Dual heritage; introducing the subject

[S4uk]

Hi!
first post so bare with me.

I'm adopting a child who is dual heritage, and I’ve been asked how people (friends etc) have “introduced” the topic to their child?
For context he 1/4 black, but appears white - blue eyes ginger hair. I’m also 1/4 not English, but from a white background, so I’m used to having non-English traditions and food in my life, but that isn’t enough apparently!

any hints, tips or words of advice would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks!

Hi

I'm not sure what you mean by ' that isn't enough' 'and who is asking.
My son is dual heritage - I can't say that I ever expected my friends to address his ethnicity with their children. Just let them accept and get to know your child as he is

If this is social workers to be honest I'd just smile and nod until you have your AO and bring your child up as you see fit.

Do you know what the ethnic background is - black could be African or Caribbean which are culturally very different. I think you should also take into account how the child would have been brought up if they had stayed with birth family, if they are a quarter black that means either one mixed race/one white parent or a black grandparent somewhere in the mix. What is the dominant culture in the birth family?

So it's matching panel (I should've said that!)
The social workers have zero issue, and he would've been brought up by a single white woman (bm) as am I.
We're not sure where his dad is from; maybe Caribbean; I did say that African and Caribbean are very different, as is Africa!

LO would have no contact with dads family, he doesn't know who his dad is...

That's the way I was brought up; I'm 1/4 Swedish, so we always had "different" foods and traditions; I'm used to being visually white, but not "British" if that makes sense!!

Honestly, people who know he isn't mine have even commented how he looks like me, which I find hilarious!!!

I'm interested that you say you are 'visually' but not British.
You are not just visually white, you are white, I'd slso argue that British is a nationality not ethnicity.
I'm not trying to start an argument with you, just trying to illustrate how easy it is to get yourself tied up in knots about this.

Your son looks white, because for the most part he is. Its highly unlikely that anyone will treat him as anything other tha white. He may also never identify himself as anything other than white, particularly as you don't have anything specific to hang the 'black ' bit on.

My son knows which African country and ethnicity his dad comes from, his name is African. He has Afro hair so your first impression of him is black, he identifies as mixed. He can explore his African heritage if he wishes, but at the moment he isn't that interested. Most of his 'heros' are black or mixed race, he listens to music by black artists (except bizarrely George Ezra which is a world away from everything he listens to), we have lots of books, music, art etc from Africa around the house.
So I haven't cocooned him in an exclusively white culture. But I've taken the approach of raising a confident young man, secure in who he is, knowing that as a young black man other people may have perceptions about him.
Your son won't have that to contend with and as I said earlier, may not identify himself as mixed heritage.

You've hit the nail on the head.
When I say about me being white; what I mean is I've always been aware had nanny been black, I might be too! We had some very odd traditions - most normal people don't parade around with a candle lit crown on!

You can see how/where I've been going round in circles as to what they want, when giving him the tools to be confident and have whatever identity he chooses, is more important!

What I meant with the "British" comment, was people assume as you're white, you're British; and I'm not 100%...

a candle lit crown sounds rather jolly, and no more odd than many British traditions.
As you say people have remarked how much he looks like you so I assume he is home?
If thats the case, smile and nod. Do what you feel is right for your child.
But your friends kids will see a white boy, you are no more obliged to educate them about an unknown ethnic heritage than any other part of his story.

I will share a little story, at our matching panel I was quite rightly asked what I would do to promote his cultural heritage. One of the questions I was asked was would I take him to Africa - they weren’t even specific to the country. Of course I said, why wouldn’t I ( I have travelled extensively in Africa, including birth dad’s home country). Towards the end of my adoption leave, but before we had the AO, I booked a holiday to Gambia, dad’s country at the time being unsafe. The social worker tried to stop me - citing lack of electricity and health care. I argued, I won, we went, and had a great time.
As an aside, my son spent a lot of kids from the local village, I had many conversations with a young man who asked me where his dad was - It was generally assumed that his dad was Gambian. I explained that he was adopted. I asked him whether he saw my boy as a black or a white boy. Definitely white boy in his view, but in the UK he is most definitely black.
As I say, you can tie yourself in knots.

Yes, he's been here for 6 months!

I'm glad you mentioned the holiday! I said at the original matching panel (as you'll have guessed, it's been deferred) that if we find out his background, then it would be a great excuse for a holiday - so he can go to the country and see where he's from... I was told "it isn't all about holidays..."

Honestly, I just don't think they got me!!

Matching panels can be ridiculously obsessed with things like this, you really do need to just smoke and nod. You don’t know his cultural background, and neither do the panel. I think the best you can do is raise him to be curious, be open to helping him learn about “black” culture generally and don’t hide or ignore that he’s mixed race. You could speak to organisations that work with racial issues to seek their advice (which also gives you evidence for panel that you’re trying to find the best way to approach it, specialist advice etc). They’ll be looking for you to acknowledge that while he appears white, there’s other cultural issues in the mix (which you’re clearly very open to).

I’d honestly smile and nod, get through panel and then do what you’re doing anyway. If they were that concerned first time round he wouldn’t have been placed with you.

you really do need to just smoke and nod.

smile and nod, please don’t smoke - that’ll open a whole other can of worms 😂

Thanks; I've had diversity training, so will just smile (not smoke!) and nod!!