Support Network

[Luluha]

My husband and I are in the very early stages of adoption. We have our initial assessment call set for next week with Birmingham Children's Trust.

My main worry at this point is our support network /referrals. I'm an American and moved here in 2018. All of my close friends and family live in a different country. My husband's family lives quite close, which is nice but as far as friend referrals, we can ask one of his co-workers who he started his apprenticeship with and we have a former flatmate we could ask. I'm very friendly and outgoing but we're home bodies so we don't really socialise much.

I'm very close with my family and my friends and I travel to see each other, it's the local aspect that's a problem. Would the fact that my support network is virtual be a negative? Would love to hear from others who don't have a large support network.

My husband and I were approved in August last year, and are currently in discussions about a match. We don't have a great deal in the way of a local support network either - not as far as America, but we live in Scotland and both our families live in England, and having moved around quite a bit and also being home bodies, our closest friends are mostly not round the corner either.

It is definitely something you'll be asked to think about. We talked a lot to our social worker about what we'd do in an emergency, how we might access practical support with non-childcare tasks during early placement. She helped us come up with some creative ideas that we hope will work for us. On the plus side, social workers and panel really liked that we had a good group of longstanding friends, regardless of location, and the fact that we'd maintained relationships through moves was actually seen as a plus. It sounds like this might be similar in your case. Some of the support you'll need is emotional and distance is less of an issue, especially if you're used to communicating that way. And you're likely - eventually - to make new connections through the children.

I definitely worried about how this would be viewed, but it's genuinely been okay for us. I'd say be upfront about it, think about how you can creatively use the local support you do have and ask your SW about the support they can connect you with. As for refs, none of ours were spoken to in person, so I would imagine one or two could be non-local as long as you are in regular contact. Good luck!!

You’ll need different types of support - people you can talk to, people who can offer practical help, people you have fun with etc etc. You’ll also find your support network grows quite naturally with kids - some of my closest, most steady supports are people I didn’t even know going through the assessment process, and folk who I thought would be a strong support aren’t much part of my life any more.

If you can evidence enduring relationships, have contingency plans for when you need someone to do a school run etc you’ll be ok. We don’t all live in the area we grew up in and have those lifelong physically close relationships any more. Good luck with the process.

Thank you both, this helps relieve my mind so much! I've moved a lot in my life but have maintained friendships throughout and have friendships spanning decades. My husband has relatives who live two blocks away so we also have emergency help when needed. I feel much more optimistic about everything. Thank you again!

We were approved with Birmingham children's Trust. They were amazing. At our first meeting with them we were told most things were workable. (Obviously within reason). Our closest friends are now people we met from their training course or at their stay & play group.
Good luck.

Thank you lilymty! I was wondering how Birmingham Children's Trust was. I searched through the posts and couldn't find much info so I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. Hopefully we will meet you at a future stay and play. ❤️

I honestly couldn't speak more highly of them. They were recommended to us by a sw so we went with them. They are good with hitting timescales. Stage 1 took 8 weeks, stage 2 took 16 weeks then we were matched within 2 weeks of panel. Our 3 friends were the same with assessment timescales. 1 was matched before panel but one took about 6 months. Our sw worked with us in regards to meetings so she even did some of them after we finished work of an evening so we didn't need to book lots of time off work.
I would recommend doing every training they offer because even just meeting people during the training was worth while for us. They have also been supportive when we have needed it post adoption order. I have been able to call our sw rather than going through adoption support.

Good luck. If you have any more questions about them feel free to ask.

This is so wonderful to hear Lilymty! First hand experiences really help. We have our first phone assessment tomorrow. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and I will definitely reach out if I have more questions. ❤️

@Luluha , it’s great that you have had such positive feedback about your preferred agency here. Depending on your age preference, don’t forget to research local playgroups, children’s centres, schools other professional services as these will also be part of your support network. You can include this forum and the AdoptionUK site too. Your agency will probably have groups you can access.

As @Jellycatspyjamas says, your support network naturally evolves as your children come home and then they start school and join groups and activities. I’m 15 years in now and my best ‘supporters’ are the fellow parents of adopted teens ; they just ‘get it’ and I don’t have to pretend with them. Old friends, including one or two who were my referees, have fallen by the wayside, for one reason or other.

@EmmatheStageRat I'm so sorry that you have lost friends along the way. Life takes us all on different journeys and I've discovered that not everyone is meant to be on the same one with us.

Many of my neighbours have recently had children so I'm hoping to connect more with them once we have our own little one (we have a wonderful neighborhood group chat) and I really love popping on here. Thank you for the other suggestions as well!