How the hell am I meant to work properly?

[LawnFeedFeedsWeeds]

We have two adopted children, under the age of 8. Due to several crises and reaching a breaking point, we finally received help from post adoption support. An assessment was done of both children and we've received the reports. This has all been positive and we are so glad we did this.

We both work full time. When we adopted our second child, the strain began. We managed for a while then the strain became a lot, leading to us seeking support. I work in a job where my patience is tested all day long, huge pressure and frankly, a career where my medium term plan is to leave. DH works in a much lower paid job but he is happy. He works alone and therefore has more to give the children when he gets home. I think this is invaluable.

As is usually the case, issues with our eldest child didn't become fully apparent until they were older.

We adore both our children. We are fully committed to supporting them with their additional needs. Unfortunately, their needs are completely opposite (eg, one is tactile avoidant and one seeks touch constantly). Their relationship is difficult to manage and very complex. They adore each other but there are difficulties. Our eldest has less understanding than our youngest. Everything is made harder by this.

I'm exhausted. I'm so so finished. The report for both children has a list of recommended therapy. This is not a short term fix, as I'm sure you all know. None of these therapies will take place outside working hours or at weekends. They are also all at least 45minute drive from us. I have a very supportive work place but frankly, I need to go part time. But we will struggle to afford this.

What are we supposed to do? If I go part time, I could leave my career early and look at any other part time job. My career isn't great part time, you end up working on your days off and I refuse to do that. It would be a squeeze though, I wouldn't be able to send the kids to the clubs they love and help them.

We already claim DLA for our eldest. Our youngest is a lot younger so I think that would be difficult.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really. We know other adopters and none both work full time. I can see why now. But they all have inheritance etc behind them.

I feel so trapped. My job does not come before my kids. But I don't want their quality of life to get worse. But what's the point in lovely groups etc if they grow up not dealing with their trauma.

I'm not sure why I'm posting to be honest. Just a kind will be gratefully received from other adopters.

Try to put less pressure on yourself. The most important aspect in your children's life is their relationship with you, not some club. I would reduce your work hours and give up on clubs or find more affordable ones (scouts?). When you have more time and energy, you can do more things with them at home or go to a playground for a few hours. That is quality time and will help them to feel safe, develop their social skills, their imagination and will give them sensory input. More time might also help you to improve their relationship. You and your husband will always only be as happy as your children and getting them to engage in therapy is much easier when they are young, so I would prioritise that.

We (partner and I) found ourselves in a similar position a few years. We were at burnout trying to meet everyone’s needs. I took 6 months off work (stress related) and my partner went part time and we focused on relationship building with our child. We engaged in therapy and lots of post adoption support and now both work part time and changed working hours. My partner changed jobs to a less stressful one. Even though money is tight (really tight), it’s by far the best decision we made for our family. There’s still challenges but we have the capacity and head space to deal with things much better than before. We can give both children one to one time and have time for ourselves. It works for our family. Without it, I dread to think what would have happened. My mental health was in a terrible state but now I would say we are a happy family.

Thank you both. I absolutely agree that they need the therapy over and above everything else. The clubs they do support their physical needs, they aren't just for fun sadly (although they do love them!). But yes, therapy comes before any clubs.

My husband's job is quiet and isolated but pays little because its term time only. This does mean he is there for the children mentally and physically. He copes much better than me.

I think I need to make a decision. The only one I can think of is for me to go part time. Because I am the main wage earner, that is a big hit on our wages. Just worried. But I'm more worried about my children.

Sounds really tough. Sending hugs. Yes most adopters do seem to struggle to both work full time. I have just come to the realisation that I'm probably unlikely to ever work full time again and my AS is only 3 and doesn't have high needs as yet but I don't see how I could manage him, the house and a FT job.

You haven't indicated what your career is but honestly. I urge you to consider getting signed off with stress for a few months atleast. You probably still get full pay, can deal with your home problems and then work out a plan once you have more insight on what these appointment schedules are going to be. You can then speak to your employer about flexible working. HR are likely to support this especially if you've had a doctor sign you off. I've never done it personally but working in HR I see people opt for this route first regularly. Something to think about and would hopefully avoid financial stress to in the short term.

I would also suggest you consider getting signed off for a few months. Give yourself some breathing space and time to come up with a longer term plan.

Is your husband giving up work not an option? If he is the lower earner that would make more financial sense. He should also be able to claim carer's allowance as your eldest gets DLA. I'd also get a claim in for your youngest.

As a single parent, I worked part time, initially three days a week. I was lucky enough to get adoption allowance but I also relied on DLA and enhanced tax credits.
Have you looked into the benefit situation? I earnt too much for working tax credit but qualified for a tiny amount of child tax credit - about £40 a month. However, because my son got DLA this was enhanced to £350 a month - a huge difference. Universal credit must work in a similar way.
Also when you dig into the financials - dropping say 8 hours a week has surprisingly little impact on take home pay by the time you take into account paying less tax etc. The difference in salary may not he as much as you think.

There is no easy answer, you sound overwhelmed and something has to give.
But take that time out for your own sanity

Solo adopter here and I was in a very similar situation.

I took extended adoption leave then a few months of sick leave after trying to return to work part time.

I eventually gave up work. Only option to save the Adoption. Things are very tight financially and lead to a complete lifestyle change.

But.... things at home are a lot better. I am a different person and now able to deal with AS7's very challenging issues.

It’s very hard going, I work part time and run a small business with very flexible hours to accommodate my DDs various appointments. Can you take some time out just to give yourself time to breathe and work out what you need longer term?

You could reduce your hours by even one day a week, go fully part time and top up with benefits, look at how school/childcare might work.

In your shoes I’d also approach the local authority to explore the possibility of an adoption allowance. It’s fairly rare to get one now but you’ve adopted two children with complex needs, their needs are increasing and what with the therapy appointments etc your capacity for work is going to take a hit. You’ll need to really stand your ground but it’s worth the fight, I was awarded adoption allowance because I adopted 2 siblings with complex needs and it’s been a godsend. At the end of the day, contributing to your finances will be significantly cheaper than a disrupted adoption (not that I’m saying you’re thinking of disrupting but they don’t know that).

Thank you all for all the suggestions. I'm taking it all in and will definitely do some research. We have a meeting with post adoption support today so I will raise this with them.

With regards to my husband going part time, he is already effectively in a job that is part time as its term time only. He enjoys it, he has the mental space for the children. I am, for want of a better phrase, the problem. I work in education and I've reached my limit for now. Every year I think about leaving but I always chicken out. This year I have confirmation that all my worries about my children are valid. The report specifically says that my relationship with the children is suffering.

Unfortunately it's my higher paid work that is doing this. So I'm the one who needs something to change. Problem is, this is my first career so I'm scared of changing.