What to call Grandma

[OrangeStrawberryPlum]

My children call me Mama, my wife is Mummy. It's a name, and role, I'm very proud of, a huge part of my identity. In parenting, i am equal to my wife in every way.

My sister wants her children to call our Mum (known as Grandma to my kids), Mama. I've told her I find this very upsetting - I'm worried it will cause my kids confusion and it threatens my identity? It doesn't sound like my feelings on this will change her mind, it is pretty clear that this is what she plans to do.

Please go gentle on me, I'm finding this very upsetting, but what, if anything, could I/should I do?

I adopted my children, my sister's are birth children. I'm not sure if the fact my children are adopted, or that I'm in a same-sex marriage, is affecting how sensitive I am to this.

Hi OSP , I wouldn't get too upset over this. Just tell your children that your mum is Grandma and that sometimes people are known by different names. I assume that you are in the UK? If so it will be your sister who will look silly as the children get older and her children who will end up confused. Here grandparents are known as Grandma/Grandad/nana,/ granny. Most people use mum/mama/mummy etc to denote the mother figure and not the grandmother.

You could always speak with your mum and tell her how you feel. If she agrees with you then she can correct your sisters children every time they call her "mama" by saying "no I am grandma" , it will then be hard for your sister to continue with this.

If your sister is being unsupportive, as it sounds she is, then just go low contact with her and don't visit your mum at the same time that she is there. Your children won't then hear her children call your mum "Mama".

Best wishes xx

Hi Cheekychop

Thank you for your kind reply. Yes I'm in the UK, I've spoken to my Mum, who says she would rather just stay as Grandma for all the grandkids, but she doesn't want to put her foot down on that as she doesn't want to be seen to be taking sides. Sadly because of this, my sister will go-ahead with encouraging calling her Mama, and ultimately my Mum will be really sad that her children and grandkids wont be in the same room again. I'm so sad that my feelings are not enough to make my sister stop - I guess that says something about our relationship that I hadn't known before.

Your sister is being extremely insensitive! It has nothing to do with how your children came to you, they are as much yours and your wife’s as your sister’s children are hers. You are not being overly sensitive.
Could you have a word with your mum and ask her to come up with a name SHE would like her grandchildren to call her, that’s what we’ve done I’m nanny and my daughter in law’s mum is grandma. Good luck!

It's a bit of a strange name to call a grandmother - do you know what her reasoning is?
I can see why you are upset but I think I agree with cheekychop that it's more likely that your it's your sister's children who will end up confused because its not the usual name for a grandparent.
It feels like your sister is not only being insensitive to you, but ignoring your mum's wishes as well.
Most familys have some tradition with grandparents names, in my family it's always nanny and grandad, others use granny, grandma, grandad, gramps etc.
My mum was very definite about being nanny, as will I when the time comes.
If grandma is the tradition in your family, would your mum have another word with your sister along these lines?

Mama is a weird one for a grandparent, is it like grandmama kind of mama so pronounced different to mama, I dont know how to write how it sounds?.! Mama to me is in how a baby might say MaMa, or is it a Grandmahmah type, different pronounciations, would Mahmah pronoucniation work for everyone? Or even just Grandmama in the mama way, surely mama means mum to everyone so to call a grandparent it really seems to need a grand in there. How old are her kids? Can Grandma just correct them subtely when they call her Mama, to "Grandmama dear" Or alternitavely for us, we call foster mum Mama "her name", could Grandma go with Mama Grandy or something, in time, when it becomes less of an issue for your sister? Seems like it really needs to be Grandmas choice, i wouldnt want to be taking on a Mama role as a grandma!

My Mum chose to be called Grandma when my eldest son arrived 4.5 years ago as a newborn. My sisters eldest is 2.5 years old. As far as i am aware for 4.5 years it's been Grandma until this week when I heard my sister start saying "Look, go and show Mama and Papa".

It started because my neice struggles to say Grandma so says "mama", although recently it is progressing to "GrrMa". But also recently, my sister has decided that the names Mama and Papa for grandparents is really special to her - I think her husband may have called his grandparents this - and is now actively encouraging the use of the words. It's Mama as in how a baby says it, not Mamar or similar.

My Mum says she wants to stay as Grandma but my sister doesn't seem to want to give her the choice! My Mum doesn't want to insist as she thinks that would be taking sides.

Thank you all so much for your replies, you are so kind, its so helpful x

It's not just the confusion for my kids that's the problem. I feel that by wanting to use Mama for another family member, my sister is invalidating my role as a Mum - it feels like she doesn't value me as a Mum. She's trying to turn my name, Mama, from meaning "specifically Mum" into meaning "just someone in the family".

You are overthinking. Your children aren't going to suddenly start thinking you are their grandparents or that their grandmother is their cousins mother. Neither will your role in your family be invalidated by your sister. You are ascribing powers to her that she simply doesn't have.

If you feel that you family (or others) are looking on your role as "lesser" or your family as "lesser" then it might be worth unpicking where this insecurity comes from. Is it them, or you (not suggesting you think you family is lesser but do you fear others will?)

I agree with the above post, you are overthinking this. Your sister can never ever invalidate you as a mum - you are and always will be their mum.

I think your mum has to deal with this and insist on being called grandma - it has nothing to do with taking sides but more about her feelings. Can you imagine how embarrassed she is going to be when taking your sisters children out for the day and have them call her "Mama" - and every adult nearby will turn their head around and look at your mum thinking "she's a bit old to be their mum'!! If it was me I would die of embarrassment!! Also children playing with your sisters children will ask them "is that your mum?", and when they say "no, she's my grandma ", the reply will be "so why are you calling her mama and not grandma?" No doubt her children will get embarrassed and will stop using the name.

If anything your sister and her husband are invalidating their own positions by giving the culturally accepted names for the parents to her own parents!! She will be the one looking stupid in years to come and I guarantee that the name of Mama for your mum will be dropped.

Your children know who you are as will everyone else.

Xxx

In fact OSP I wouldn't go low contact with your sister at all if it were me. I would make sure that my children were there when your sister and her children were there. Then every time her children called "mama" I would answer them and when they said "no" pointing to your mum I would reply "oh your mean Grandma - this is getting really confusing isn't because I am mama and we call her grandma". Then when your children call you "mama" I would reply "yes that's right I am mama". Your children will also call your mum "grandma" and she will answer them. Keep doing this and your sister will soon get fed up with it and stop using mama for your mum!! Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire - refuse to let your sister undermine you and show her how stupid she is being!! Xxx

Xxx

Sadly because of this, my sister will go-ahead with encouraging calling her Mama, and ultimately my Mum will be really sad that her children and grandkids wont be in the same room again

I would gently suggest you have too much invested in a name. Your children will know the difference between you and your mum - because of the part you play in their lives. I can understand your insecurity - I think it takes a while for adoptive parents to develop a sense of identity as a parent and it sounds like being called a particular name is part of your parent identity.

It is insecurity though, what would you have done if your child had refused to use “Mama” for you? You wouldn’t be any less their parent but some adopted children don’t tolerate using “mother” titles because of previous trauma etc.

This one is really for your mum and your sister to sort out, your mum needs to decide if she in unhappy and tackle it with your sister, it makes no difference to the role you have with your children.

I hope you’re not considering stopping attending family events that your sister and her children will go to - not having those extended family links is likely to have much more adverse impact on your kids than hearing their grandma being called a different name.

I think this is one of those times you need to unpick why it matters so much to you that no one else gets called a fairly common family title. It may be because you’ve waited a long time to be a mum, you might never have thought you’d get here or have a particular idea of what your family would look like. Your place in your child’s life is unique to you - but you’re one of a number of people who have held that mothering place in their life. They may need help to understand that you’re with them for life, what they call you might change over the years, it’s your relationship with them that defines you in their lives - not what name they might use.

I think jellycats has a valid point.
One of my friends, adopted a 6 year old who would only call her by her name. After 3 years or so the occasional 'mum" slipped out but he always corrected himself to her name

The other thing to bear in mind us that both mummy and mamma are quite babyish names to most people. Mamma my have longer legs but at 10 my son would call me anything other than mummy. So it's likely your names will evolve over time anywal

I honestly don't think the name "mama' is the real issue here. I think that OSP would probably feel the same if her sister wanted her children to call grandma "nana" instead. OSP is feeling let down by both her sister and her mum. Perhaps OSP feels that her sister is either intentionally or unintentionally trying to signify that as her children are the biological grandchildren then they should refer to Grandma by a different name than that used by the adopted grandchildren. That her children are in someway more "special". OSP probably feels that her mum should put a stop to this by saying that she loves all her grandchildren the same and so they should all call her by the same name ,- it's not about taking sides but about treating all the children the same and not allowing a wedge to be put between them.

If this is the case OSP then you should speak with your mum and tell her this and hopefully she will put a stop to it.

Sending hugs xxx

My children call me Mama, my wife is Mummy. It's a name, and role, I'm very proud of, a huge part of my identity. In parenting, i am equal to my wife in every way.

I think you make some good points @Cheekychop but the OP clearly says the name matters to her and is part of her parenting identity and that she feels undermined in her role as a parent by her sister using the same name for the child’s grandmother. At the end of the day no one can control what the sister does, so the OP needs to make her peace with it without undermining her own confidence as a parent.

The issues around value and relationship with biological grand children may well be in the mix too - I think that’s an insightful observation - but if that’s the case it will seep out in other ways even if the name issue is resolved. The more the OP feels secure in her identity as a parent, the more able she’ll be to tackled observed inequality in a way that feels consistent with who she is and which is supportive of ongoing relationships in the extended family.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to write such thoughtful replies. It is so helpful and I'm so grateful. It gives me a lot to think about. Thank you x

In my wider family we have had several family members trying to insist on certain names. In all cases the children made their own choices: One grandparent wanted to be called an unusual name. The first grandchild did so until about age 3, then changed to Granny. The younger sibling started with Granny straight away. One parent wanted a particular name for another grandparent. The children did so for a while, then changed to something else. Other children in the family changed the name for another grandparent. My children even call their cousin's granny a name meaning "granny". I myself have gone from Mummy to Mama with a few other names in between.

So I would not worry too much. Sooner or later your sister's children will stop calling their granny "Mama". It is unusual (embarrassing) and there is no reason to do so plus it is confusing with you being Mama.

However, I do find this insensitive bordering on heartless of your sister and I would let her know how strongly you feel about it. Maybe ask your sister how she would like it if you started to refer to her to her children as "your granny". I would also let your mother know that you feel it is invalidating your role.