Ex partners & adoption

[Rockfallallday]

Hello,

I'm really sorry to put this as my first post - I've been reading here for a while and finally worked up the courage to post a thread!

I'm a bit nervous, myself and my partner are at the very beginning of the adoption process, we've spoken to a few agencies and our local authority and we think we have a preference for which we would like to take our application forward.

I have a concern, that I've been very open with in my discussions with the agencies around an ex partner. Around 11 years ago I was in a relationship that probably lasted around 18 months, we never lived together and there were no children or childcare in that relationship.

Basically my ex was troubled and a variety of things happened which were really quite distressing (emotional manipulation, severing me from my friends and it culminated in me being threatened with really very extreme violence) after I left the relationship (with the support of a domestic violence charity) my ex insisted we were still in a relationship and continued threatening behaviour towards me until he eventually met someone else and they got married. At the last time we had contact (10 years ago) he insisted that we had been in a relationship for 5 years.

Unfortunately I never got police involved and the support from the domestic violence charity was fairly anonymous over the phone (but was very helpful).

Essentially I have no 'hard evidence' of this experience, as I was seperated from my friends during the relationship I've moved on entirely, new job, new friends, new life. I obviously want to be as open and honest as possible with the agency and wondered if anyone would be comfortable sharing experiences about anything similar? I'd really appreciate it, thanks in advance

Can you say a bit about what your worry is? Social workers are very used to dealing with difficult/abusive ex-partners and know the dynamics. I can’t think they would need to contact him after that amount of time (though some will for completeness sake), there’s not much he’s be able to contribute about your current life and people change over the course of 11 years.

Be open with workers in your assessment, explain your concerns to them about his past behaviour/any concerns that contacting him might rattle a cage better left alone. Everyone has something/someone in their background that is less than ideal, social workers are used to dealing with that.

Good luck with the process.

Just don’t mention him as an ex partner

@Fedupnowhadenough I don't feel like that's great advice. How can the social workers do their assessment properly and provide the correct report without all the information? Also how can OP have a proper relationship with her SW if she's hiding something?

OP, what did the agencies say when you brought this up? I don't have any related experience, but when I was at our information evening someone asked what how far back would they go when contacting ex partners. When the SWs responded 10 years you could hear a collective sigh of relief in the room!

Do you have no contact with any friends you had at the time of this relationship? Or a family member? Could they provide a reference? To be honest I'd be surprised if they wanted to contact an ex that you didn't live with or have children with.

@Fedupnowhadenough given the partner was abusive it would be very unwise to just not mention it. Social work need to know about previous trauma in prospective adopters, it’s an ideal opportunity to evidence the OP acting to protect herself (points to protective behaviours if a child is placed), gives the OP the opportunity to explore how she sets boundaries, deals with stress, seeks help etc etc. There’s also the very practical issue of this guy reappearing at some point and victimising the OP in future and how she might deal with that.

I’d be much more concerned about concealing an old abusive relationship than the fact of the relationship itself.

Thank you so much for the responses,

I don't think I should hold this information back - I want to be completely truthful about the entire episode, it is one of those situations that changes your life quite dramatically and I think oy would be very misleading not to at least discuss that it happened.

I have a couple of concerns; first is that I went to some pretty extreme lengths so he couldn't find me again (new job, new house, changed all my contact details) and he may, getting a letter or phonecall related to me, decide to reappear at some stage which would be very difficult to handle and I think be quite risky. The second is that he might make something up about our relationship (he was good at playing the victim) that might stop me from adopting.

I'm in contact with my family, the only person I mentioned things to that I'm still in contact with is my mum, and even then she knows some but not all of what went on. I don't know if they would view a parent as too close to give an opinion?

@Rockfallallday

as you yourself recognise its the sensible thing to do to be open about the relationship and what happened subsequently.
but to be honest I wouldnt worry too much about social workers getting into contact with him.
it was a significant time ago, quite short lived, no children, explain you went to extreme lengths to hide yourself from him. So you therefore do not have contact details for him - You have not heard from him in 11 years, no phone numbers, no address, no facebook etc etc.
Now I’m fairly sure SWs do not have time to play private investigator to hunt him down.
I had no contact details for my ex and it wasn’t an issue.

I think you will be fine- don’t let him stop you

There will be a very thorough digging through and sifting of your past life and all relationships before the current one. So yes, you will need to reveal your past with ex.

It's not a negative. Parenting is demanding, and adoption can be tough. So your past experience of coping with stress/ problems/difficult relationships/ conflicts/ etc are an advantage; you've been tried and tested and survived and thrived. You're well qualified to understand and support a child from a difficult past.

@Rockfallallday others may correct me but since you can evidence how abusive the historical relationship was, and how potentially dangerous your ex-partner was and potentially still is, it is highly unlikely that social workers would want to track down your ex to speak to him for a reference. I understand that social workers are keen to speak to previous partners when there are children in the mix. Let’s face it, whose ex would really give any of us a glowing review!

Personally, I would think that you could use your own experience of domestic abuse and coercive control in a relationship to demonstrate your awareness of the types of backgrounds that children in the care system come from. Also, you have amply demonstrated your resilience in turning your life around, leaving a toxic relationship and rebuilding a good and positive life with a supportive and functional partner.

@Rockfallallday my wife had the same experience with her ex, almost identical, the social workers are very experienced at being able to identify the truth vs the lies. And they will tell you that no one likes having to contact their ex and it's not a very pleasant task but it has to be done, and the process won't progress without your ex's reference or at least an attempt and proof of your attempt to obtain it.
My wife didn't get a reference from him despite him emotionally manipulating her again and again after 10 years separated!! That he will be doing it. The social work saw that side of him via texts and trying to call him. And eventually it was closed as 'unable to obtain' and they then risk asses from other information they have.

Your social worker will end up knowing you better than you know yourself so don't worry about your ex. They have a risk assessment procedure for all references, even work ones that they don't get back, they use other resources and information about you to work out your risks as adopters. They have horror stories about ex partners and trying to get them involved with the reference!

I also wanted to add about the part you mentioned that might put you at risk, they will explore that. Because obviously they don't want the potential for any new child of yours to be exposed to toxic behaviours so they will explore if getting a reference is a potential safe guarding issue for both you and future children.

None of this should prevent you from adopting! It just means your stages are a bit slower because more fact finding an assessment needs to be done