Child-on-child violence

[WittyUsername123]

Hi all
I know I am posting a lot recently- this first month of placement has been a rollercoaster and we are really struggling with feeling so alone, especially with all of social services packing up for one of the twelve month-long holidays they have a year ;)
We have had our older son LO(3) since the beginning of December and are transitioning his brother, LO(22mo) in January- we don’t have a placement date yet because the LA is messing about as much as possible!
They have never lived together, and I know this situation is unusual. We did not chose to transition separately, this was the choice of the LA and has been done now so no sense crying over split milk…
We have started having contact with LO(22mo) again after Christmas and LO(3) found it really hard when in the house- hitting, pushing, screaming in his face to go away etc. I feel awful, scared we are doing wrong by the children, not knowing who to turn to as everyone who is meant to help us is having another few more weeks off at least.
Any advice at all would be so helpful.

I don't have any advice on dealing with this, I'm afraid. Not experienced enough myself! But it sounds so difficult for you. And for the little ones!

Does your adoption agency not have a duty social worker that you could contact? If you don't have the number (I've just realised I don't have the number for mine) have you met any other adopters with your agency? They might have it?

I hope someone else will be around soon to give some actual advice. You have definitely done the right thing posting so please don't feel bad about that.

Maybe I slightly overstated the situation due to my frustration and general panic… they do normally play together okay. This just freaked me out and it’s five days until the next contact so I just know I’m going to be agonising over it until then!

That sounds so so hard and hope you are ok,early days of just one fir us was really hard I can't imagine how hard a staggered transition like that must be.i find everything from adoption UK and also the al coates podcasts really helpful,adoption UK have an early days meet up by zoom regularly that may be helpful to you to chat to others going through it,but mostly I think itl just take time and routine routine routine and alot of hard work and all the attachment work you can do for both,just doing everything you can to be present and be with them.in early days we wouldnt ever leave the room etc,never expect to be apart from them etc,just forget any cleaning or proper cooking just do all you can to hold them close.snuggle on the sofa for all their TV time, hold them when they go to bed,make sure you are there when they wake up,stay with them during nap etc,bottle feed all you can etc.i imagine it's really scary for your eldest having the little one taking attention so try to do all you can to do things together etc,a trampoline,a ball pool things like that that span the age difference,a bubble machine.our little one coming in really didn't like it when we showed affection for the others,holding hands etc,but we just held all hands etc and now it's ok,if you see what I mean,try to minimize any need to compete.super cocoon if you can and only have them spend time with you at home .I think it sounds inevitably hard but in time will be ok.it was really hard for us with one,you are doing amazing already.wirh hitting ours has stopped now by us being consistent,firm but definite on no hitting as a rule.we made a sign for no hitting and repeat it always,and she learned the sorry sign from cocomelon that's helped alot too.super good luck and know it will be ok in time,it will just take time.

I think I live in frustration and general panic!but now I say that so does my little one!it's not a nice way to be but hopefully in time life will relax!

What kind of hitting is it? My two will sometimes jostle and shove each other now which for me is normal sibling stuff. When they first were placed my DD was very violent towards my DS, with potential for quite serious harm at times.

The violence came from a place of fear and uncertainty, she was bloody terrified and had no words for it despite being the older child aged 6. The only effective way I found was to spot when she was starting to dysregulate and step in either by involving myself in what they were doing, involving her in what I was doing or distracting them both with something else. It was very time and emotion intensive, and absolutely exhausting but did stop the violence. As she got older and with lots of work on her emotional expression things have settled down a lot.

Your 3 year old will feel threatened by a new child moving in, they have minimal relationship with each other and have gone through massive upheavals - I’d be balancing time together with 1:1 time with each of them. Lots of verbalising feelings and lots of reassurance. Having two together in very hard going when they have been living together, staggered placement is harder still.

Thank you for the advice and sympathy.
I think part of it is me letting go for my embarrassment, as weird as that sounds- we are still at the stage when LO(22mo)‘s FC is always present for contact so she’s seeing LO(22mo) get knocked about a bit which makes me feel very nervous and embarrassed- her regular visits also make it harder to ignore the cleaning!
If I’m honest, I think we really need the LA to rip the plaster off, give us a final move in date, and let us have at it!
In terms of hitting, some is normal-level, but some is definitely over the top and also unprovoked too.