Looking to adopt- advice needed 😊

[Cml92]

I'm looking to adopt as a lgbt single person and would like some advice:
● references: how many did you need?
What is the minimum the person must know you for?
● the process:
How lond did it take?
● how stressful is the process?
● other advice/ tips appreciated.
Thanks 😊

Our process took 3 years. Not stressful, just lots of waiting. Very supportive social work team for us. Early days placement is very stressful!
For us- 3 personal references then from jobs, one ex, voluntary work, anything that involved children or vulnerable people.
All agencies will do things differently though so first step is to go to an information talk usually I think.
I always recommend Adoption UK as its webinars and zooms are awesome and so helpful. And the Al Coates & Scott Carson Rennie, A&F Podcast. Both great starting points, and do lots and lots of reading.
Good luck!

Thank you so much for your message and advice regarding the podcasts.

hi

I needed 6 references, 3 written and 3 in person. I don’t remember a minimum length of time the person must know you for.

For me the process was 9 months from enquiry to baby coming home.

I didn’t find the assessment process stressful however I had 2 failed matches which were extremely upsetting/stressful.

The best advice I would give is not to rush through it and just take each stage as it comes.

good luck!

I supplied 3 references- SIL, old family friend and an old school friend. I also had to supply 2 work references because I changed jobs during the approval process. They did follow up phone calls with 2 of my personal referees, no idea if they did the same for my work ones.

OH supplied 1 work reference and 3 personal references - his PIL (my parents) and 2 old friends. He had follow up calls with one friend and my parents. SW also asked to speak to his parents (he hadn't asked them for a reference because h they aren't confident with form filling).

@Cml92

hello, single adopter here

Some people find the assessment process stressful, others don’t. Its certainly very intense and can feel intrusive. Its worth remembering that as a single person you have no one to bounce things off, which I found difficult at times.
How long it takes varies tremendously, its not unusual to have delays for all sorts of reasons.
A few things to think about
you need good, stable finances. Most social workers want adopters to take a year adoption leave. Can you finance this? what is your employers adoption leave policy. Can you return to work part time if necessary?
Your job - is it flexible, family friendly? think about nursery/ school drop offs/pick ups, covering school holidays, you may have more appointments than most parents, will you be able to go to the school nativity play etc, can you go part time and work flexible hours. Initially I worked three days a week so tried to get our appointments in on my 2 non working days. It wasn’t always possible but my line manager was happy for me to use flex time or swap my NWD.
Child care - is horrendously expensive, what are your thoughts on this? This may influence the age of the child you want to adopt. I adopted a school age child partly because of this issue.
support network - this will change once you have a child home, but you do need to have good support around you
most adopted children have some level of additional need, think very carefully about what you can support - its tough going it alone.
Finally - shop around the agencies - its important that you get the right one for you

The process can be quite long - in my circle of adopters it was around 2 years from enquiry to placement. Mine was longer because of various changes in my circumstances. Some areas will be quicker than others so it can depend on which of the 4 nations you live in.

Start to think about financial practicalities - is your house big enough for the child t have their own room. What age of child are you thinking about? I too adopted older children (4 & 6), the advantage is some of their challenges are better known, but you don’t have the baby/toddler years. How much adoption leave can you take and what would your plans be for work post placement - bear in mind many adopted children don’t tolerate after school care or nursery etc so what would your plan be if that were the case. I changed job during the process because it became clear I wouldn’t have the headspace or the flexibility for the job I was doing.

Do some reading around developmental trauma and foetal alcohol spectrum disorder - most children placed will have been exposed to drugs or alcohol in the womb so it’s worth knowing a bit about it.

It can be a lot to get your head around but also very worthwhile. Good luck.

It took us 9 months from the start of the process to being approved. Then matched 2 weeks later. Then LO came come 2 months after that.

The process we didn't find stressful, it was more of a paper filling in exercise (that's how we treated it mentally as we didn't know how long it would take).

Our SW was lovely, we had building work going on through the process, and a lot of SW's would have stopped the application until it was finished, but he was very experienced and could see things would be complete by time we were approved.

References wise, they met with my Mum, Dad/Step-Mum, my partners parents, 2 of my friends, and had a telephone call with a friend of my partner. They also got written references from my partners siblings (they're not local).
I think he was just covering all bases, and got as many as he could so it wouldn't be an issue at approval panel!

It is very intrusive, from your finances (they want to see bank statements) to your sex life, to having access to a medical report on you done by your GP.

You have to sometimes bite your tongue, smile a lot, and sometimes I felt things were said to see how you reacted (not by our SW, but in the training, and also at the foster carer).

As people have said, you just have to think it will take time, you need to be patient and resilient, and know your life, past and present, will be scrutinised.