Help remaining positive through matching process

[Bramely123]

Hi All, just looking for so positivity / reassure from people who have been there before us! DH and I have been approved and waiting for a match for about 5 months. Been a long process to get to this stage with lots of delays and waiting for LA to assign SW, panel dates etc.

Just found out been passed over for another couple when we thought we were a strong match. No real feedback on why other couple chosen, just family finders insinct that they were a better match.

Trying to stay positive and tell ourselves it wasn't meant to be and our right match out there still. Just struggling at the moment to keep the positive outlook going and belief that it will happen for us.

Xx

I'm so sorry and sending you lots of hugs and comfort.

We were approved for about 20 months before we got our match, and had been approved for just over 2 years when our child finally made it home.

It's a difficult and frustrating time!

I know it sounds cliche; but our match finally came when we least expected it. I'd gone on a girl's weekend abroad to let loose and stop obsessing over matching when our social worker sent the pen picture across and told us that we were the favoured couple for this child. We had confirmation that we had been selected within two weeks, our matching panel after 3 months and child was home around 4 months after that initial email.

I found linkmaker to be too much - I was obsessive over it - logging in every day, compromising on our agreed age range etc. to open up our matching even further and try to find a match. It's great for some people; but for me it made things worse.

We used the time we were waiting to save some extra money for during adoption leave, we did a romantic weekend away, we did any jobs around the house that were needed etc. - anything to keep our minds off the waiting really while also ensuring we were still poised and ready at any moment.

Feel free to PM if you ever need to vent or rant or ask any questions.

Hope you get your match soon!

Hi, I totally understand your pain. We went through some really tough times waiting for our match. We were pitted against other adopters in very brutal ways on link maker, and my confidence and self belief took such a hit. It was nearly a year wait for us. But it will happen and remember it isn't personal as such, there are lots of others considerations family finders look at. I never post on these forums but really wanted to reach out as i felt exactly the same. Its amazing you are being considered and yes I believe all the pain of missing out on early matches was a process that led to our son being placed with us. I know this doesn't make the wait easier and if you just knew a timescale it make life feel less strained, but I'm sure it will happen. Keep positive your little one is out there x

This stage is brutal.

After a few children we expressed interest in, we thought we were a virtual certainty with one child, which fell through for complicated reasons. Then the next child we waited absoluteky ages to hear anything. The family finder sent us loads of questions based on our CPR. Still waited so long. Then suddenly they went with other adopters. And then we expressed interest in another child, and I had lost hope by this time to be honest. And in no time at all (a few days maybe, I can't really remember) my partner texted me at work that we had a linking meeting. That child is now sat in front of me learning how backpacks work! She is honestly the best thing in the world and it was just meant to be.

It's just shit, and I don't think there's anything else to say. Try to do fun things for you, so that you're not only thinking about this. And rant about it all here whenever you need. It will happen when it's meant to, and everyone feels like this. I hope it's not too long for you.

I think the matching stage calls on your patience and resilience more than any other. It can become all consuming, can dent your confidence and leave you wondering why you ever bothered. But, the right child is out there, hang in there, use your child free time wisely because one the linking process starts it’s pretty full on. Fingers crossed it won’t be too long a wait.

Thanks all for your kind messages! Really helps to hear from people who have been there and now on the other side! Our friends and family try but having not been through it don't always say the right things. DH and I have taken your advise and will be going for dinner and cocktails tomorrow night - and have convinced him we deserve a weekend away. Thanks all xx

Cocktails is an excellent idea!

Glad to hear you're having a night out and a weekend away! Fingers crossed it'll give you a mental break, too. I've just posted another thread myself - we're just that teeny bit further in the process, awaiting matching panel, and I totally hear you on the wait just being so draining. If we get matched with this LO, we'll have been approved for 3 yrs by the time they come home and I wonder if that's part of the reason why we feel so worn out. Don't you just wish there was an "off" button for thinking about it! Hope your night out will be just that, even if briefly - and that things start moving for you soon. X

I’m so sorry you’re in the middle of this bit! I remember the feeling so well. It felt like everyone around us had been matched pre approval panel or within weeks and it just didn’t happen for us like that! We even had a really strong match pulled the day before the little girl’s social worker came round to see us because the SW manager said they needed to find someone ‘in house’. I honestly felt ready to give up!

In fact, our match happened 6 months in and after we had emailed our SW to say we needed a break over Christmas. We had just had a match pulled with a little girl who we’d been told everything was going ahead for and we were devastated. Our SW literally emailed us back saying they totally understood and that was fine but a child had been brought to her attention who she thought we would be perfect for. He wasn’t quite ready to be ‘matched’ with yet because of ongoing court situations but, with our permission, she wanted to explore it. We said yes that’s fine and literally signed off for a couple of weeks over Christmas.

Well, that match turned out to be our wonderful little boy! In January, we read his profile (no picture) and we said yes we were keen. There were a few delays but we felt it was right to just wait. I can’t tell you why we thought it was the right choice. We literally had a paragraph of writing and no photo to go on but we waited.

Then, everything happened super fast. In the February we met his social worker and within 6 weeks we were approved at matching panel, had introductions and he moved in. It was an utter whirlwind. I can now hear his little snores next door and he’s been home 22 months.

All in all, from approval panel to home it took 10 months. They felt like the longest and most difficult 10 months. I hope this provides some comfort but I do remember reading similar stories at the time and thinking well, that’s alright for you, but it won’t happen for us! It will. I promise! Only after you’ve had the match and everyone is home and settled you’ll be able to reflect and realise that ohhh, this is why you waited.

I can’t wait for your future message on this thread where you tell us all you’ve been matched, LO is home and now the difficult journey all makes sense. I promise it will happen!