Cold feet?

[Florettata]

We've been hoping to adopt for a very long time, the process has taken years. Finally, it looks as if there might be a match. Yet, instead of being giddy with excitement and anticipation, we find ourselves feeling too old, too tired, like everyone else is a wonderful therapeutic parent and we aren't and just generally exhausted.

Has anyone else felt like this? We can't think of anything other than this LO, but are worrying that maybe the process has just taken too much out of us and that we wouldn't be the best parents for this LO now anymore and should just pull out. Did any of you have cold feet or is it a sign that something really is wrong?

I definitely did get cold feet a lot! I think when you're going through the process it's all about the big stuff, but the reality of day to day parenting is pretty relentless. Maybe that's beginning to hit home for you?

I remember finally plucking up the courage to say to my wife that we should back out (this was in the middle of introductions). But I was actually terrifiedthat she would say yes. I think as well I tried to imagine how I would feel if I did back out, and I knew I'd be heartbroken.

I don't know if any of that helps? Do you know specifically what it is that's worrying you?

It’s very natural. If you think about it until now all the preparation has been theoretical and quite abstract. Now your presented with an actual child that might become yours with all the change and challenges that brings - you’d not be human if you didn’t have second thoughts.

@ScottishBeth and @Jellycatspyjamas, thank you for your replies. Very reassuring! Matching panel is still a couple of weeks away and it's a weird time of it all becoming real, but not actually being real yet, if that makes sense. But also a time where we feel we ought to let SW know asap if we weren't up to the job!

@ScottishBeth, I was actually the same, asking partner if we should pull out and dreading them saying yes (they didn't!). I know we'd be absolutely heartbroken, but it's the thought of not doing right by LO that keeps us awake. We have a BC already, so are used to being parents, but are suddenly feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of doing it all over again and with a child who has experienced trauma, likely to have ASN etc. We're in our fourties and are feeling old, tired and unsure if LO wouldn't be much better off with someone younger, fitter, more energetic, more therapeutic...

If LO would have been better with younger, fitter parents the social workers would have chosen someone like that! And I have a feeling that if you were 10 years younger you'd be worried you weren't experienced enough. Or there would be something else. You're about to embark on something massive, and I think being anxious in this situation is normal.

We've only just been approved and I'm already feeling a bit drained by the process; it's HARD and intense.

Honestly, I think anyone who didn't have "cold feet" at some point during the matching stage perhaps wasn't fully prepared. I don't think 100% pure optimism, joy and excitement serve you well in this process. You need a good dose of reality-checking and reflection every now and then. It's a massive life change - I think it's normal to have some doubts (on a slightly less significant scale - doesn't the same happen when you're changing jobs, moving house, getting married etc??)

To have come this far after such a long journey I actually think you've shown huge dedication and commitment which speaks volumes compared to some last minute nerves?

I had to read this twice to check I hadn’t written this post. We are also about two weeks out from matching panel after a long journey and ever since we were officially linked I’ve been in a state of undulating panic, albeit for less altruistic reasons than you.
I console myself with the fact that this probably leaves me better prepared for what is to come than wearing rose tinted glasses thinking it’s going to be all magical. (Pre adoption depression rather than post adoption. That has to be better right?)
it sounds like this is what your heart wants even if your head is protesting a little.
good luck - I’m sure you are going to be amazing

I think part of the panic is that you are nearly there now and the goal is within touching distance and after such a long gruelling wait the fear sets in that it will all be snatched away and all.your hopes dashed at the final moment So in my case I almost wanted to self destruct and take control so I couldn't be hurt by the process anymore if that makes sense. It is really so v gruelling and takes so much out of you. I honestly think there has to be a better system.

Hold your nerve it is all v normal time ime.