First steps in learning about adoption in the UK?

[knitpurlrepeat]

I hope this is okay to post here. DP and I have been together for many years (both in our late 30s) and are coming to terms with our infertility. DH has brought up adoption several times. My initial reading made me skeptical about whether it would be the right fit for us as DP didn't have a great childhood and I worry that many of the situations the children have been in and the (rightly so) very deep level of questioning that people go through before adopting would be triggering for him. But recently he has said a few things that make me think that this wouldn't actually be an issue – he seems very interested in the idea and I'm also coming around to it. DP would make an amazing dad and I want to be a mum so much.

We don't really know anything about adoption though and I would like to find out more about the whole process and where to start. For context, we are based in London, we own our own home and have plenty of space for a child, and we both have lots of love to give. We don't, however, have a very strong support network of family (DP is not close to his family, and my family live far away) – I'm not sure if this would work against us in the process? I have spent quite a bit of time looking after my sister's four children as newborns and toddlers, so do have some experience here (she has happily left them in my care alone even at just a week old). I would really love to find out more about the process of adopting a baby in the UK – I very much want to have the experience of the 'baby stages' (although I know that this is difficult as I believe the average age of children who are adopted is 3?) Where would we start in terms of our journey? I've read about 'foster to adopt' which seems to be the place to begin if we would like to adopt a baby, although this also sounds like it has the potential to be completely heartbreaking...

I just have no idea what is reputable or how the process works at all, and was hoping that MN might have some guidance. I'd also love to hear from anyone who has adopted young babies, both positive and negative experiences. I just want to make sure that if we do this, we are doing the right thing for the child and we are suited to be adoptive parents.

As an update, I've also looked briefly into international adoption and there seems to be one agency in the UK dealing with international adoptions. Does anyone here have any experience of international adoption? On their website, it says they have agreements with six countries and I am most interested in Bulgaria as it is close enough to the UK that an adopted child could continue to have a relationship with their birth country (visits, learning about the culture / language etc) which I feel would be important? (although I may be totally misguided here – as I mentioned this is very early stages for us)

Any advice would be so appreciated.

Hi, I am an adoptive mum to a nearly 18 month old. She has been home with us 4 months and is amazing! Though parenting is hard!

The adoption process usually negins with you attending an information evening, and then there will be an initial visit from a social worker where they'll go through everything briefly. From there you'll begin the assessment properly. This is a 2 stage process, where they'll look at everything - family history, health, finances, employment, reasons for wanting to adopt, attitudes to parenting, understanding of the impact of trauma.

After the assessment is approval panel, like an interview of sorts (but you'll be well prepared for it by then). Assuming you are approved they then start matching, which is looking for the right child. Here I'll just say that adoption is about looking for a family for a child, not the other way around. However if a child isn't right for you, then you aren't the right parents for them.

When a child is identified there will be meetings with social workers, a paediatrician, potentially any other professionals involved, the Foster carer. If its decided this is the right link, you'll have matching panel, followed by introductions, where you gradually spend more and more time with the child until they move in.

@ScottishBeth Thank you so much for the reply! That's lovely to hear that everything is going well with your little one.

Can I ask how you know which information evening to attend? Do you attend the LA evening? Or are there options?

Sorry. I don't know if you needed to know all that!

In terms of where to start I would recommend looking for some local agencies and arranging to attend information sessions. You don't need to have made a decision about whether you want to do early permanence yet - that is something they'll talk about in the session, and you can explore with your social worker.

I would also suggest doing some reading around the subject of adoption. There are loads of good books that'll give loads of information.

In terms of adopting a baby, we decided against foster to adopt because of the risk - I don't think I would have been able to handle it. On the other hand lots of people do it. It's a decision you have to make once you know a bit more.

Of course we have missed out on the real baby stage. But our little girl took her first steps with us, and is only now just starting to talk. There are still loads of firsts, and lots of opportunities for snuggles!

In terms of your partner's history, this would be explored in the assessment, but a bad childhood won't exclude him, as long as he can show he'd be a good parent.

I've said loads, but I hope this helps!

Haha! Cross Post!

Our LA had joined with other authorities to make a larger agency. We didn't really look anywhere else. I imagine there will be similar in London.

I think Barnardos do it as well? And there might be other charities. But to be honest I'm not sure.

My baby girl year old came home a year ago and is currently singing Jingle bells in her cot while she's meant to be going to sleep!she was 18 months when she arrived (not foster to adopt) but still very much a baby and you baby them so much at the start I don't feel I missed her baby time.i always recommend joining adoption UK's prospective adopter zoom meet ups as they are so helpful (just support not assessment) and watching all their webinars.a good book to start might be Sally donovons no matter what but there's a whole loads to read and learn that just order everything you can from the library? A and f podcast is also really good and Molly mama adopt and Aimee vlog on you tube also helpful.good luck!

Hi! I've known adopters who have had very difficult childhoods. It will absolutely be discussed during assessment but a good social worker should help to put your partner at ease and will go at their pace.

I highly recommend that you check out MollyMamaAdopt and Aimee Vlog on YouTube to learn more about the adoption process. They talk about their own journeys and cover all the basics of the process.

One of the best things for you and your partner to do is to get ahead with adoption research. There is a social worker who shares brilliant resources here: www.instagram.com/adoption.resources.uk/ and you could also sign up to Adoption UK to access their full webinar library, which covers a lot of different topics. Having an idea about the sort of topics covered and issues that adopted children may face would help your partner to understand what areas will be covered during training. It would allow them to assess how they feel after accessing different materials. If you then decide to proceed with adoption that would stand you in good stead.

youcanadopt.co.uk is helpful to look at and has an agency finder. Have a look at the agencies available to you, check out their websites and attend as many information evenings as you like! See who makes you feel comfortable. I would definitely look at any local RAAs (Regional Adoption Agencies). You are not tied to an agency until you sign their forms to enter you into Stage One.

It is possible to adopt a baby outside of F2A/EPP but if you want a young baby then it is something you are going to want to do a lot of research around. I don't know much about international adoption except it is very expensive and time consuming.

Support network can include friends, neighbours and even other adopters. Not everyone needs to be close at hand but it is important to have some people around you that you can rely on. Think about what you would do if you had a child and there was an emergency or if you were both ill and needed help. There is practical help and then there is emotional support. An important question might be who would your partner turn to if they were struggling emotionally because they found something triggering. It's just something to have a think about :-) Support networks change over time anyway so don't worry about it!

You have got very good advice already. I would recommend going to information evenings of different agencies (voluntary, local authority) to get a feel for them. You can go to as many as you like. You might want to look at Coram and Family Futures in London and a local authority near you (it doesn't have to be yours). Always enquire about post-adoption support. I would go with the agency with which you had the best chemistry. That's what we did and it was one of our best decisions ever.

www.familyfutures.co.uk/adoption/the-adoption-process/

www.adoptionukforum.org/topic/a7e76f8d-f8a9-4161-bf80-9c0c674e7155

Hiya
We have done FTA twice and I'm a huge advocate for it because of the early permanence for the child as it gives them so much stability from (almost) day one.
There absolutely are risks but they're calculated risks as you find out a LOT of information before going ahead. For us the risks were around health as the legal side was very clear cut.
We had to do some birth family contact in the early days but we didn't ever see the birth family (we did meet them at a later stage which again I'd recommend if appropriate). Ultimately there is nothing we don't know about our two. Both our little ones are thriving and we're having the best time as a family.
Feel free to ask more and I'll try and answer what I can x

Hi Reny, hope you don't mind me asking, has the agency given you any information on whether the bio parents had any addictions, alcoholism, particularly during the pregnancy?

Hi
Yes we got a significant amount of information about both parents, their health, backgrounds, lifestyles, reason for the baby being removed and any info the SW had about the pregnancy etc. We made an incredibly well informed decision. Our SW told us everything she knew and she got further information from the hospital when we asked for it (baby was born early and there was some medical terms we didn't understand).

Thank you Remy!

@Remy7 thank you so much for posting. What was it like to meet the birth family? I feel like this would be a potentially heartbreaking experience... How old are yours now and do they/you have ongoing contact with the birth family? Did you have a good sense that the FTA would go through? Or were you advised that it was likely to be successful? I just don't know how I would cope if it didn't.. (I hope none of these questions are too invasive - please feel free to not answer any of them!)

Hiya
I can't answer some of your questions on here as it's a public forum sorry.
Most FTA placements will include an element of birth family contact which is determined by the courts. This takes place during the fostering stage, after another court decision the family will be offered a final contact then it will stop as it becomes an adoption placement (assuming this is all safe / appropriate for the child etc).
Meeting the birth family was one of the best things we did. It made them real people to us and means we have a memory to tell our little ones about when they're older. It was only shirt but we asked a few questions.
We were given a lot of info from social services so it was clear to us that the FTA outcome would be successful but no one ever made us any promises. I still cried with relief / joy / love when I found out that the judge agreed they should stay in our care.
xx

@knitpurlrepeat we didn't do FTA but we did have a one off meeting with birth parents, which was really positive. We asked them some questions (nothing deep, but still important - right or left handed, and holiday traditions, hobbies when they were children. We tried to think of things our child might want to know). And they asked a few questions of us.

The meeting was really good. We are planning to do annual letterbox with them both and having met has given a good foundation for an ongoing relationship. I think birth parents felt really reassured after the meeting as well.

Hi new to this group.
My partner and I have tried to conceive for 6 years and have tried ivf too. After failed ivf recently, we are currently thinking of adopting, but maybe newborns. So we get a feel of the start of parent hood.

Any advice would be helpful

I always advise joining adoption UK as they have awesome webinars and prospective adopter zoom meet ups,they are really helpful.and a good starting book is no matter what by Sally Donovon.