Child being picked on

[Betsysyard]

Name changed, because it could be outing.

Posting just for a rant really. My lovely boy (just turned 8), said to me on Wednesday in the car that some of the boys in his class had been telling him scary stories. He then gave me a very detailed account of ‘Pennywise’ the clown from IT. He said the boys had told him about it and they only stopped talking when he burst into tears.

Now, to my mind no 8 year old should know about Pennywise - so I think that’s a separate issue. I reassured him it was a made up adult story. That night he had a nightmare, and he’s had one every night since.

My lad has had a few anxiety issues, but he’s doing really well at school, he’s a good friend and a really good kid. Apart from having to deal with the adoption stuff, we’ve had a few deaths in the family - he had a few wobbles at school, but school managed to give him loads of support and got him back on track, he’s coped remarkably well with everything. But this has really knocked him and he’s always slept through, usually 11.5hrs, so it’s really sad to see this affect him so much.

I’ve since learned that different kids have been telling him ghost stories every day since the first incident, they haven’t stopped when he’s asked them to - to me, this is starting to sound like they are purposefully being mean. I’ve told the teacher in person, but I think I’m going to get it all down in an email too.

I know 8 year olds can be awful and can make poor judgements. I know this probably has little to do with adoption, but it’s making me feel incredibly angry and protective - because I know he has real life demons to deal with and some snotty kid and his stupid stories have knocked my child for six.

What else can I do? Do I just need to accept that this happens with 8 year olds?

Hello @Betsysyard I'm so sorry to hear your little chap is going through this. Please don't accept it. I think that around the age of 7, 8, 9 kids start to sense vulnerability in ACE children and some target that. School is reactive rather than proactive, showing little insight into how to support these children.

I had to email the school about a similar situation in primary with my DGS around that age and more recently in p6 and P7. IME simply speaking to teachers has very little effect. Always always always have a paper trail.

I kept it very much to the point. "DGS is unhappy. He has told me xyz. Please look into this. Thank you for your help in this matter." cc'ed to Head of department and Deputy or Headteacher. The boys were dealt with, and DGS learned that it was okay to tell an adult if something was upsetting him. There have been recurrences since then, DGS mostly manages to speak to a teacher, but teachers don't have to deal with the fallout at home.

Although it's different from adoption, there has been trauma and neglect, and I'm so protective of him and his sister and have to do a lot of deep breathing to stay calm.

afaik, the English department of education has a section on adopted children. There will be other adoptive parents who can direct you to this. It may help you figure out what to expect from the school.

💐

If one or several childen scare your child on a daily basis, then that is bullying. It needs to stop immediately.

I did not take what sounded like occasasional mean comments seriously enough and realised too late that my daughter was being bullied. My daughter also ended up showing physical symptoms. Years later we are still dealing with what happened. You do not want to get to that stage.

So my advice would be to do something now. Your child needs to feel safe when going into school, otherwise they cannot learn. They have suffered enough. It is the school's responsibilty to ensure that they can feel safe.

Thank you both so much for your understanding responses. I think you’re right in that they have sensed a vulnerability and they got a reaction when he cried. And yes, it is bullying, he has been told a ghost story each day since it first happened by two children per day (different children each time), it feels like they are circling him like predators. I know my reaction and language seems quite dramatic, but these kids have been through so much - and they’re still standing, they are the most courageous of children - I’m buggered if I’m going let a few children destroy his confidence. Email trail it is. TBF the school have been great so far, so I’m hoping that I will get an equally good response this time. I will mention the ‘bullying’ word, hopefully it will be taken seriously. Thank you for your kind words and advice.

Hello again. I googled Department for Education, and clicked Statutory Guidance. There are several sections relating to looked-after and previously looked-after children. I haven't clicked on any links. I'm hoping my screenshot posts.

It’s not dramatic at all when it’s your child. Children do notice “difference” in other children and some will use that to pick on ones who seem vulnerable. When my DD was in that position I met with the HT, explaining I’d be keeping her at home until they had a plan in place to keep her safe - on another occasion I witnessed c a group of girls at the school gate planning how they would pick on my daughter, at which point I collected my DD from school (having literally just dropped her off at the school gates) again explaining that I wouldn’t leave her somewhere that wasn’t safe for her - how’s that for drama!

I agree with putting your concerns in writing clearly explaining why you feel it’s bullying as opposed to playground nonsense. In your email ask to meet with the HT with the class teacher to agree a clear plan to address the issues. At the meeting remind them of your child’s vulnerability (where I am care experienced children are automatically deemed to have additional support needs/SEN) and their duty of care. You may need to be quite strong in your interactions with the school but they should address it.

I agree with PP, email the school and be matter of fact. If they phone you or you have a meeting, email them afterwards with the main points and what was agreed upon.
Sorry this has happened to your LO.

@Betsysyard I'm so sorry this happened.

i hope you have contacted the school and they have dealt with this.