Bit of help today

[bitofhelptoday]

I’m on the board a lot but I’ve NCed for this.

I need a bit of help today

DS is nearly a teenager and we have been through a lot since he was placed with us. He gets weekly therapy and we’re waiting for a referral for assessment for… basically everything. He is volatile, difficult and can be very aggressive. He is a lot to manage.

Every day seems to bring a new ‘situation’ and it’s exhausting.

Today, I was checking my emails and discovered that he’d accessed my Amazon account without my permission - using my laptop - and he’d ordered a new phone case using my credit card.

I’ve cancelled it - obviously - but I’m interested to know from any parents of teens or preteens how they might go about addressing / disciplining / punishing that as behaviour.

This morning, I am totally out of ideas.

Thank you.

I don’t know if this sounds ok but I wouldn’t necessarily mention it at all. The disappointment of the case not arriving maybe a natural consequence enough. If he mentions it, I would be nonchalant and say something like “I never ordered a new case. I cancelled it. I thought it was fraud.” If he admits to it, I’d have a chat about privacy and how this is fraud and how serious this is (it’s a criminal offence). I personally wouldn’t make too much of a fuss as it seems quite child like (and that’s not to dismiss it). I mean, lots of kids, adopted or not, might try it without any thoughts of the consequences. It might be worth talking to professionals about it though.

How annoying for you. My first thoughts would be not to worry too much- it's unlikely to be the first step down the road to criminality, just poor impulse control. My second thought would be to let the therapist know and see what their advice is on how to handle this. Without knowing the context of your child's wider behaviour or early life experience, it's difficult to advise. But with my child, I would just say something really calm like - "I noticed you'd ordered a new phone case on my account. You know that's against our rules/not okay. I've changed all my passwords and locked down my laptop to help you not do that again. Maybe next time just ask me and we can think of ways you could earn money to get one, or use birthday money etc"
And then I would leave it. There is already a natural consequence - he'll know you're a bit pissed off, he'll know you've lost trust around the laptop, he'll know he's lost the chance of getting the phone case.
In addition to the above, you do need better restrictions on all your devices.

@bitofhelptoday

sounds very tough for you.

to be honest my first through was its just a phone case BUT I get that it feels like the last straw and you don’t want him thinking its OK and the next thing you find he’s spent £500 on playstation.

It is a very common problem though, with both adopted and non adopted kids.

My son went through a phase of taking money and I do seem to remember finding he’d spent several hundred pounds on his xbox.

I think I agree that I wouldnt necessarily make a big deal of it. Thats not to say it should be ignored. If he can sit and listen a conversation about trust and that it is stealing to take someone elses money/card and if he did it outside the house he would be in big trouble.
Does he also understand that a credit card is actual money and not some unlimited magic pot. My son really struggled with that.

I would also be very careful now not to put temptation in his way. Make sure the laptop is locked away, don’t leave your handbag/ purse or money lying around.

With my son it was such a persistent problem that I said if it didnt stop I would have to start locking doors. My doors have old locks with keys which we never use but I made a big deal of finding the keys and putting them in the locks. So he got the message that I was serious.

But I think in the context of everything else its a case of picking your battles.

It's tough when each day brings new challenges and on calm days you wonder, if there is something you just haven't found out about yet. You are not alone. Medication made a huge difference for us.

Like others have said, I would have a conversation and remove temptation. Is this a one off or he is regularly taking things that are not his? Do you have Sarah Naish's "The A to Z of Therapeutic Parenting"? I find it helpful for situations like these.

I agree with having a look at the A-Z book. Sending strength.

Just stopping back to say thank you for the replies and sage advice here. We are on a bit of a rollercoaster here and it really helped to have a bit of considered advice when things were chaotic.

@bitofhelptoday I hope you are ok. Things sound overwhelming

Thank you, @121Sarah121. It can feel overwhelming but we’re lucky that we’re getting help from PAS and we have an assessment on the horizon. It’s just one massive meltdown after the other currently.