Mother's Day

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

I know today can bring up different emotions for everyone on this board, whether it is joy, or loss, or longing, or unease.

This is my 16th, and I think the first year I'm going to feel truly at peace.

I wish you all a peaceful day

Hope you have a lovely day, @UnderTheNameOfSanders

This is my first Mother's day, and our little one is too young to know what's going on so there won't be any issues here. But I'm taking a minute to think of my LO's BM who for all her faults loves her children, and has experienced a terrible loss. I feel like the luckiest mummy in the world, but I know it hasn't come without causing some pain to other people.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders

enjoy your day

I have been presented with a box of lindt salted caramel chocolate and a scented candle - my boy knows me 😆

@Ted27 How do you fancy a kid swap? I’ll even throw in a spare one so you get two for the price of one?!

Another candle fan here; my favourite are NEOM.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders Happy (Extreme) Mothering Sunday to you. I’d love to know the secret to your feeling at peace? 15 years in here and it’s utterly cr*p currently (with DD1).

The peace this year comes from feeling in better place with DD1 (23) after quite a few years of difficulty, and in my own case limited contact since the start of the pandemic. She came round with and a card earlier in the week.

Then DD2 (18) whose MH fell to pieces 3 years ago, is quite a lot better, and actually went into a shop and bought me flowers and a card by herself.

I'm sitting quietly watching Downton reruns (I bought Ballet Shoes from a charity shop but it won't run).

@UnderTheNameOfSanders thank you, your response gives me a glimmer of hope that DD1 and I may have some sort of a positive relationship in the years to come. I’m not sure how long she can remain at home currently.

Is it the Victoria Wood Ballet Shoes film? If so, I think I may have a copy of it. If I can find it, I’d be delighted to post it on to you?

I sincerely hope that you are having a good day?

I was going to say no, the Emma Watson one, but I see from closer inspection Victoria Wood is in it too. That's a very kind offer but I'll find it somewhere, it's next to nothing on Amazon.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders

That's lovely - hope it continues x

@EmmatheStageRat I know you have been wrestling with this a long time. Just wanted to say that in the last year, two of my work colleagues had to take the difficult decision to look for residential placements for their teenagers. They were both devastated but now the dust has settled and they have all adjusted to their new lives, they both say that their relationships with their teens has improved dramatically. They are both able to talk and visit, take them our for the day. One is further along and thinking about weekend stays.
As hard a decision as it was, they both tell me it was best for everyone.

I am a birth mum and Mother’s Day always brings sadness for me. Not only because my son isn’t with me but also because I have lost my own mum.

this year however has been very different, I have a partner whose mum treats me like her own and I was able to spoil her and although I’m not with my eldest child, I am currently in a mother and baby unit with my youngest child, with every hope of bringing them home with me. I am not subject to court proceedings at this time and should all go to plan I won’t be.

Mother’s Day this year was very much bitter sweet. I write this looking at my youngest child who has fallen asleep on me. I spent Mother’s Day feeling very blessed to be a mum again

I hope all parents had a great Mother’s Day and birth parents had a peaceful day. Sending love to you all ❤️

@OurChristmasMiracle

such lovely news. Wishing you and your new baby all the best for the future. Your DP and his family sound lovely too.

@OurChristmasMiracle just to echo @Ted27 I am sending you every good wish for you and your new baby. I sincerely hope that everything works out for the best for both/all of you.

@OurChristmasMiracle Wonderful news re. Your baby. I have always followed your postings with great admiration. As a foster carer I have rehabilitated two babies home to their birth parents as they had managed to turn their lives around. They have gone on from strength to strength over the proceeding years. They had a second chance at motherhood and grasped it with both hands. May you and your little one thrive. Delighted that you have a new partner who can offer you that extended family support.

So far it’s been difficult but we are making progress. I’m sad to see the difference between the parenting my eldest son received and the parenting that my youngest is receiving. There is masses of difference and it shows in our bond, in his security and in his development. He’s growing so fast and he’s reaching all his milestones (sometimes earlier than expected!) he’s a very clever happy contented little boy and not because he’s learnt that mummy doesn’t come when I cry but because mummy sees his getting hungry so goes to put the kettle on so when he wakes or gets to the point of crying the bottle is already ready. Mummy comforts him, and cuddles him and kisses him- all things that I couldn’t do with my eldest. I talk to him, read to him- and he likes making noises and trying to “talk” as best as a baby can when I’m reading to him. I get down on the floor and do tummy time, I shake rattles and encourage him to grab anything that is not my hair- which i am now tying up in a bun most of the time!

he’s a precious little bundle and it makes me sad that I couldn’t be this mum to my eldest but also hopeful that I can be the mum that my eldest needed and deserved to my youngest.

ive already started to show photos to my youngest of my eldest as he will always know about his brother, and hopefully one day meet him. My eldest is not and will never be a secret. He is my first born, my first heartbeat and will always be in my heart and on my mind- having a new baby doesn’t change that, but the pain of losing my first has (I hope) shaped me to be a good mum to my youngest.

I am and will always be grateful for the support I have received here and will continue to update you all on how it is going- hopefully with the positive news that me and baby are home together- although I think we may need a much bigger form of transport back- he seems to be accumulating extra toys, books etc which I have no idea where they come from. He just gets random deliveries which mummy has definitely not placed online for him to receive. No not mummy!

@OurChristmasMiracle I am so so happy to hear your news. Wishing you and your little one all the very best.

Me and DD had a difficult Mother’s day as my own mum has recently died and I felt her loss so acutely yesterday. Hearing your news has brought a smile to my face.

@OurChristmasMiracle I'm so happy things are going well for you and you are getting a second chance. My DC's BM is also getting that opportunity and also is doing well.

@OurChristmasMiracle when we were preparing to adopt I read lots of your posts. This is such a beautiful update. Wishing you the very best, and both of your children.

Hi @OurChristmasMiracle I am so happy to hear how things are going with you.

I read so many of your posts in the months when I was getting ready to apply for adoption. It really helped me to empathise so much with birth parents.

Please update us on how things go.

There was another birth mother who posted a lot but has disappeared. I hope she is ok. Her mumsnet name included the words darkriver @Ted27 will remember her.

X

@Chocapple
yes I remember darkriver, she’e not been around for a while.

@OurChristmasMiracle
you can’t change the past, but the future is there for the making.
I wish my son’s mum had had the strength to do what you have done, instead she went on to have two more children and lost both. Four sons lost.

I don’t know if this well help you but I will share. When my son was about 10/11 his behaviour started to detriorate. We had life story therapy from 12 to 14. He learnt a lot about mental health, drug and alcohol abuse, he learnt that his mum has also been in care, and her mum before her. He understood why his mum’s life had led to where he was. For want of a better word he ‘forgave’ her.
If SWs would have supported us, we would have met her.
His attitude only changed with the birth of the other two children, 10 years after him and his brother. The last child had a big effect on him. In one month last year, the third child went to his adoptive family and she gave birth to the fourth who was removed immediately.
His attitude was essentially why hasnt she learnt, why has she done this to another child.
Your eldest son will see a different picture. I’m not saying it will be easy for him, but with the right support I believe he will understand.
For me, I believe that most birth parents are not ‘bad’ people. Just people with a lot of problems.
You have worked so hard, you always were a good mum, you acted in what you believed to be the best interests of your child. You now get the chance to be a great mum to your new baby - and I think you are going to be fantastic mum.

Enjoy every second.

What a lovely post @Ted27

*@OurChristmasMiracle I just wanted to add my gentle and bittersweet congratulations to those of others. I wish you all the best, the love you have for your son(s) has always shined through in your posts.

For me mothers days is always tinged with sadness, the sadness that my dd's birth mum, my friend is not here any longer. She made hideous mistakes, but I loved her and I miss her still.
My eldest dd now has a MA, has a brilliant job and she and her lovely fiancé are expecting a baby - my first grandchild - and I'm not 40 yet! I am so proud I could burst, and she is so happy.
But on Mother's Day I always take a minute to thank my dd's birth mum and remember her, who she was before the drugs.

Thank you all for your kind words. My littlest is currently asleep and is growing and developing so fast! He’s already trying to sit up and commando crawl and grabbing things! I keep telling him he can’t run before he can crawl but he has other ideas! He has his 2nd injections this week which causes me a little worry because he got an infection at one of the injection sites last time.

I am so glad to hear how other people view birth parents and how their own children are doing.

@Ted27 I have thought a lot about how my older son may feel and I know he may swing from side to side- he may be happy he has a sibling and that I sorted my life out, but he also may be resentful and hurt that I couldn’t do that for him and be the mum he needed me to be. I have already asked for support in how I go about sharing the information as sensitively as possible whilst still allowing my eldest to be aware of the youngest early. I am also already showing my youngest photos of his older brother and will continue to do so and he will know about his brother.

@OurChristmasMiracle our children’s birth mum has since had two more children who she has been able to keep in her care. Our children to date are ok with it. We explain that when they were born their birth mum was much younger and just was not able to make good choices but as she has got older she was able to make better decisions. We do have direct contact with her twice and year and so they have met their siblings a number of times. In the early days they were worried that the younger babies were maybe not safe. We have also explained that she was very sad that she could not look after them and loosing them made her more determined to change as she did not want to be that sad again. Through the contact and our conversations our children clearly understand that she loves them very much, but she just could not make the changes at that time, that does not take away from the love that she had and still has for them. I am not doing to lie I have no idea about the long term impact this may have on them as they grow older and I am sure we will have to revisit it. I hope your birth son will be supported to understand the difference with the passing of time. Certainly I am sure from your letters he will a knowledge that you love him fiercely.