17 month old constantly hitting me!

[ScottishBeth]

I know this is developmentally normal but it is so wearing! She's had breakfast and then started playing with her kitchen. She brought some fake food and was sat on my lap and we were pretending to eat, and dancing to the music and chatting, then she just whacked me with a wooden cucumber.

It doesn't normally hurt as she's so little, though sometimes when she's using something or catches in the right place it does. But it is so constant. And the vast majority of the time it's me.

Sometimes it's in anger but usually not. If it was in response to being told no or something I think I would understand it more. But this morning I've just had to ruin my partner's lie in as I'm just so upset by it.

I don't know how to handle it. Sometimes I can turn it into a high 5 but not always. If I say kind hands or similar it just seems so ineffectual. If I say no hitting a bit more sternly she sometimes starts to cry and gets really distressed. And obviously I dont want her to be upset. There are no obvious triggers.

She is 17 months old, has been with us a little over 3 months and is so clever and funny and adorable. I think (and social workers agree) that she is settling well, though we're all aware that it is a long process.

I feel a bit silly posting but honestly it is so constant. When we're at home it can be several times just in a morning. And she's not like this with my partner or anyone else. Everything I look at online it's about aggressive behaviour, but it doesn't feel aggressive.

If I say no hitting a bit more sternly she sometimes starts to cry and gets really distressed. And obviously I dont want her to be upset. There are no obvious triggers.

Of course you don’t want her upset, but you also don’t want her to hit you. I’d continue to redirect where you can, if there are no obvious triggers it may be a habit she’s gotten into.

What’s her communication like generally, could she be getting frustrated or be trying to get your attention? You could look at baby sign language or Makaton to support communication which might lessen the hitting.

I wouldn’t worry too much about an occasional stern word, we all have our limits and assuming it’s not your first form of response, she’ll be ok. It’s important to set boundaries now, before you know it she’ll be big enough to hurt when she hits.

We had a lot of biting, hitting, pinching in the first few months and it really got me down. I remember our SW and other people going on about using gentle hands and feeling like it was so pointless, but actually it just took them a while to get it. The hitting in frustration carried on for quite a while longer, but random hitting and biting eased off once they got the hang of gentle hands and I think just developed better control generally which comes with time/development. So just wanted to say don't give up with kind hands, practice doing the stroking hands when she's calm as well as when she needs to stop hitting, and it will come eventually.

We had this and it is really rubbish but is developmently normal and they all do it. she needs to learn it's not ok,ours was like on trying to get attention or just not even knowing what to do rather than aggression mostly too,don't worry she will learn.we had zero tolerance of hitting,picked her up on it every time,had to move car seats positions so she couldn't hit the others etc.every time calmly repeating it's not ok its owey etc,teach her a different way to get attention,such as hugging herself means she wants a hug for example worked for us.we found it so rubbish and spoke to health visitor about it.we watched you tube stuff with her about gentle hands,directed her alot on what hands were used for and use your pace,make it playful,be curious as to why she might be doing it and use it as a positive to help your emotions labeling so she gets to understand her feelings.eg 'waait, remember hands are not for hitting!what are they for?hummm high fives?holding things,tickles ....I wonder if you hit mummy because I said it was time for bed?did that make you cross maybe because you don't want to go to bed?I know how that feels, sometimes I want to keep playing with you instead of going to bed,but I also know we'd get tired!and being tired can make us cross and that's no fun.do you think you did hitting because you might be tired as well as cross?hitting not ok is it,it makes people owey.what could you do when you are cross that is ok and doesn't make people owey?ooo I know!cross face!can you do big eyebrows?then you can show mummy your cross without doing hitting'. I know that's about crispness but you get the idea!no tolerance but in a pace way?lots of touching of hands as you do it maybe?

Crossness not crispness sorry!

We had hitting too. It's so tough. I remember reading that responses like, "kind hands," can be confusing for very little ones as it's almost like you are labelling the hitting as "kind hands," and it's sometimes more effective to say, a firm but calm, "hands do not hit." Then follow this us with, "Show me gentle hands," then moddel soft hands on their arm or face (if they tolerate that) and if not on a dolly or teddy or on your own arm. X

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for your responses, there's a lot to work with there. I will have a think about all of this and look for some videos to watch about gentle hands. It's also good to hear that this is totally normal (and also normal for me to struggle with it!) Whenever I googled it would talk about aggression, but she's not aggressive.

@Jellycatspyjamas her communication is pretty good. Her understanding is excellent and she generally is very much able to indicate what she wants. Though obviously there are times when we have absolutely no idea! I have thought about Makaton but it is all pretty overwhelming!

We've had hitting too, mostly at me. It's tough as it's not usually being naughty I think it's for attention. What has started to work for us is to say no calmly (sometimes I'll say that hurts me or I don't like that), put him down and stop whatever nice thing we were doing so he makes the association between the behaviour and my response. He responds much better to a warning now (usually just my tone of voice).
Hope things get better for you, and be reassured that it is a normal toddler behaviour for the most part x

I think basic makaton is so helpful,we use Mr tumble and DD loves it, thankyou and sorry are used so much so defo think it's a good move help them get their thoughts heard.

@remy7 What do you do if after you say no and put him down he starts crying? It's all such a minefield!

@tonyhawks23 we watch Something Special, which she likes, but I don't get how to translate that into her and us using it.

Sometimes he does cry, he needs to know I'm not happy at his naughty behaviour.
If he does cry I will talk to him within the first minute usually and then distract to a different toy, I don't go back to the same activity. I'm nice to him as I don't believe in letting kids cry for no reason but I don't smother him when he's been naughty to make sure the boundaries are clear.
Sorry it's hard to explain. x

So it's like watch it together and practice the signs he teaches as you go,friends and play are an easy one from all episodes,then theyl get the concept that they can do an action to ask for what they want,to communicate their needs better before they can talk,it gives them some control and makes it easier to communicate.a good one to teach together is play,or drink,or hungry or hug,anything you think it might benefit the two of you to communicate it before they can say the word.weve always explained to them that if they want a hug to hug themselves then you can see they need that,it helps them with their feelings and communicating those feelings.we also got an emotions board from Amazon that they love to help them with their emotions learning,just to sit together and chat through feelings.eg yesterday DD was using it to say how she was scared of the car wash we did,I was able to use it to say I was tired and how everyone else might be feeling,it's a fun activity and helps them develop their emotions understanding.i think that helps with the no hitting chat as the more they can communicate the better as the hitting for us anyway seemed to be more an attempt at communication than in anger,just not yet getting how to make their needs understand.might help?