Transracial adoption

[DIYpanda]

I know this has been a hot topic for many years, transracial adoption ( a family adopting a child of a different race,) but we are untypical in that we are a mixed couple where we have the opportunity to adopt a white child.

My partner is black and we have a biracial child born by donor egg, after many many failed IVF cycles.

We always thought we'd adopt, even before we started IVF, if we wanted more than one child. When we decided to expand our family, we were open to any race of child, we were advised we should look for a child younger than our son (whose 6)

While we are thrilled to have a chance to adopt a toddler, part of me worries about all the issues transracial adoption can bring up- for example a black man with a 2 year old white child and police being called, confused (racially biased) people thinking the child is in danger, staring in restaurants ,etc, constantly being confronted by racists why they have a white child with them. All these things have been reported by black parents who adopt a white child. It doesn't seem to happen the other way around, people assume white parent with black or asian child is just adopted.

My black partner can take all of this, and is prepared for it, but I do worry what impact will this have on the child, and also my son and my husband.

There's also the impact for my biracial son of having a white mother doting over a white child. He's already experienced racism (name calling in a playground) We live in diverse London too. Like many biracial children, we've had to explain and soothe them from an early age when they ask questions why they look different to mummy and even daddy, our biracial son has much lighter skin than his father and straighter hair, more North European features, but he is obviously mixed race.

Adoption is all about the child, and no doubt we would provide a loving home, but maybe because the child is from the dominant culture , no-one but seems concerned about this.

Any advice from those who have adopted a child from another race could give, would be greatly received. The whole 'system' seems geared to help prepare white families to adopt non-white children, not much out there (in the UK at least) for our situation of black parent and white adopted child.

Hi I'm a white mum with a mixed race son. His birth mum.is white, dad is African.
I agree with much of what you have written. Apart from saying the system is geared towards helping white families adopt non white children rather than vice versa. But because I don't think much preparation goes on at all. Most social workers really don't understand the real issues. They bang on about hair care, music, food etc - all relevant but easily dealt with. In my view the most difficult things to deal with is dealing with the ingrained racism you come across eg the euro centricity of the school curriculum. Interestly at matching panel one of the questions I was asked was would I take him to 'Africa'. I'd travelled a lot in Africa so that was really a non issue. Our adoption order took a long time, he had seen my photos etc front my trips and was desperate to go. I had some time before I went back to work so decided a trip to Gambia would be a great idea. The howls of objections I got from the SW about lack of electricity, doctors, food- you name it was astounding. I stood my ground and we went. But the whole episode just showed to me the lack of understanding about the culture they wanted me to promote.
To be honest I've had very little reaction to him being black. If people assume anything its that l have a black partner or when they know he is adopted, assume I've done a Madonna and adopted a poor little African child, not one from a leafy English shire county.
Transracial adoption is still very rare, and white kids adopted by black families is even rarer. I'm not convinced this is an inherently racist thing - it's more a numbers game.
We live in a overwhelmingly predominantly white country. Most prospective adopters are white, most children needing adoption are also white so there is no difficulty placing them with white families. Its a different story for black or Asian kids where there is a shortage of BME adopters. So the kids wait.
This was the situation with my son. I never set out to adopt a black child. He was 7 when I found him- dangerously close to being considered too old to be adopted. No other family ,of any ethnicity stepped forward for him. So the options for him were me or long term foster care. I think I was the better option.
You raise very valid points about how you would be perceived as a family. But you could have several birth children with your partner and they could turn out a range of different skin colours.
I think the decision for you is whether you really want to deal with the difficulties the race issues will present. The issue about how your existing child may perceive it is interesting and should be considered - but its only one aspect of what you need to consider in adding an adopted sibling into the mix, whatever their ethnicity.
You can make it work- if you want to.
But the central question is - is this the right child for your family - and their ethnicity is a part of that.

We are also an interracial couple. Found that whenever transracial adoption is discussed there's an implicit assumption that it's white adopters adopting black or mixed heritage (again, assume black and white) children. At least where we live though perhaps that varies in different parts of the country. We had to smile and nod through some of the conversations and just try and work it out for ourselves.

There's a charming French film called Il a deja tes yeux (he even has your eyes) about a black couple adopting a white baby. It pokes a bit of fun at the hypocrisies in the way transracial adoption is viewed and also shows the racism the couple experience through the process, from social services and their friends/family. I think there's a follow up tv series as well about the child growing up though I've not seen that.

Thanks @Confusernme , I'll check out the film! and @Ted27 thanks for sharing your experience. I thought given all the research about transracial adoption that at least white families were given better direction adopting black/mixed race kids!

I think from a white parent point of view, having a mixed race child and a white child wouldn't raise an eyebrow where we live in London. But I can honestly say, even I would look twice if I saw a little blonde girl with a black man, because its so unusual.

Husband is very middle classed, likes opera and high art, his parents are middle classed, from the Caribbean, all of his friends are white, (but he's very proud of his heritage) so from a culture point of view, it isn't a leap having a white child. Its an unexpected situation as we always expected to be given a mixed/black child as we always thought the lack of mixed /black adopters, agencies would bite our hands off to place black/mixed race child.

I think what you're both saying is we have to work this out ourselves, and SW, the 'system' aren't going to be much help. We are willing to put in the hard work, our son is very easy going , so we know we've had it easy with child raising, but his easy going nature should mean a new family member hopefully works well.

@DIYpanda

Well things may have changed since I adopted 11 years ago but somehow I doubt it.
You sound utterly sensible to me, thinking about it, asking the questions- which I think for any issue affecting an adoption is absolutely the right thing to do. It's the people who don't question before who end up struggling most.
Yes you will work it out. Where you live, in your local community, schools etc people will know you and your family and accept you for who you are. It may influence some life decisions - I'd never move to a leafy, rural village with no other black people for example.
Lastly - remember that there will be reasons why the SWs think this is a good match for the child.
Important as it is, ethnicity is only one factor

We are also a transracial family (both parents white, both children from an ethnic minority). We thought about adopting a third child for a while and I would not have considered a white child. Your son might find himself in situations in which people think your white child is your birth child and he is adopted, or that they are have different fathers for instance. I think it adds a level of complexity and nosiness that you need to think about and be very conscious of.

I have to say though that we are rarely ever asked in London. When I am out and about with my kids, people assume their father is brown or black. My children think adoption was the best thing that ever happened to them, so even when people ask, it is not much of an issue. That will be different for some other children, could change with time and will be different in situations in which one of the children is a birth child though. It definitely needs to be thought about.

creatingafamily.org/adoption-category/transracial-adoption-twist-black-parents-adopting-white-kids/

Thanks so much @Ted27 you're right, ethnicity is one factor

Thanks @onlytherain what a lovely thing for your kids to say! If the child feels loved and the experience of starting a new life is positive, thats a complete success, I would love to hear that from any new child of ours. Thanks for the link, great reading.

Hi

Very interesting reading, we are foster cares (Black Muslim) , and have a white baby for the last 2 years since he was 3 months. After the judges as decided that he will be going for adoption, we put our self forward to see if we could adopt, at every turn it felt like local authority didn't want us to adopt. Now they have decided that we are not cultural match so cant adopt. We have told them we would do everything in our power for him to be in touch with the British/ Religious connection, we feel really deflated after hearing the news as he is part of the family and the upset that will cause him when he does part with us is heart breaking. Not sure how to take this forward now.

@London007

I thought foster carers could apply directly to court if the child has been with you for more than a year

That's weird never hear that before and no ones mentioned it , is that a thing ?

Hi, yes that's my understanding too that after 1 year foster carers can apply directly. I don't have any direct experience but there was a recent episode of the Adoption and fostering podcast and this solicitor was a guest, she said that after adoption crisis/breakdown the biggest number of cases they dealt with was foster carers seeking to adopt the children placed with them

https://ridleyandhall.co.uk/our-team/sarah-brown/

Hello OP,
I have two sons (both adopted) who are both mixed race, in simple terms, one appears mixed black & white while one appears Middle Eastern. I myself am white, and I can tell you that living in a very diverse area of London, having two children who do not physically resemble each other does still draw comment!

The most common is ‘are they brothers then?’ or ‘are they both yours?’ or ‘and the dad…?’ It is not generally overtly offensive but obviously is a micro aggression.

I would recommend a Transracial Adoption Support group I am a member of which meet over zoom- I can DM you if you are interested.

Something we have found useful (sounds weird) is dressing the boys the same (not to excess, but matching coats for example). This helps in a variety of situations, such as avoiding uncomfortable conversations about which ones are ours, but also building a sense of their sibling relationship. As they are biological brothers, we emphasise the lovely features they have in common and different too, but this could also be done with children who had different genes.

As well as thinking about race, I would really recommend focusing on all the ways you would build a sibling bond between your two children, both based on appearance and on other factors.

My son who is of Middle Eastern appearance was fostered by a wonderful black man and he sadly did face a number of stares and challenges for having a much child with him who did not look like him.

I think you've thought of most of the issues, you sound thoughtful and reflective, which is what's needed.

You're right to expect little from social workers. Our experience was that SWs were keen to colour match, and had no idea that ethnicity might be more than the colour of your skin, and only thought in broad colour groups. So we are from an ethnic minority, but was allowed to adopt a child of a different ethnicity to us, but broadly similar skin colour. Not at all, of you're aware of these things, but to SWs, it's close it enough.

They had very little understanding of what it means to be part of a minority group, identity within that, etc.

I'm mixed race, adopted a child who is also mixed race (different mix, but we are both half white English and our other halves are from the same continent).

I think people who aren't white will be able to see we aren't the same race/mix but not most white people (where I live is very predominantly white).
This is because throughout all my entire life white people have tried/guessed my race and have never got it right, whereas people of colour especially from 'my' continent can pick out my race/mix.

I am single & I was very happy to consider adopting a child of any race, as I could have gotten away with people assuming the absent father/partner was providing the DNA I was lacking. But I was also aware that if the race of the child was black/mixed-black or SE Asian then I was going to be fielding questions (and so would my AC) for their entire childhood - possibly life.

It's a consideration.
It removes your privacy as an adoptive family and could be a cause of irritation/bullying/hostility you name it, and could be an extra difficultly to your adoption.
I want my child/me to decide who knows they are adopted. Not have strangers questioning/demanding an explanation. Especially as I'm not the most diplomatic when irritated and wouldn't want to upset my AC further with my impatience with the subject (I've done my time with "no, where are you really from..." etc etc)

When I was matched with my child I was relieved they are a close enough racial match that we could fly under the radar if we wished and not have to tell every shopkeeper/bus driver/school-gate parent our adoption story.
It also means if I ever do have a partner in the future chances are we would 'look' like a family and not get the unwelcome questions/stares/double takes.

I'll be honest, and I speak as a mixed-race person who loves the UK and London especially, race is still a massive factor (as you know) and I'd be a bit gutted in your shoes because I personally like the anonymity of my AC looking like me (at the moment, they may not when they are older) and I think your situation (with your DH & DS to consider as well) there's lots to consider.

I can't advise because I don't have a crystal ball as to if this is the right match for you all but hopefully my ramblings add something!

As a PP has said, there likely will be other factors linking you to the child.
When I assumed I was selected for my AC because of our mixed race connection (I live in a very white area, with mostly white children being adopted) it was actually other factors that the agency considered a strength in our match & the reason they put us together for. So I'd be asking the agency, why this child for your family?

Then you will start to build up an idea about the child outside of the race factor, and be able to start to think about if you feel you are the right family for them.
You sound wonderful and I'm sure it will work out the way it should, good luck with it all, whatever the outcome.