or as a teen), you have to be able to advocate firmly and clearly for your adopted child. You need to be able to be persistent, to write emails / make phone calls / face to face to advocate for the help your child needs. Not all the time, but as needed.

@Adoptionmaybe

I do understand that desire to be a parent.
I am a single adopter and I can honestly say to you that it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
@UnderTheNameOfSanders and @Chocapple have written excellent posts and I haven't much to add.
I think you need to think long and hard about whether you feel having a child is something you can realistically do.
I'm afraid wanting a child isn't enough. The thing that leaps out for me is saying that you can't manage to do everything with running a home..What does that mean in reality? Do you cook, clean, do the shopping, manage any bills? I know this will be hard for you to hear but I don't think social workers will consider you whilst you are so reliant on your parents.

Have you discussed this with your parents - what do they think ?

@Adoptionmaybe I’m a social worker working in Scotland, and an adoptive parent.

A few things stood out for me. The first is that you don’t anticipate being able to live independently and can’t manage all of the things involved in running a house. How do you see things working if you add a child into the mix? I assume your parents act as carers for you - do you anticipate them also taking a caring role for any child you have? As a SW I’d want to see you living fully independently before even considering your application.

How does your autism/ADHD impact you daily. You said you’ve had a breakdown leading to psychosis, do you understand what caused that and what support have you got in place to prevent a recurrence? What would happen to any children if you needed to be hospitalised in future?

In terms of finance, there’s an expectation that you are financially secure. Are you currently able to live within your means and manage your money without support? What would be your plan for financially supporting yourself and a child post placement?

Are you able to attend to all of a child’s needs, eg run a house, manage money, engage with education, advocate for a child’s needs (which may be very complex). When you say you have capacity for a child, what does that mean to you - if you currently need support for daily living and are unable to work it’s unlikely you’ll have the physical, emotional and psychological resources to meet a child’s needs.

Theres a lot for you to think about, and I know it’s not what you want to hear but better to think these things through and plan accordingly.

I think you would also have to consider what support you are currently accessing.
If for example you are still actively involved in a mental health team (rather than for just meds reviews) then presumably your team thinks your at risk of relapse

The same for things like adp, if it's anything like England's criteria of pip then it signifies that you have high levels of need. It would be conflicting if for example you said you were able to live independently and cope with new challenges whilst having a pip assessment (and presumably supporting letters from professionals that know you) stating you have a high level of disability

I‘m sorry but “I decided I wanted a child” should never be a reason to adopt. Children are not commodities. There are plenty of alternatives kinship care, special guardianship - both of which provide safeguards without stripping the child of its identity.

The focus should be - am I able to provide the love and security this child needs.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but the focus should always be on the child
I would always ask- if you are doing this for the child - why do you need to adopt when you can provide security through special guardianship? That is the true litmus test as to whether you are doing it do the right reasons

I would always ask- if you are doing this for the child - why do you need to adopt when you can provide security through special guardianship? That is the true litmus test as to whether you are doing it do the right reasons

I don't think that's a fair question at all. Adoption is a commitment for life. It gives the child a family forever. Special Guardianship ends when the young person turns 18. It is very very different. SG is fine if you are already related in some way such as an Aunt or Grandparent, but not for an unrelated child.

If you have a true emotional bond then that relationship will pass the test of time and everyone is happy If you don’t then let that person be free of an adoption they never chose to be part of
Adoption is about ownership- special guardianship is about the best interests of the child

I disagree. Adoption is about giving the young person permanence, not about ownership.

Anyway this is a disruption to the OP's thread now. If you want to discuss the whole concept of adoption, best to start your own thread.

It wasn’t a disruption I was merely pointing out the options - sorry if that offends you. Please don’t tell me I can’t make a valid point on a thread just because you disagree - we don’t all have to agree in everything.

@Glenlivet

SGO isnt a ‘choice’ though is it?

I’m pretty sure that if I’d suggested to my son’s SW that I have an SGO and not adopt him, then he wouldn’t be son.

Adoption is about ownership- special guardianship is about the best interests of the child

Nonsense, adoption is about giving a child a permanent family, legally. My children gave the same stays as other children in my extended family, I have the same duties to them as any other parent - duties that extend well beyond 18. My DD is unlikely to be independent by 18, special guardianship would legally end my responsibilities to her (morally of course that’s a different thing). My children have a sense of belonging, we share the same name and family identity. I don’t own them, because you can’t own another human being.

I rest my case - Just look at your responses - „he would not be my son“and “family identity”
Adoptees had their own identities prior to adoption - these have now been erased. Special guardianship would mean that they could still be part of your family in an open and honest relationship and retained their identity Post 18 you are not legally responsible for your children as they are adults so special guardianship is inline with kept children
Many councils are now moving towards kinship care and special guardianship as they recognise the issues that come with adoption
What happens when they get older and are seeking the truth? This will happen at some point in their life - maybe you should look at this from the viewpoint of the child

@Glenlivet

SWs go to great lengths to find kinship carers.
Three years ago I was asked to consider adopting a sibling. I know that people with very tenuous connections with no 'blood' relationship.
There was no one suitable. What do you think should have happened to him?
My son has known the truth all his life. No secrets.
His identity has not been erased - his birth family and adoptive family are all part of his identity.
He is 18 now. He does not wish to pursue a relationship with his birth parents. His choice.
Yes he is very much my son. I do not 'own' him anymore than my parents owned me.

@Ted27 you don't need to be a family member to be a special guardian. Kinship carers are related, but anyone can be a special guardian. Your son is 18, still very young, and may well wish to pursue a relationship with his natural family when he has certain events in his life, such as having his own children. His choice in this is not a reflection of his relationship with you, but he may well feel torn between two families - which is why special guardianship is a much more upfront and honest solution.

I still think this is a disruption to the OP's thread.

It is the experts - SWs and panels - who decide what kind of permanence a child needs. At the moment this is often adoption.

@Glenlivet

I know what an SGO is.
I also know that before I entered the picture, courts had decided that he should be adopted.
His full sibling meanwhile has been passed back and forth various family members, foster care and residential care.
I would have been more than happy to have him join his brother under any arrangement. I fought for 4 years to do that.
Instead his education has been trashed, his family relationships are trashed, his mental health is through the floor. His future has been put at risk by the pursuit of maintaining birth family living arrangements.
I know which brother got the better deal and my heart breaks that he was not given the same chances as my son has had.
No adopter I have ever met would disagree that the best place for any child is with the birth family. Sometimes it's just not an option and adoption is the solution.
You say that at some point adoptees will want to know the truth, implying that 'secrets' are kept from them. That's not how it works.
We are many years on from times when adoption was kept a secret.
All the adoptive families that I know with older teens/ young adults are supporting them with whatever contact they do or do want with birth family.

@Ted27 I did not say he will want to know the truth - I said he might want to pursue a relationship with his family - nor did I say you would be unsupportive. I merely pointed out that he may feel conflicted, which is something completely different.

Maybe try reading my post before going on the adoption has changed narrative.
But seeing as you think it has just a few pointers -
he still does not have a legal birth certificate, only an adoption certificate. If he wants to emigrate, this may cause him problems as adoption certificates are not recognised in some countries - USA and an adoptee could not get married in Germany recently, as they did not recognise her adoption certificate.
He has had his medical record wiped and a new NHS number issued. He no longer has access to his current family medical history and will face discrimination when accessing healthcare in future years.
Because he has been adopted, he is not able to access any support post 18, unlike care-experienced children. The Adoption Support fund stops at 18, thereafter there is zero support. Because he has been adopted, even as an adult he can only access therapeutic counselling via an ofsted registerd counsellor - good luck if you need to find one who will be able to help him.

Adoption has been promoted in the past as agencies are paid £33,800 for placing a child, and once a child is placed they are the responsibility of the adopters - hence why there is insufficient support for adopters.

If adoption had changed all of the above would have been put right by the state - but it hasn't and it never will be, because people don't like to talk about the uncomfortable truth that goes alongside adoption.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders it's not a disruption to explain the options to the OP, and I'll think you'll find there is a move towards Special Guardianship when Kinship care is not an option. Even Adoption UK is changing its focus 😊

@Glenlivet

ASF is available until age 21, 25 if you have an EHCP.
If you are assessed and approved by an agency like I was, then yes the agency is paid a fee by the placing LA, to compensate for the cost of that process. Similarly if a child is placed with another LA. This seems reasonable to me. It's not a profit making exercise.

Of course the adoption system is not perfect. I have plenty to say about it. But sometimes it is the best option.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders
I don't disagree that it's a disruption to the thread but that's what happend here sometimes.
As far as the op is concerned, I don't think she will be back. The 'options' don't really seems to be relevant to her as she is so far off being in a position to take responsibility for a child, whatever the legal arrangement.

What happens when they get older and are seeking the truth?

@Glenlivet Yes you did say he would want to know the truth. I’ve quoted you.

My children have the same supports available to them, for the same timescales (age 25 where I am) as any other care experienced child. They know about the circumstances of their adoption and will be fully supported to have whatever contact they wish when they time comes. They have extensive information about their family medical history - more than I have about mine tbh because it was carefully collected and recorded.

Kinship care is favoured by local authorities because it’s much cheaper than care placements or adoption. It’s at times a disaster for the children concerned because the family dynamics become very complex particularly around contact with neglectful or abusive parents, so the child has torn loyalties. It can work well but that takes a lot of work. Parents can appeal or seek revocation of an kinship order/SGO, meaning the child’s status and residence isn’t necessarily secure.

Like @Ted27 i have a lot to say about current adoption practice, but adoption was the right thing for my children, evidenced by the outcomes so far for their siblings who were placed in different ways, with very challenging results for the children.

The reality is there’s no ideal for children who’s parents are unable or unwilling to care for them, every option has its downsides - we need to assess the best option for this child, at this point in their development, considering their particular needs.

will happen at some point in their life - maybe you should look at this from the viewpoint of the child

Ive been looking at this from my children’s’ viewpoint since before I knew them, they know the truth about their background as far as is age appropriate, it’s never been hidden from them.

I’m not going to get into an argument- you obviously think you have saved your adopted child but funny how you all completely ignore the fact that adoptees have no access to their birth certificates and current family medical history
interesting how none of you would even entertain the idea of special guardianship - where safeguarding is in place but you don’t strip the child of its identity. Just ask yourself why you adopted - was it to satisfy a need to have a child or was it genuinely for the child. If it was for the latter then you could have been a special guardian, which is proven to be less traumatic for the child.