Gender Preference

[fifteenohfour]

We are stage 2 and have been given a checklist of child history and parent history we feel able to care for vs not able to care for. We are open to a child with any history and any parent history too. However we we have selected a preferred gender as girl.

This is controversial we know, and we were told in training that it would be explored by the SW in depth and we are ready. We know why. We are happy with our reasons.

Anyone adopters here select a preferred gender of their child, did you change your mind or did you stick to your guns?

The same sex couples and single adopters I know all thought very carefully about the realities of parenting a child who was either the same or opposite sex as themselves.

First time around OH put down a preference for a boy and we eventually adopted a girl and second time round he would've preferred a girl and we adopted a boy. He was questioned closely about why he changed his mind. It's so long ago a can't remember what he said but I do remember it made sense.

In an age of greater awareness of non binary and transgender you will be questioned closely around these issues and whether or not you have (sub)conscious expectations around the sex/gender of any child placed with you.

What does transgender/non-binary have to do with anything? We're talking about traumatised children. Foisting an ideology on them is pretty offensive.

You can find it offensive but we were asked questions about how we would feel if our son came out as gay, wanted to wear a dress, etc. Regardless of your and my personal beliefs and feelings about the issues around sex and gender, they have become a reality that adoptive families have to deal with. Adoption U.K. for example now actively encourages/expects their employees to display their pronoun preferences in email signatures and on promotional materials.

I was responding to OP with my liver experience of adopting. You can find it offensive but it's my reality of the adoption process.

@fifteenohfour You will be asked extensively about why you want a girl and if it’s because of stereotypes of having girl - quieter, plays with dolls, not as boisterous etc.

@RambamThankyouMam have to agree with @ifchocolatewerecelery . We had no gender preference but were asked about what if we adopted a girl who then wanted to be a boy, a son who was gay, a son who wanted to play with dolls, a girl who was non-binary. All sorts! It is the way of adoption now and people will be questioned extensively on their gender preferences- especially if they think these preferences are coming from a place of stereotypes.

We really wanted a boy, a gut feeling more than anything else. Interestingly no one ever asked us to explain ourselves! Maybe due to preference for a boy rather than a girl. We ended up adopting a girl and can't imagine having any other child.
Lots of people hope for one or the other, including when they're pregnant. It seems fairly normal to me, as you need a child in your head to imagine, but as others have said it's also a gauge for social workers/the panel about any stereotypes people may hold about gender.

I would really encourage you to think about the background and needs of the child you could adopt. When you say you are open to any history, it sounds to me as though you may not have fully considered the kinds of needs you would be able to meet.

What does transgender/non-binary have to do with anything? We're talking about traumatised children. Foisting an ideology on them is pretty offensive.

Its not about foisting an ideology on kids so much as exploring your own biases (eg boys shouldn’t play with dolls) and recognising how that might influence your parenting of them. I’m as gender critical as they come and can see the value in exploring views and biases during the assessment process.

I’d be concerned about anyone stating a gender preference on the basis that “girls are like x, boys are like y”, there are at times good reasons for preferring one sex over the other and I’d expect workers to explore that fully - and once you’ve completed the assessment your feelings may change.

In that case, my question would be, if my adopted son/daughter believes themselves to be the opposite sex, will there be adequate mental health provisions for them? I think I know the answer.

The fact that these are even considerations within adoption is horrifying.

We didn't specify a preferred sex, though I always thought we'd end up with 2 boys or one of each. All the profiles I was drawn to had a least one boy.

In the end we were matched with a pair of sisters

@RambamThankyouMam I can't work out if you are being deliberately obtuse due to the word gender instead of sex, or you really think this conversation is at its core about transgender / non-binary.

The point is that if people have a preference as to the sex of their adopted child the reasons behind this need to be explored. If this preference turns out to be due to gender stereotyping it is important to discuss what if the child isn't 'stereotypical'. There can be good reasons for preferring one sex over another when adopting, but those do not include whether a child is 'likely to want to play with dolls' or 'will be sporty'.

For our first we didn't state a preference and got a boy.
For our second we requested a girl. It wasn't choice DH didn't care. I really wanted to have a daughter and to have the experience of parenting a boy and a girl.
I don't remember there being any fuss about it at the time.

We stated a preference as we had a birth child of the opposite sex. It was never questioned and we adopted a child of our preferred sex.