Letterbox Contact Advice

[SeekingReassurance991]

Hi, Name changed for this. Apologies for the long story, I will condense it at the end for those who would prefer it getting straight to the point.

Almost 7 years ago my 2 children were placed for adoption with the same couple, as far as I'm aware nothing has changed in respect of their situation, etc. Up until 2019, letterbox contact was going well with mutual yearly letters. They would write first and I would respond. My issue is that that was the last letter/communication I ever had from them. I have tried to contact the agency who deals with the letter exchanges for the past 3 years but up until July this year I had no response.

I understood with the covid pandemic and life being abit chaotic for everyone at the time that things may of been delayed, etc so at the time I didn't push too hard for answers but would chase it up every 6 months.

Earlier this year after still recieving no letters or response from the agency, I got in touch with PAC-UK to see if they could offer any assistance. They called me back in July and again in december to say that they had spoken to the letterbox people who had said they had "spoken to the adopters, who had explained that they had begun to find the letter writing difficult so would try to seek support in doing this."

Fast forward to now, I've recieved no further update on this and I guess I wanted some advice on because its now been 3 years since I've had any updates on my children and im really confused about what has changed to make the adopters suddenly change their minds.

My questions are... Is there any reason why an adopter would stop writing? How should I approach this? Do I keep chasing this or just let it lie now? Do I have any rights to push for something to be done? Do I keep writing to them with my own life updates (which im struggling to approach without any response)?

Short version: 3 years ago adopters stopped writing yearly updates to me about my BC, who have been with them now for almost 7 years. What could possibly have caused this change? What do I do? keep chasing, leave it or continue to do my part and still write?

If the children were placed 7 years ago, how old are they now? maybe early teens or approaching teenage?
this is commonly a time when adopted children may start to question things, they might find the contact difficult and not want it to happen at the moment.
for the parents, letter writing can be difficult for many reasons. - it can be hard writing in general terms, finding something new to say without revealing too much. If the children are struggling, or maybe have had a diagnosis, it can be difficult to say something positive.
My son’s behaviour started to detriorate when he was 10/11 and was difficult for several years, during which he had lifestory therapy. It was a really hard time for us. I would have struggled to write a letter which contained the truth of our situation - in part because I wouldnt have wanted to cause the birth family any anxiety.
To be honest we can only speculate as to what’s changed. If I were you I would continue to write, should your children ask to see their file when they are adults it may be important to them.
It must be very confusing and hard for you, I dont think there is anything I can say which will make it easier for you, but I hope you hear something soon,

@Ted27 thank you for your response. The children will be coming up to 9 and 10 in March, so it could be that they are more aware now in the role of the letters. I also never thought that something something significant could of happened that may make it difficult to explain or miss out of a letter. I just hope they are doing okay and it's not something that I may of unintentionally said in my responses to cause these difficulties.

I do plan to keep writing but I'm just wondering what to actually write now that i don't have anything to go off anymore.

Do I continue to provide updates about my life, ask questions about theirs, etc or just keep it minimal and brief or something else?

I’m sorry you’re in this position.

I very much doubt it’s anything you’ve said, 9 and 10 are quite tricky ages in adoption terms. They may be asking more questions about the circumstances of their adoption, it’s often the age kids go through assessment for additional support needs in preparation for transition to high school and as they approach puberty hormones have their part to play in how well kids process emotions etc. It’s also the age that therapeutic work becomes challenging because there’s more awareness on the part of the children and a lot of emotion to hold and contain.

They may also have really struggled through lockdown and all that went with it in terms of schooling, availability of support etc. There may have been losses in the family which have left a hole in their support system making it practically very difficult to find the headspace to write.

I know for me it’s very, very difficult to write about my kids while also dealing with the direct consequences of their early trauma and removal into care/placing for adoption. I don’t want the birth family to worry, and I certainly don’t want them to feel blame for my kids difficulties but it’s hard to say they’re doing fine and write positively without acknowledging their struggles.

Finally, letterbox can be challenging for adopters first all the reasons it can be difficult for birth families. Getting support for letter writing can be difficult and while support might be offered, it may take a long time to put in place if at all.

I guess I’m trying to say there are lots of reasons why it may have broken down, the majority of which are about the family and their circumstances. You may find a letter from you kickstarts things again from their end.

That must be very difficult for you. I am sorry. You could write to the adopters and let them know that it would mean a lot to you if they wrote back, no matter the information. Our birth family stopped writing back a few years ago and I have put questions in my letters to help them in case they didn't know what to write about. You could consider doing that? Also make sure you write to the adopters and not the children. Lots of adoptive families get upset about the children being adressed directly and words like "Mummy".

I would keep on writing, so your letters are at least on file and it might encourage the adopters to write back.

Im sorry youre experiencing this. As others have said, please continue to write.

I would suggest speaking about yourself as usual but maybe say something about missing the contact. Be understanding that they MAY be going through something and maybe write that you understand covid has been a hard time for people.

I think if you lean on the understanding side rather than demanding contact they may be more likely to respond. Even if they just told you the kids were fit and healthy. It would be something!

Im adopting siblings myself and I feel like regardless of my personal struggles i may go through i need to keep up my side of the deal and write regardless if i want to. Its all for the children afterall!

We have done LB twice a year for 15 years now. I agree they may be finding it hard, but I think it just isn't on to stop with no explanation.

I agree with @UnderTheNameOfSanders, when you adopt you sign a form about contact. My OH and I agree that we will always send a letter, if our children don't want us to write anything it will be a very short letter reassuring that the children are still alive and well, nothing more.

I am so sorry, it is not a good situation to be in.

Our own situation is that we adopted 8 years ago and have sent annual letters and photos (we agreed to do that, although our child at 12 is now very cam,era shy!) ever since. The birth family sent a few letters but then stopped. We do understand it must be very hard to write to us and we decided to continue writing.

My own personal advice would be you should not stop writing, continue to write and always keep a copy of the letters you send for them.

I am not sure you can demand a letter, regardless of whatever the adoptive parents said or signed, but maybe you could say how much it would mean to know what is going on generally and how the girls are in your letter.

The fact you want to hear from them and share news is good and I really do hope the adoptive parents will respond.

Good luck. I really hope they will reply.