Anyone else's LO really struggling with Xmas build up?

[teekay88]

Long story that's too long-winded to go into in a post but short version is we are realizing our 4yo LO likely has additional needs around his behaviour/emotional regulation, clearly trauma/separation anxiety related as well as some other factors

I've been going through an extremely challenging few months with him where he's been regularly aggressive towards me. This is improving with some post adoption support to help guide us on reminding ourselves of therapeutic strategies and better liaison with the senco at his nursery BUT it's been bloody hard to put it mildly

I've really noticed this year that one of LOs real triggers is over excitement. I know that little ones all struggle with this but he particularly goes into meltdowns when this happens and I'm finding all the Xmas anticipation is just completely overwhelming him and causing all sorts of meltdowns

Just checking in to see if anyone else finds this and any tips you've found work over the years to manage the holidays (as I suspect this is going to be a tricky year!) ? And if needed to start a thread for those of us with LOs with challenging behaviour to chat about how we are doing Xmas this year!

I'm learning I need to dial things back a bit. It's a bit Late in the day now but I'm trying to wind back too much Xmas talk and keep the next week as calm as possible!

My two are much better now but still can feel a bit overwhelmed - in the early days it was basically a month of dysregulated mess, where now I can usually see it coming.

Things that have helped at various times is not doing too many “Christmas” things at home - school seems to have them wound up for weeks and the change in routine isn’t helpful so I try to reduce Christmas excitement outside of that. We might do some baking or writing Christmas cards but no big theatre trips, activities etc. When they were Santa visit age we’d find a quiet one at a local garden centre rather than the whole lunch with Santa thing. They’d love the “big” activity at the time but be overwhelmed before and after.

I also found that mapping out what would be happening helpful, so this is Christmas Eve, this is Christmas Day etc who we’d be seeing and where we’d be going.

I also do lots of quiet activities eg making decorations, doing Christmas colouring, board games etc with hot chocolate etc. I also do lots of outdoors walks, fresh air and running about to discharge excess energy and then cosy time at home.

I also remove all pressure to be involved in stuff at school, my DS isn’t a fan of performing in public so has the day off for the nativity, my DD really struggles with the class party so I don’t send her in. I’m very flexible about school attendance in the week or two before Christmas because some things are just too anxiety provoking.

Remember there’s a fine line between excitement and anxiety and one often spills over into the other. So while they might love big family gatherings, I’ll keep a close eye and arrange to arrive early (so they can adjust as people arrive) and leave early before they’ve exhausted their window of tolerance. It’s about being attuned to them and their changing capacity to cope.

How long as your LO been with you?

Actually one other thing that has helped is finding a specific focus for their excitement. My DD 11 loves elf on the shelf - I mean bloody loves it. So I’d do the whole naughty elf behaviour and she would laugh and scream with excitement which almost got it out of her system a bit in a predictable way. She still loves it but now she plans the naughty behaviour and loves seeing her brother and I react, it starts the day with a laugh and she can usually self regulate afterwards, like popping the balloon.

It’s a nightmare here and I’m just coming up for air and checking in here for some sanity. Hang on in there everyone. Xxx

I remember writing a post very similar to yours a few years back. Christmas was just so overwhelming for my 3. They struggle to differentiate the feelings of fear/anxiety and excitement in their wee minds and bodies so they were just all over the place.

I can vouch for the advice @Jellycatspyjamas has given you, as she (and others) gave it to me too and boy did it help!

We stick to our routine as much as we can, bedtime stays the same for example. We keep Christmas low key and gentle and manage expectations. We have to manage the wider families expectations too....

The first Christmas after our LOs came home I had to put them to bed at 5.30 as they, and we, were completely overwrought. It's steadily improved over the last 4 years and we now have a nice time at Christmas, we just keep it small and safe.

We still have some meltdowns but we have a better understanding of why and mostly we can head them off at the past. Good luck, and Merry Christmas

It's so tough isn't it. You want them to enjoy this time of year but my AS can't cope without some sort of routine.

We went to a really low key Santa experience today and now he is still awake and can't bear being seperately from us. Thought I'd learnt from last year by booking this one instead but it appears I've not got it quite right again.

Like pp I have had to keep him off nursery multiple times this month already because they are doing so many huge Xmas events like visiting local primary school to watch there play, craft days and nativitys. I was challenged over this and when I explained they said o yes this time is so hard on the kids they all struggle to cope.. it's like why do so much of this then.

Good luck and just keep doing what you think is best!

The first Christmas after our LOs came home I had to put them to bed at 5.30 as they, and we, were completely overwrought.

Our first Christmas my DD, who was 6 at the time, asked to go robbed around 5.30 - I duly took her upstairs, tucked her in and thought she had fallen asleep. I came up 30 minutes later to check on her to find her painting our bathroom in cherry scented bubble bath, from her stocking. Luckily the bathroom was fully tiled so it cleaned off easily, which was a good thing because it was completely covered in hand smeared bubble bath. I still can’t smell anything cherry scented without thinking of her, teeny tiny, hand painting the bathroom.

I also remember her not asking for anything at all for her Santa list, she was so used to not getting what she asked for before she just stopped - literally no Santa list until Christmas Eve morning she mentioned a soft dolphin toy she had seen. I moved heaven and earth to find it for her (at Argos 30 miles away), I’d have sold my soul to get her the one thing she wanted. It took a good 4 years for her to confidently put together a Santa list and to trust that we’d do our best.

If there’s something they’ve asked for I know they won’t get for birthday/Christmas I always tell them beforehand. In our house their stocking comes from Santa and the gifts from mum and dad, so we could explain to them ahead of time that we won’t have X for them on the day without spoiling Santa - though they’ve both cottoned on now that it’s all mum and dad 😁

Go robbed - I mean go to bed 😂😂😂

Great advice on this thread. I was coming on to start a Christmas support thread myself!

I agree with all of the advice to keep it low key. School is full on Christmas so we dialled it right down outside school. We’ve not done a Santa visit and we just don’t hype it up at all.

We also have zero mention of ‘naughty and nice’, which is almost specially designed to trigger a shame mechanism. Some well meaning people have brought it up with DD this week and she was really anxious at bed time about all the ‘bad’ things she’d done 😬.

Last year DD had such an epic meltdown she spent part of Christmas Day under the table throwing paint so I’m braced for the year! (We are doing things differently this year so I’m cautiously optimistic).

good luck to all.

Aaaaaaggggh, this has been a really tough day. (My cautious optimism did not last long).

DD has been alternately REALLY clingy with me, to the point I feel suffocated, or really disregulated and having massive tantrums at me. She’s 6.

She’s being completely fine with DP. Anyone who’d like to tell me that it’s not my fault but rather some sort of sign that she’s very safe with me would be very welcome! Or any other thoughts and ideas. 😬

Best wishes to you all.

My DD2 (age 18) is struggling this year for various complicated reasons. We are going low key, but it's still going to be hard for her.

@Rainallnight Totally not your fault. It's a stressful time. My 6 year old is also dysregulated. I feel like it's been trial and error for the last five years with Christmas. This year is going the best so far.
Very low key, no theatre, no big family gatherings, no fuss made after his nativity.

We have scaled back presents as last year we went a bit overboard and he shut down.

It's tricky to balance with our biological younger child who is present mad.

Fingers crossed we've managed to get it right Xmas morning.

I’m following this as our 3.5 year old son sounds very similar. Quickly overstimulated and excited, thrown off massively by changes in routine and predictability and is a bit of a barometer for everybody else’s excitement/anxiety too. He’s massively regressed this past week since nursery broke up. Last week of nursery was complete chaos and he got a ‘time out’ on the last day when the staff were also talking about being good for Santa.
We’ve kept things very low key this week and are also taking turns to get a bit of a break ourselves (eg the luxury of a bath) to keep our calm! And trying to explain it to family and friends too. All of these tips above from others are really helpful. I’ve seen that Beacon House have a resource advent calendar on their twitter page/website that’s full of really great suggestions around sensory overload and supporting children with histories of trauma/loss at this time of year. Ours was similar after his birthday and our adoption support sw said it was a bit like shaking a fizzy drinks bottle and then it will explode…. I guess it will just take a bit of time again in the new year for things to settle back down. It’s really tough though and intense.

@Rainallnight Completely not your fault… I really can relate to this. I feel like ours is emotionally like a one year old this week. Really anxious and vulnerable and needs me and is even coming into bed in middle of night with me (which is unusual), then hitting me all day. It’s v hard for him to feel at all vulnerable. He’s also a bit unwell so that’s another layer. It’s exhausting and I’m the moment hard to find the right simple words to say to help him.

My daughter lost the plot last Christmas and it took us ages to get over it. So this year we’ve scaled everything back, decorations just in one room, only seen Santa once, plus making sure we try and get out for walks, try to stick to her routine and keep her regulated. Seems to be working so far. We’ve told her Santa is definitely coming and not to worry about naughty and good lists. Also making sure we have lots of down time. Good luck.

Anyone else looking forward to bedtime today? My AS2 has not napped. Completely wired and has been a terror today. We've stayed home all day to help prepare for the next 2 days... Praying he goes to sleep as normal so I can pour a pint of Bailey's...

I cannot wait til bedtime, which isn’t for a few hours yet. Kids high as kites and have totally abandoned any effort at using their listening ears. I’m exhausted which isn’t helping my patience levels. Currently making hot chocolate, mine may be laced with Baileys…

I'm sitting with my six year old now trying to get him to wind down. I stupidly shouted at him when he was being really off the wall.

My patience is hanging on by a thread though.

I am so annoyed that I have snapped a few times this afternoon. Once because I couldn't have even a wee on my own.

Mine went to bed ok thankfully but way overtired which means it's likely I'll be seeing him throughout the night.

Hope tomorrow goes better... 🤞

@chouxpetitfilous I've really struggled to keep it together today and I've lost it a few times which hasn't helped. Hope he calms soon

Thanks @BAdopter. Overall we have had a lovely day, so I'm trying to focus on that.

I'm just really tired myself.

I'm hoping tomorrow will also be overall a success.

He announced during bedtime he didn't want a stocking, why was he getting a stocking?

We have prepped him about a stocking for months.

Thanks @Montues and @chouxpetitfilous. Appreciate the handhold.

That Beacon House stuff is great, thanks so much. I could find the advent candelar but I found lots of other Christmas things and it was a great reminder about planning, providing extra support etc. I wrote out a very clear plan for today which involved LOTS exercise and we definitely had a better day.

Solidarity and sympathy to all who are struggling. We have all been there on the shouting front. It happens. It’s a rough time of the year.

Best of luck to everyone for tomorrow.

Merry Christmas one and all.
Adopters, Adoptees, Birth families & future adopters.

Merry Christmas to everyone and hope everyone has a lovely day in whatever they are doing.

Happy Christmas everyone! Hope kids and adults are all coping ok - and enjoying it, too! 🎄